Random Thoughts and Frustrations

I have an appointment with my psychologist this afternoon.  When I left him a couple of weeks ago I decide I was going to go straight after match and speed dating in spite of the fact that it is heavily discouraged by the church.  Not quite on pain of excommunication as are some of the other things I have contemplated and actually done.

Nonetheless, despite my intentions, I find (as indicated in the previous post) I can't do it.  I can't bring myself to go against that advice.  Even though I want to.  I just won't do it.  I don't know if it is rank laziness or respect for the church.  Either way it isn't happening.

So I was talking to my son and thinking that maybe we can make our own party, since no one wants to invite us to theirs.  We can invite people we want to meet and have snacks and watch a really good movie or TV from a dvd.  Maybe there could be some conversation afterward but anyway, there's something.  Of course we don't have a TV or audio system to make watching TV a meaningful event.  So we have started to remedy that situation.  The other thing is that we need to clean up and get organized.

Of course the other thing I was going to do  is call the Tax person.  No go on that either.  So, again, maybe now that the meds are running stronger I can fix that as well in coming weeks.  I think that a lot of the "feel better" factor is coming from the working-out that i've been doing.  It does make me feel better about myself.  I noticed for the first time last weekend that I felt like looking nicer than I usually do at church.  I actually wore a nicer jacket, one I hadn't used in a long time.

So what should I do in the coming weeks:

1. Call the tax man
2. Finish specifying the AV System
3. Start putting cr*p away to clean up the living and family room.
4. Properly store my camera stuff
5. Plan and execute a photography excursion
6. Plan my PTO coming up in June 27
7. Get my Bike ready to ride.  I'd like to work up to a full trail length ride.

I guess it's good that I am at least thinking of these things where as for a long time I couldn't seem to bring myself to do that.

So what am I going to talk about?

My failures to move
My medication success (working w/o Music)
Putting things on the shelf:

1. Dating Women

Trying again with the church
1. TV Night

Other plans
1. Tax
2. Family

Monday

The meeting with my Psychologist went well.  I talked about the fact that I'm not going to move forward with match and speed dating and that I have to try again with the congregation.  I mentioned TV night and trying to be more friendly at the khall.  She suggested I be aware of my facial state, not looking angry or mad, but open and kind.  I can remember driving to the hall trying to relax my face. But when I got there the tension of walking inside resulted in my totally forgetting about it.  I ended up talking  a lot with Chuck Gibson.  Nice guy and easy to talk to.  But he approached me rather than the other way around.

The kid and me went to the NSO and it rocked the house down.  Truly awesome concert.  They played Ravel's Bolero and it was one of the more impressive things I have heard in recent memory.  I think maybe Orff's "O Fortuna" topped it, but that's a special case.  We talked about doing some Ballet in April but I'll have to look that up and see what's available and, of course the price of the tickets.

Tuesday
And I didn't work out today.  I woke up on time but felt unusually tired.  So, after much hand wringing I decided not to.  It was a mistake of course.  I should have worked out.  Well, this is how the demise of any positive regimen starts.  Skip here, miss there and before long I will justify not going at all.

I'm frustrated.  My old nemesis is back now.  And I want ess eee cross again.  Trying to justify in my mind seeing an old or new escort.  As many times as I convince myself that I should not on so many levels, I keep coming back to the fact that it is the ONLY fun I have these days.  NOTHING else is enjoyable or satisfies like it.  Whatever though.  I can't do this.  It's too costly and dangerous.  Once I've won 20 MM USD then OK I'll see an escort regularly.

All Over the Place

I am just so damn tired of all this.  I know beyond reasonable doubt:

1. I'm not gonna do match.
2. I'm  not gonna do speed dating.


So the other possibilities are:

1. Will the drugs help me to do 1 or 2 above?  Hopefully the answer is no 'cause I shouldn't do either
2. Dancing
3. Taxes
4. House in Mvle  (Painting Doors Interior Cleaning Fix Windows, Fix Lawn, Fix Drainage in the front, blah  blah blah)

Oh yes and the 800# Gorilla in the room:  How the hell am I going to get my very self out in FS again?

