To Boot or Not To Boot

So it looks like they might not kick me out.  The first judicial meeting is with 2 guys not 3.  Of course those 2 guys could say "this is worse than we thought, we are going to form a 3 man team."  That would be really bad.  Anyway the meeting (with the 2 man group -- sounds like a rock band doesn't it, but I digress,) is supposed to happen tonight.  It was supposed to be Sunday, but one of the guys took off before we could meet.

I don't want to get kicked out.  I am disappointed in the feeling that I might like.  I suppose I like the thought of being in a state where there is nothing else they can do to me officially (except to decline requests for suspending the excommunication.)   God will see me though.  I can't hide from Him.

The biggest issue I have right now is that, even though things are going OK right now (nrop is at a 4 week hiatus, I am reading the bible most days, studying the Wt and praying more reading text week days for the last several weeks,) it could taper off and end at any moment.  Today, right now I didn't study the Wt this AM.  Is this the beginning of the end?  I don't know!  It very well could be.  And then its back into the fire for me.  These guys could decide to keep their feet on my neck another couple of years or more.

I just heave a big sigh and quit worrying about it.  It seems like the more I think about it the more depressing it is.  It will just be such a long wait for it to be all over with.

I don't know what these guys are going to ask tonight.  But if they want to get deep into the sh*t I might end up having to tell them about the paid companions and the speeding and the IRS and all that other crap.  If I end up unloading on them then that could well spell the beginning of the end.  I really hate my life and the persistence of the misery it holds seems unfathomably deep.

It's the afternoon now and there was a little bit of snow this AM so they moved the meeting to Friday.  *Sign*  I guess I'll just walk around with this sword over my head a few more days.   I can't complain though, I am the one who effectively hung it there.  Of course they are the one with the scissors.

A real question on my mind is just how much more sh*t to tell them.
1. I speed all the time
2. I don't pay my taxes
3. I go out with non-witness women.
4. I almost had ess eee cross with DC

If I were to go down the list I would get yawn / "why are you wasting our time" look / "What!!??" If I were to bust out with "I've used prostitutes 4 times in the last 2 years" that would get me on the 3 man group for sure.  Of course the last item would constitute dead silence and knowing looks between the 2 dudes that meant No question:  committee matter.

Regarding the nonjw's, loyal readers will know, I just take them out to dinner or a show.  Even so the 2 man group would go ape.  So I'm not planning to say anything about that unless provoked.  If the HS prompts them to prompt me to talk about it I will, but I'm not bringing it up and if I do, I'll say something like I've dated nonjw's occasionally.  Of course that will generate the barrage of questions:  Who, How Often, What happened.

Just how much they need to know is unknown to me at this point.  How relevant is 2 year old data in cases like this, I just don't know.  I'm betting it isn't relevant, but I'm open to suggestion.

Given the scope of things that could come up at this meeting (now on Friday) I think the title of this should be No Boot ?.  Really it is maybe maybe not.  Sort of like the early voting in a very close election.  The data is largely meaningless.  I don't know if I am going to get kicked out or not.  I really hope not but maybe that is just what God wants.  He may see that what I need is a swift and brutal kick in the butt to get me to take notice of his demands.  Of course it is likely to leave me in a pit of depression so deep that I don't make it out of there alive (let the reader use discernment,) but if that is what God wants, then God please help me to work in harmony with a series of events leading to just that.

Sitting on a Knife Edge Waiting to Be Cut in Two

This notion of getting df'd has got my head spinning.  I wonder if I should fight it and dig up emails that say "you knew this all along" and ask why all of a sudden are you kicking me out now?   Or I should I just go along with whatever they say.  That's what they want anyway, who wouldn't.  It is just that they are so accustomed to people just going along with the program that trying to fight is like condemning yourself to a df verdict.  It is almost like there is no fighting it.  And why do I want to fight it anyway.  If God wants me df'd then df'd I'll be.

