Need a Doc -- Sh*t and other drivel

So I quit seeing my last doc.  I have am convinced that these are the priorities, in order, for a doctor seeing a new-ish patient:

1. Don't get sued
2. Get Paid (by the Insurance company)
3. The patient doesn't complain about me on line
4. Address the patient's concern as quickly as possible so that (#2) I get paid and (#3) the patient doesn't complain and most of all (#1) I don't get sued.

I understand that doctors in other countries are not like this.  I hear doctors in India really do care and that patients can rely on them to look out for their best interests.  

Since my now former doctor was prescribing antidepressants she had me filling out a survey before each visit that I believe was intended to determine if I was about to do myself harm.  As my mood darkened over the time I was seeing her she started telling me I needed to see a specialist.  Of course I have seen specialists many times with notably poor results (most particularly on my bank account.)  So I wasn't interested in complying with her request.

So she starts acting curt with me and, as I believe she intended, I stopped going to see her.  Now I am out of HBP medicine.  I need another doc.  Sh*t.

Break

Its maybe a week later now.  Still haven't looked-for / found a new doc.  It is on my mind a little more b/c I got a clue that my kidneys are not working right.  Damn, this is going to kill me.  Maybe that is what I am hoping for.  Nothing else is going right. 

I'm still feeling this deep sense of failure and unhappiness.  Of course it is entirely justified as I contemplate my demise at Armageddon if not sooner.  I've come to realize how little material possessions mean and how my life's pursuits are all just vanity.  Like the king said, chasing the wind.  Now even taking his advice (work hard and see the good for your work) is damn near impossible for me.  Big sigh.   No fixing this, not within my capability.  Of course it is within God's capability but this whole thing isn't about me.  So I can't expect him to act in my behalf when I am good and ready.  Also even when he does I eschew the advantage he has given me.

There doesn't seem to be anything good happening.  Of course that's not true.  The car still works, as does my heart in an essential fashion.  My eyes work well enough and I can still type.   God lets me go to meetings and I can download stuff from the religion's web site.  Yea things could be much worse, but I am way down below where they would be if I had done his will and lived up  to my dedication.

So for now deep disappointment and frustration is a daily feeling.  No end in sight.  Just bad news so often. 

Oh yea and my A/C broke a month or so and I still haven't gotten it fixed.  It is just now worth it to me to go through the trouble.  Just no motivation anymore to do anything.  I just want to give up.  I'm feeling sleepy again.  It's what I do when deep depression is coming on.  I get sleepy all the time.

Team is doing the usual work around me.  I can't stop it but I will call it out when it happens.  I actually succeeded in making the perpetrator feel bad about having done so, for whatever good it will do.  I didn't loose my temper in any way this time.  No smoking gun left behind in an escalating email trail.  But as usual this is not good for me.  I'll have to explain what happened to my boss so that when he hears the complaint from elsewhere at least he will know what the issue is.