Oh yea and don't forget the other stuff that goes along with it:  Study (meetings, personal, remedial, bible reading) Meetings (Sunday, Tuesday, assemblies, etc ) (check!)  Prayer (meals, distress, regular communication morning noon night) that go along with service.  It is just an impossible task list.  I'll die just trying to coax myself to start.

Of course with God all things are possible, though it seems apparent that he doesn't want this to happen, at least not right now.  No plans, No thoughts.  It's all just sh*t now.

Honestly I don't see any of these things happening in a reasonable time frame.  I can't fix this.

A few days later.

The pills are here, and I one of each yesterday and one of each this AM.  I really hope it helps.

I am really very sleepy this AM.  I'm not sure what kept me awake last night but I was not sleeping soundly most of last night.  I am doing that thing where I stair at the monitor and sitsleep.  I do have coffee and I had 3 (count 'em) 3 oranges for breakfast.  They were really OK but not the best I've had.

I attended an "Essentialist" course.  Interestingly JW's have been focusing on that kind-of for a while now.  Just get the needs.  He doesn't advocate asceticism, just the elimination of those things that are truly nonessential to your own goal.

He suggests that having an "off-site" with yourself can help you determine what your purpose in life is and  plan your way to get there.  He suggests 3 - 8 hours, or some such.  I think this is good advice.  I got his book; I ordered it yesterday and it came today.  I read the intro just a minute ago.  Seems like it will be a good read.  It turns out he collaborated on another book I liked:  Multipliers.

This is a great resource.  I just hope I can do something with it to actually make a difference in my life.

Anyway I've been taking the drugs for 3 days now.  No discernible difference other than the Wellbutrin making my hands shake a bit.  Drugs took 2 weeks to get here from the time I snail mailed the order.

Its the weekend now.

Still taking the drugs and little effect noted.  I did stop watching TV at noon today and as of 5:30 haven't turned it back on.  Maybe that is one effect.  Who really knows.  I'm sure I'll turn it back on before I go to bed.

This is a junky post.  I suppose I have really nothing to say.  It is just that I have put so much hope in the drugs and I want to report progress.  Truthfully, it is still early and I can't expect much given the way these drugs operate.  You have to take them over a long period of time for the drugs to build up in your system.

A week and a half into the drugs.  This week for the first time in a long time I was able to work the entire day without listening to music.  I don't sense any depression of the sex drive.  But who knows.

On Tuesday of this week a new problem cropped up.  I was absolutely exhausted after my work out and felt tired and sleepy all day.  So I didn't work out on Wednesday and eventually felt better.  Worked out again on Thursday (today) and I have felt sleepy all day long.  Of course I read up a little on what working out too hard does to you and guess what?   Being tired all the time is one of the symptoms.  I guess I need to take it easier.  I don't want to.  Maybe I'll just keep pushing myself until I can do all this.  Body will respond eventually.

Post Boot Decision

So here I am again, in the truth but struggling to stay in.  I am unhappy to still be here but very happy and glad at the same time.  I think that I just don't realize how bad it is if I was truly separated from God's organization.  It may feel like I have been separated (df'd) before but I really hadn't and I am sure it would feel a lot differently if I had.

I am really just frustrated now, I feel like the one outlet I had, going out with paid companions, has been removed as an option in my life.  It is really the only thing that I really looked forward to.  It was like a vacation that I would take twice a year.  It cost just as much shorter.  I still looked forward to it and remembered it fondly after it was over.  And, probably the most telling sign, I would go back for more in spite of the extreme cost:  more than 1K per event by the end.  I know that I would fail the test if Lilly came back to the states.  I think I had better try to not look at any information from her on line.  I don't think she would actually email me again.  I anticipate hearing from Kyra.  I feel like I might pass that test, but not by much (unless I start relying on God a whole lot more than I am right now.)