What I find troubling is that I am looking forward to it.  I am already thinking of what escorts I want to tag if this happens.  If I do get df'd that will be my biggest issue:  how to keep moving toward the straight and narrow.  So from a basic point, why does dfing exist?

1. discipline - spaning doesn't work well for adults
      a.  Of course discipline is a form of teaching.
2. keep the congregation clean - am I making the congregation dirty?  I suppose so just by being there.  I am certainly not spreading my contaminating influence, well not knowingly.
I GUESS I NEED TO LOOK THAT UP.

I suppose I meet the criteria for a committee, doing rope for years of the egregious kind.  The only thing I can really say is that I haven't tried to hide it from them.  I have put it in emails twice (I think) and brought up in meetings at the very least twice before this latest time.

The behavior is addictive and someone saying, here read this, doesn't help as much as I needed.  But that's all that seemed to be available.

The point about my not hiding it from them and bringing it up multiple times might cut some ice with them.  I still am guilty though.  The question is:  what is the best way for them to deal with me now.

Of course as mentioned before, they (local "elders") did say about 7 years or so ago, that if I did anything else they were going to kick me out.  Well now I have done something more.  It's not the first time I told them about it, but they sure seem more interested now than before.

Another day,

I went to the meeting and no one said anything to me, but I noticed this AM I had a text from the elder dude saying lets talk at the meeting.  He wasn't all that anxious to tell me what he wanted.  (He never is, always wants to talk in person no matter how much it delays things.)  Fahk!  Whatever the hell!  What does it matter, just a few more days thinking that they will kick me out.  Actually this slack jaw lackadaisical attitude might be a good sign.  If they really wanted to kick me out I might have expected them to be a bit more aggressive with their desire to meet and talk more about it.

It' s an interesting concept, thinking that I will be df'd.  And there is precious little I can do to influence the decision one way or another.  It is just crazy how much I was looking forward to it.  It wasn't the sickening dread I should have.  It is like I want to let go.  I am just too tired of holding on to something that it seems no one is interested in my having.

Wild, I just studied the chapter talking about how much God loves his people and I heard the argument that he cares about us individually.  I know it must be true, it is just hard to accept given the way I have been kicked around and ignored by both the world and the congregation.  What can I expect given how much I have disregarded God's instructions.

Again I am reminded of just what a mess I have made of my life.  How very worthless I am and how little it all means.  If I died, it would be all over for me, but in the grand scheme of things, the world would carry on and eventually, probably sooner than I imagine, I will be lost to the collective consciousness of the world here on earth.  It will be like I never existed at all.  *Sigh*  All those damn deadlines and performance reviews and tests I took and promotions I got, or didn't get.  Nothing matters.  It's all vanity right Sol?  So, let us eat, and drink .  .  .

But wait, what about serving God?  The stuff you do really means something.  Oh, but then I have to stop rope, and stop seeing my friends, and read the mags, and study the wt, and read the bbl and do personal study and go to meetings, and change my life pattern to stay awake and memorize scriptures, and confess my sins, and pray and do FS and do taxes and sell stuff and on and on and fahkin' on.  The baretta solution (or He solution for previous readers) is looking not too bad.  Not to say that it isn't worth it.  I am sure that if I do make it, I will be very much afraid of how close I came to that.  But right now, in the situation looking at a mountain of work on one side and the ease of capitulation on the other, it sure is tempting.  It will be even more if I get the boot.

Der Stiefel

So the PR's are done.

They never are quite as  bad as I imagine them to be but I continue to be surprised at how much I resist starting that effort until the last minute.

I need to establish goals for each of the people in the team, but no one is standing over me waiting for that to happen so I'm not going to worry about that.

The sense of pressure is hugely reduced.  Feeling like I do now I would not have scheduled a meeting with the therapist.  But I know I need help so I don't plan to cancel.  I do need to schedule time with my shrink.  The pills really helped and I'd like to have access to them going forward.  I found them to be a bit more effective than head bangin' music (including the seductive strains of the baby lady [Lady Gaga.])

