Death March

Well lots has changed (negatively,) since the last post.  My mood is in the toilet and I think about suicide frequently.  I have had some negative things happen at work and it is becoming apparent that I just don't belong here and I never will.  Some of it, Ok well a lot of it is entirely my fault.  Some of it has to do with the fact that most people here treat me with very little if any, respect.  I have had to just accept the way people treat me since there seems to be nothing I can say to make it stop.  Arguing has a deleterious effect on what little relationship is left with my co-workers.  It has no good effect on the issue about which I am arguing.  As a matter of fact it usually ends up solidifying people in a position opposite the one I espoused.

The tax man has come demanding scores of thousands of dollars and I can't seem to deal with that well.  No real news there except that he/they have been raiding accounts and attaching property to get what they are owed.  I don't even know where anything stands.

So my job is for sh*t and I am all but broke.  I still use escorts so I can't get back in the truth and my addiction to porn is unmitigated.

Now my AC broke but I am too depressed to get it fixed so I am uncomfortable every night and day at home.  Of course my heat has been off for the last several years so I had been using portable heaters.  No need for them now.

Oddly I have made some progress getting my place more presentable.  I have my robot vacuums working now so the floor isn't grungy like it used to be.  Filing is actually happening but it is more like I have stopped receding as rapidly as I had been.  Well actually I am receding into a better organized mass of un-filed paperwork than before.

My blood pressure is very high again.  Something like 185 over 110.  Yikes!  But I don't have adequate concern to get to the Doctor about it.  Not even just to get my prescription refilled.  Oh, and I'm still gaining weight.  around 200 lb now.

I took some vacation recently.  It was really bad.  I did some good things.  I started working on fixing my boots that had the soul separating from the upper.  I fixed 2 watch bands to make them usable.

Someone was supposed to be painting my other house.  They keep getting side tracked.  I paid them fully for the work.  However somehow some way they are a couple of years behind schedule.  I don't understand, but I'm not angry.  I know the guy and he is basically a really good man.  Something must be going on with him I guess.  I guess I would be surprised if he is ripping me off.  But oh well.  that would be just another disappointment.  One of many I continue to have these days.

I am 1 + 5/12th years into my df and no meeting with the chieftans.  They are supposed to meet annually but I did not expect it to happen.   I missed  the twice annual meetings when the itinerant bog dog came around.  I really tried to make it and I was actually there for one of the meetings but I was so late and the meeting was so crowded I knew if I walked in there wouldn't be a seat for me in an inconspicuous location so I didn't bother going in.  Yea I know it was stupid to miss, but that's what I do.

I have started a new thing, forcing myself to listen to righteous music. I hate it, but it is like bad tasting medicine.  I know it's good for me.  I worry some times that I will just go running and screaming away from that music just like I do with meeting attendance.  For now I am still force feeding myself.  Whatever, it must be good for me right?

I haven't gotten my tooth fixed.  I have new cavities, My glasses are broken and have been for over a year.  I haven't gotten a new glasses prescription in a almost 3 years now.  My hair is basically all grey now and my eyes are constantly bloodshot.  Of course I am fat and getting fatter but we covered that before.

Yes, there is a lot further I could fall.  Life could be far, far worse than it is.  However the salient point is that, as far as I can tell, it is bad enough now that I am rather sure I wouldn't make it through Armageddon if it happens within the next several months.  Lately I have been almost literally retching at how distasteful my life is currently.  I am sure a new psychoactive medicine would make things better for a while.  Not really though, I'd just go through another cycle and end up right back here in a year or two if the system lasts that long,.

So it seems like there is nothing I can do to fix myself.  Hence the suicidal thoughts.

Ideas anyone?