Work is painful, I cannot progress without music.  I am trying to make an appointment to see my psychiatrist to get more pills.  They really help me to focus but I have to make it through until next weekend.

I did work out 5 times this week.  That was probably the highlight of the year so far.  (Unless you can call getting Censured by my church again a highlight, which deserves merit as the alternative would have been a life altering experience.)  Familiar challenges return though.  Fatigue esp in the afternoon, tinnitus.  I continue to be disgusted with my mirror image when I am not clothed.  I must be much heavier than I have ever been.  I figure I will need a couple of years to get in shape.  I need to loose minimum 50 lbs and bulk up the upper body.  Once I have lost the fat, built bulk and endurance, I'll feel OK about joining a cycling club or something like that.


OK so a couple of days have past and I went to the meeting last night.  Typical, extremely boring and I was totally uninterested.  But I am sick and dying (spiritually.)  The food I need doesn't taste good but what else can I do but just keep showing up for the meetings and trying to gulp it down.  My work out routine has replaced my study time and I need to find a way to put the study back in my schedule. I haven't found that studying helps me enjoy the meeting during the time where I cannot comment.  Anyway last night I my kid decided he wanted to talk after the meeting.  I have learned to simply not discourage that if that is what he wants to do.  It was cold out so I didn't want to stand outside.  I ended up sitting at my seat for a half hour waiting for her to finish.  I finally just pulled out my tablet, checked my email, looked at other stuff and was getting ready to start blogging.  I don't have the strength I need to expose myself to the daggers of those in the congregation.  I have been cut by so many (inside and outside the congregation) so frequently that I will be as pleasant as I know how to those who choose to speak, as some do when they walk by.  The rest just pretend I am not there.

My kid used to tell people that they should include me in stuff.  Now it seems that this is backfiring and he is getting frozen out.  He doesn't just take it lying down.  He is always on his feet looking for stuff that is going on in the congregation on a social level.  He also has friends in other parts of the country that he can stay in touch with.  Really good for him, 'cause right now I am just a warm place to stay (and a boat anchor) to him.  As usual, I really hate myself.  And, given my performance it certainly seems like I hate God as well.  How could I be just so very stupid.

I have a meeting with my psychologist this evening.  He hasn't heard that I didn't get kicked out yet.  So I'll start with that and then go on to the anger.  I need to get the tax accountant recommendation from him again.  Honestly I don't know where to go from here with him.

I don't want to do Match 'cause that's real  people with real feelings.  Escorts are just too expensive. I'm just so tired of being alone.  There must be something I could do.

A week passes

Still working out more or less every other day.  It is hard to stay with it but I am lucky that there isn't much else going on.  I like the feeling after i worked out.  Tired but satisfied.

Today there was a special treat.  A fresh young female athlete joined the regular crew of ugly guys in the gym this AM.  Of course that means nothing to me, just some distracting visuals.  I think I remember her from a week or two ago.  I was on my way toward the exit and she was ahead of me going through the door leading into the building main lobby.  She held the door as I was only a few paces behind her.

Very cute and well packaged.  Small in size but no stranger to the gym.  Of course as I am watching the mind wanders.  (Yes, still male and born in the USA) I realized that if she came onto me (not that such a thing is even remotely likely) in that nrop movie kind of way, there's no way I could resist that.  I'd just go stumbling to the deacons again saying "Well this just happened.  .  .  ."

Highlight of the month that was.

So I continue to freeze when it comes to signing up for match and for another escort run.  I suppose that in reality, the escorts are still available since I was kicked to the curb again for watching nrop not for going out to dinner with a "rent-a-date."  But that's just from a "what could get me kicked out" standpoint. It is still too expensive.

I think about having to paint the house and redo the floors.  I don't have the money for that hobby.

It's been a week and a half since sending in my prescriptions to our new and mandated email prescription filling service.  After a week they said "we have your order.  We'll ship in 3 or 4 days probably, and you still have to wait for return shipping.  I hope to get  the pills by mid next week.  I think I will want to go back to Zoloft since that has the ess eee cross suppressing side effect.  That would be really convenient to have going for me.  Really, this is the last viable option for me getting myself turned around.  Drugs, wonderful drugs.  Take my problems away.  (Where have I head that before.)