Since I finished I had the immediate desire to go nrop and escort hunting in a "Don't need God anymore so I can play now" knee-jerk reaction.  I almost bought a gift certificate to Private Vicki (um, you can figure that one out,) to let my currently utilized escort know that I really do like her even though I missed a day she was in town recently.  Then I thought of sending it to another escort I researched and contacted but never connected with.  (See early posts for the pathetic story there.)  I've decided that I think she is writing a book on the topic but at 2K for a couple of hours, I can't cut any ice there.

I talked to the "brothers" about Nrop finally.  They made me say what kind of Nrop (guy/gal (check); gal/gal (check); disney (NO); group (check); all else (NO).  But the 2nd and 4th items are considered especially egregious so they are going to form a judicial committee and I'll be tried again, yet again.

I think they will kick me out this time.  The last time they said If I do anything physical again they would kick me out.  This doesn't count as physical but it's bad enough.  We just studied about how loving God is and how he wants his servants to come back and serve him.

Oddly, I am almost looking forward to being df'd.  I will feel free to use my escort friends for more badness, the way that dc did (though she didn't have to pay for it.)  On the other hand I would also want to be stoic about it and show God that even though I am kicked out, I will continue to try to serve him.  I guess I will probably feel unfairly df'd and there will be that "prove them wrong" element.  But honestly they have the preponderance of Holy Spirit.  If they say I am out, I will be out.  Whether or not I do the stupid thing will be up to me, but I can't see myself resisting the temptation.  I guess I better start praying for the strength to resist now.  I feel this is a test that will surely come.

Another day, Tuesday:  despite the material studied that tells me how loving God is, I still hate myself and I believe that God hates what I do so much that I will get swept along in judgment for the things I have done.  Yes, God must love me, he says he does and he encourages us to hate our enemies.  I think of how being df'd will affect the people around me.  There are only a very few who love me and it will hurt them badly.

Whether God will kill me now or not, I don't know, one thing is certain though, I hate myself with a deep and abiding passion.

I am supposed to pray 5 mins a day.  I guess I should start that soon.

Just Another Round of Bad News

Its December and the spring blues have already started to settle around me.  The walls are closing in, there's too much pressure to take; TOTBAS (there ought to be a song) blah blah blah.

Really though, my one release, dating escorts, is just too expensive to be a worthwhile relief.  I do enjoy the time, It is something I really look forward to and I always feel good afterward.  It is a real joy when I can do that.  But at 1300 USD a pop, I just can't keep it up.  I have looked for other less expensive alternatives, but the good ones are always at least 900 base price.  And I just can't pay that routinely.

I don't understand my reaction to medication.  It works, I feel better, I can start to get stuff done.  But I can't seem to keep on taking the pills.  It really has to do with the relationship with the doctor.  I hate talking to them.  I always feel uncomfortable.  They give suggestions that I just don't fit with the church and then I try them and it doesn't work out and then I feel guilty and miss an appointment and everything falls apart.  The last two sets of prescriptions I did not fill.  I don't know why I just didn't get them filled.  I don't get that.  I mean the pills worked, why didn't I keep going?

Now I really need something.  I can feel the walls closing in and it won't be long before I am spending half my time trying to work and the other half working at half speed.  I'll be spending 14 hours per day in the office giving only 75% of what I should.  I can't get away from it.  It is coming and I cannot stop it.

So I started studying, as mentioned earlier, but I just don't see how that is going to help.  No one says it should.  I need them pills.

I need association and it isn't happening in the congregation.  I am sure that is my fault since I am very suspicious of anyone inviting me out since I was there for 5 years by myself and I had one solitary invite that was extended early in that period of time but was not repeated nor imitated.  Now that my gregarious son is around I get more invitations 2 of which I have accepted, but, of course, I don't enjoy it and I feel out of place, and people feel out of place around me.  I just hate myself.  I don't want this anymore.  I feel so awful all the time.  It is getting worse with the shortened days.