No Boot, Crap!

So the decision was rendered.  I am censured again but not kicked out.

And the overwhelming feeling?  Relief?  Joy?  Gladness?  Gratefulness?  No.  Unfortunately it is anger.  I really think that a large part of me wanted to be rid of the burden of  being in this church.  The next day I binge watched bad TV full of violence and fornication (but not the X crap that got me almost kicked out.)  What does God think of this?  Well he knew what was there when he let me stay in.  I didn't try to pull any punches and I didn't lie (knowingly) this time.

The anger is real though.  My kid noticed that I was angry all weekend.  Nothing much else to be said about that.  It is like Satan had me by the jersey and it tore away, but part of it is still attached.  I can be sure that he will continue to pull at fabric still attached.  the play isn't over until Armageddon and he is still pulling.

So one of the Deacons met with me again Sunday and are pushing me to do more with the church.  I agreed but reluctantly.  I hate the bind this puts me in but I can't get out of it.  I chose God and this is one of his requirements.  I hope I can make that anger go away (metaphorically removing the jersey.)

I also need to learn to pray more.  As noted earlier (ad nausium) there are many things of which I need to do more.  I had better start praying soon If I am going to get my posterior out in service a week and a half from now.

I worked out for the 3rd time in 4 days.  I hope this is the start of a good trend and not just a fake-out flash in the pan.

Work is difficult.  I have to listen to music to get anything done.  With going to meetings and such I have less time to devote to work and the mental distraction of depression is taking a serious toll on my productivity again.  I reached out to my Psychiatrist but the little bitch she uses to do her scheduling is so slow to respond, I think it will take several days just to get the damn thing scheduled and then, of course there will be the traditional 3 week wait for the first availability.  It looks like she may have moved out of the super convenient location she once occupied.  Shit!

I can feel myself sinking into the self hate characteristic of my depressive cycles.  I had a lot of trouble getting to the meeting yesterday.  I so very much did not want to go.  Largely because of wanting to set some kind of not so bad example for my kid, I went anyway.  I was so awfully sleepy though.  I am determined to get back on the pills, the exercise, the talk therapy, intelligent eating choices and, probably most importantly the prayer to try and pull out of this tail spin that I am in.   I expect this to end like all the other attempts, but I can't stop trying.  I hate my existing life just so damn much.

Oh, and I guess I need to stop cussin' so much too.

One Day

So now I am one day away from knowing if I will get kicked out of my church.  Interestingly one of the Escorts I used before is here in town and she seems to be available for dinner tonight and sunday night.  I am not quite so idiotic as to schedule time with her now that I am sitting on the knife edge.  However I really wonder what I will do if they do kick me out tomorrow night.  Would I go ahead and say, I'm takin' this now that I have nothing to loose?  or would I do the right thing and let it go and stoically go to the meeting patiently waiting for my opportunity to get reinstated.  Of course I hope that it is the latter but I am afraid that it might be the former.  I really hope I don't have to learn the answer to that question.  But I cannot control that, so I'll just have to wait and see.

I checked out the Internet Dating Site JWConnect.  It seems very small but that would be expected since it ostensibly serves only 1/2 of 1 percent of the country.  Practically speaking it is probably closer to 1 percent, but that's still very small.  Of course these are real people so far fewer still were the sort of folks I'd connect with and I am sure they wouldn't be interested in me.  I did see someone da'd and if I am excommunicated that could work but really?  Is that a good idea?  So why am I asking?

Feelin' quite agitated now.  the walls are closing in (totbas - wait I already said that about the same phrase.)  There really are simply no good options for relieving this desire to be with female companions.  Nothing, no outlet, just grit teeth and bear it.  I am not sure I can do this for the next 10 years it would take to get to the point of being able to have a relationship on good terms in the congregation.  2 years to be fully vested, 3 to be a MS and 5 to be a Deacon.  I am not even prepared to get on that road now.