I am thinking again about the final solution.  I have my method worked out though I wish I could make it seem like an accident.  Of course God will know it wasn't.  Is enduring this pain worth an eternity of happiness in God's world?  Yes, of course it is.  I just hurt so much that in a fit of pain, I feel like I might cave in and do myself in.

But I do think of the kid and how it would hurt him.   He is a bit of a soft touch even though he doesn't really show it much at all.  Pain, Pain all around.  Pain, ongoing and throbbing.  Not always sharp and intense, though occasionally so.  But always there.  Like tinnitus.  Sometimes more irritating, sometimes less, sometimes very intense, sometimes forgettable.  But whenever I stop to notice, there it is.  And I hate it so very much.  The best I seem to be able to do is to ignore it.

God I hate this so much.  I wish I could get away from it but I cannot.

OK, I am eating cheesecake now.  I feel much better.  Oh my word, even the sign is edible.  It is our phone vendor hawking their product.  Lousy product & service offering, but good cheesecake.

Well, the next day is here and, predictably, I am feeling like sh*t again.  I just don't have the stamina to keep putting up with this day after day.  I just hate all this.

And now it's Monday.  Friday I got maybe 2 hours of work done.  The weekend was a complete bust, Just TV, no study, no meetings.  Not anything of value except perhaps sleep and rest, both of which I got too much of.  Crap, this is in full swing.  I really hate this.  I cannot get over it.  Today i maybe got 2 hours of work done.  Best I could do.

I guess there was one good thing about this weekend, I didn't look at nrop.  I didn't knife out either but those two things go together like white on rice.  Yes there is brown rice but .  .  .  Of course the question is, which is the white/brown and which is the rice.  I don't care to think that deeply on the topic.

Anyway my head is starting to hurt and I am loosing (have lost) focus on work probably for the rest of today.  Nonetheless, I might be able to get in a little more effort so I am sticking it out a bit longer.

I really wish I could see some solution but I really don't.  I don't see how I will ever make friends in this congregation.  How I will deal with the taxes.  How I will sell my stuff, how I will know enough to go out in FS again.  How I will be able to keep up a regimen that allows me to be able to join the TMS again.  How I will be able to resist Linda or Lilly if they come in town again.  I really don't think I could resist.  Certainly if any more reasonably priced alternative were available of similar attributes, I would would fail to resist the temptation.

I just don't know how to deal with this.  I am devastated by this recurrent failure.  It is like I need to reset, but once I stop, I can't get started again.

Headache is getting worse now.  I ain't getting up for more coffee.  I decided to quit drinking coffee in the afternoon.  I do drink one soda though.  I'm still sipping on that.

Loneliness is my only companion these days.  I am so fail at getting past that.   I have been so awful at dealing with this.

Headache getting really bad now.  I may have to cut short the day.

Epic fail.

It is Wednesday.  I am trying and mostly failing to write Performance reviews   Not more than a dozen or so to do but I hate doing them so much I just can't seem to get traction.  I've been praying over this all day.  I'll be at work until about 8:00 PM.   I don't understand why I find this so difficult.  It was never so difficult in the years before I had an insane number of people reporting to me.  I can't make this happen.  I sit around wringing my hands and dreading the next moment.  I swear that next year will be different (same as I did last year, and the year before that.)

Another evidence that I so very hate my life.  Yet and still, this job does not interfere with study meetings prayer or service except on very rare occasions which I could really work around if I just wanted to.  What a crap cake I have made of my existence.   I pray about my problems until they are gone and then go back to the same old crap again.  For cryin' out loud!  Why don't I fix this?  What do I have to do?

Oh yea, and my psychologist hasn't called back.  Of course I abandoned that relationship many months ago, so I can blame anyone.  It's just yet another *sigh*  Maybe I can reach out to a psychiatrist.  S/he will want about $500 to go forward - minimum!  Probably more like $600.

I guess it has been worse in recent years.  This just sure as hell isn't fun not that things are not as bad as they once were.  I'm in total collapse now.