Drugs, Wonderful Drugs, Solve My Problems

Last week was a bit of a wreck.

In spite of early optimism it is looking like they are going to form a formal review committee to decide if they will boot me out.  This is not good news.  The original dude I talked to had to get another guy to back him up and "hear" the case again.  Of course there wasn't any new information about the nrop but I did tell them about the rent-a-date situation.  Surprisingly, they were not nearly as freaked out about it as I thought they might be.  Of course I did not use the terms prostitute, escort or call girl.  If asked I would tell them that this is a "paid companion" and if pressed further I would admit that the individuals are almost surely paid for sex in other encounters.  But that only has to do with their other encounters and nothing to do with me.

So the net effect is that I am going to sit for another two weeks minimum wondering if I am going to get kicked out.  This week they will meet on Thursday to determine if there actually will be a "hearing."  I know that the answer to that is almost surely yes.  But it will take a meeting for them to come to that conclusion.  Next they have to schedule a meeting with me to have the formal hearing. Since the big cheese is coming to town that will probably be next week.

Now once they meet with you they tell you that day what the judgement is.  So If I'm getting kicked out I'll know right then unless I tried to appeal.  I have not nearly the adequate amount of information to form an opinion of the likelihood of success in an appeal, however given the chummy feeling among the elder bodies, I suspect that the vast majority of appellate decisions are unfavorable for the one making the appeal.

So I am in the sh*t again.  If they kick me out it will be really bad for my relatives.  I don't think I could ever face them again.  I really hate what I have become.  There is just no redeeming me in this situation.  I have done what I have done and I can't undo it.

If I do get kicked out I believe I will do the escort thing (full service this time) for a couple of rounds, Then do the internet dating a few times and then try to get back into the organization.  That is now the course I would want to do.  I would want to just continue to try to do what God wants and then eventually get back in.  That would be what I would want to see myself do. but I know that it is very unlikely to happen this way.  There is just so much wickedness in my bones.

So it is a few days later and 2 (count 'em 2) days before I know if I am getting the boot.  They sent me stuff to read:  a bible chapter and 2 paragraphs from an old wt saying basically don't date unless you are thinking of marrying the person you are dating.  The bible chapter is a Psalm where the writer is going on about how God knows the details of us and how much the writer hates what God hates.  The one about dating is obvious since I said I did the rent-a-date thing.  The one about hating what God hates since I obviously don't hate nrop.  The one about how well God knows us is probably not really what they want me to focus on.

So the big cheese is in town this week and I am a little surprised the Deacons chose to meet yet this week since it is a big deal for them to take the time out to hold this meeting when so much else for them is going on at the same time.  I am sure it is just the thing of not wanting this issue just hangin' out there when he shows up.  They probably just went to look like they are attacking the problem, even though it has been hangin' out there nearly 8 weeks already.  No matter.  I suppose I am just looking for something or someone (other than me) to blame right now.

Giving me stuff to read may be their way of proving that I should be kicked out or maybe their way of providing meaningful assistance.  I am 55/45 that I will [stay in]/[get booted out of] the congregation.  It iss an obvious toss-up.  I know I have to say I am sorry for disrespecting God and will try to remember to do that.  (That is not a lie.)  They will probably try to get me to say  lot of other things but I have sort of decided not to complain about anything or anyone.  Definitely not defend my actions.  I imaging myself saying "That was a mistake" and "I should just try harder" quite a lot.  I really hate waiting for the sword to fall.  Will it cut off my hands or my head.  Alternatively it could just give me a close shave.  Really though, I almost expect to be missing (a) body part(s) by midnight tomorrow. I am no totally freaking out now but I feel it close beneath my skin.

Inevitably since I first felt the anticipation of falling outside the congregation I still wonder what I would do.  I'm not going to spend too much energy on that one since a) if it happens I'll have plenty of time to decide and b) I might get so excite by the possibilities that I bend responses to make that possible outcome a reality.

Of course the thing that is I really want to say is "I told you I was looking at nrop on at least 4 separate occasions.  Why did you not choose to let me know that this is a df'in' offence until now?  I suppose I know the answer.  The society didn't label it as such until 2013 or so.

In retrospect I think I should have got on the drugs and stayed on them.  They solve the nrop problem by dropping the desire so much I didn't even think about it.  They could have also helped me with all the other problems i am having.  This may be one of those moments where drugs are the answer to my prayers.  Take them early, often, consistently and regularly and so many of these issues will likely just melt away.

What a jerk I really am for not doing something about this sooner.  And really, who knows if I am really going to do something now?

To Boot or Not To Boot

So it looks like they might not kick me out.  The first judicial meeting is with 2 guys not 3.  Of course those 2 guys could say "this is worse than we thought, we are going to form a 3 man team."  That would be really bad.  Anyway the meeting (with the 2 man group -- sounds like a rock band doesn't it, but I digress,) is supposed to happen tonight.  It was supposed to be Sunday, but one of the guys took off before we could meet.

I don't want to get kicked out.  I am disappointed in the feeling that I might like.  I suppose I like the thought of being in a state where there is nothing else they can do to me officially (except to decline requests for suspending the excommunication.)   God will see me though.  I can't hide from Him.

The biggest issue I have right now is that, even though things are going OK right now (nrop is at a 4 week hiatus, I am reading the bible most days, studying the Wt and praying more reading text week days for the last several weeks,) it could taper off and end at any moment.  Today, right now I didn't study the Wt this AM.  Is this the beginning of the end?  I don't know!  It very well could be.  And then its back into the fire for me.  These guys could decide to keep their feet on my neck another couple of years or more.

I just heave a big sigh and quit worrying about it.  It seems like the more I think about it the more depressing it is.  It will just be such a long wait for it to be all over with.

I don't know what these guys are going to ask tonight.  But if they want to get deep into the sh*t I might end up having to tell them about the paid companions and the speeding and the IRS and all that other crap.  If I end up unloading on them then that could well spell the beginning of the end.  I really hate my life and the persistence of the misery it holds seems unfathomably deep.

It's the afternoon now and there was a little bit of snow this AM so they moved the meeting to Friday.  *Sign*  I guess I'll just walk around with this sword over my head a few more days.   I can't complain though, I am the one who effectively hung it there.  Of course they are the one with the scissors.

A real question on my mind is just how much more sh*t to tell them.
1. I speed all the time
2. I don't pay my taxes
3. I go out with non-witness women.
4. I almost had ess eee cross with DC

If I were to go down the list I would get yawn / "why are you wasting our time" look / "What!!??" If I were to bust out with "I've used prostitutes 4 times in the last 2 years" that would get me on the 3 man group for sure.  Of course the last item would constitute dead silence and knowing looks between the 2 dudes that meant No question:  committee matter.

Regarding the nonjw's, loyal readers will know, I just take them out to dinner or a show.  Even so the 2 man group would go ape.  So I'm not planning to say anything about that unless provoked.  If the HS prompts them to prompt me to talk about it I will, but I'm not bringing it up and if I do, I'll say something like I've dated nonjw's occasionally.  Of course that will generate the barrage of questions:  Who, How Often, What happened.

Just how much they need to know is unknown to me at this point.  How relevant is 2 year old data in cases like this, I just don't know.  I'm betting it isn't relevant, but I'm open to suggestion.

Given the scope of things that could come up at this meeting (now on Friday) I think the title of this should be No Boot ?.  Really it is maybe maybe not.  Sort of like the early voting in a very close election.  The data is largely meaningless.  I don't know if I am going to get kicked out or not.  I really hope not but maybe that is just what God wants.  He may see that what I need is a swift and brutal kick in the butt to get me to take notice of his demands.  Of course it is likely to leave me in a pit of depression so deep that I don't make it out of there alive (let the reader use discernment,) but if that is what God wants, then God please help me to work in harmony with a series of events leading to just that.