So in my last post, I was toying with the idea of asking for a study.  Well I did, via email.  I got a response that this "warmed the heart" of the recipient which I have difficulty understanding.  It seemed more like the person would breath a dejected sigh that they have to deal with me again.  I took it as a confusing sign.  I have long known (but rarely accepted, to my chagrin) that you have to look at a person's actions not their words.

So I talk to the guy after a meeting and he says, "let's do coffee and talk about this?"  I am thinking "What the hell?  Why would we schedule some future time to discuss this when we are both here now?"  I responded "We can talk right here."

"OK" he says.  He asked about my routine and I mentioned that all I do is study the Wt in the mornings.  He suggested adding a daily scripture and read the bible a chapter a day.  I said OK.  Then he said let's talk again in 2 weeks.  *Sigh*  What am I going to say to that?  "F*ck no! Let's get this show on the road!  I haven't done Jack for the last 10 years now let's rock and roll!"  No, of course not, that would be really stupid, not to mention unChristian.  So now I'm just waitin' and trying (mostly failing) to read the Bible as suggested.  I can feel the despair creeping back into my life.  I need to pray more.

Today I found that I was having a lot of trouble studying the Wt.  Then I put on some Goth and was at least able to get a few paragraphs done.  That's wierd.  The Goth seems to entangle part of my brain that is keeping the other part from studying.  I don't understand it but it seems to work.

I don't think it was this bad earlier this year.  Maybe it is the time change and the additional hours of darkness.

I was listening to a program on line and a GB person used Ezekiel 3:18,19

When I say to someone wicked, ‘You will surely die,’ but you do not warn him, and you fail to speak in order to warn the wicked one to turn from his wicked course so that he may stay alive,+ he will die for his error because he is wicked,+but I will ask his blood back from you.*+ 19 But if you warn someone wicked and he does not turn back from his wickedness and from his wicked course, he will die for his error, but you will certainly save your own life.*+

He used as a specific example an inactive person whose relatives think that somehow God will understand when judgment day comes.  Using this scripture as evidence he concluded that This God, the God of the bible says something different.

I don't do FS which means I am not warning people which means (as well as I understand it, and as supported by his (the GB person) as well) I ain't gonna make it into the GtCwd.  *Sign*.  (I actually do that a lot in real life.  I recall once, when I was married my wife got so irritated at me b/c I had just sighed.  I was surprised b/c I wasn't even aware of how much I do so.  Now when I am around my brother I hear him doing the same thing all the time, and I get irritated.)  Anyway, I am a dead man walking as far as I can tell.  That last phrase, "as far as I can tell."  I guess I still hope that God will understand even after the GB person slammed the door on that thinking.  I know I F*cked up my life. God didn't choke the holy spirit to a point where I couldn't make the right decision, I turned my back on him.

People keep saying "remember that Christ died for you personally" I am sure that is true.  Bible says it, GB applies it this way.  I am sure there is something to that line of thinking. Yes it must be right.  It is still hard to get my head around it.  I keep thinking that he died for good people, not my lame and broke down self.  I suppose Manassas was even more broke down than me given his history.  Satan doesn't yet have me sitting in a prison cell, so I haven't taken as much time as I am sure Manassas had to consider it.  I hope I do so in more comfortable circumstances.  Who knows.  God may allow Satan to do the same to me.  Even though that if I am persecuted for his sake, I still believe he won't let me be tempted beyond what I can take.  I do believe I will fail that test.  i have failed most others.

I looked at nrop again this weekend. many times.  I still haven's shaken that.  I am sure I will though; after I kick the bucket, I won't have any interest in that anymore.  And, of course God won't have any interest in me.  So things are bad but I also intellectually know that God will help me if it is not too late.

So it's 2 weeks later now and I did the first study with the dude.  It is pretty much what I expected, just reviewing material.  But I think I need that.  I don't have expectations of making any real connection.  The guy I am studying with is a nice guy.  He wants me to get in touch with the feelings of love (agape) God has for us.  That's a good idea, but it is more of an intellectual concept for me.

Someone switched off the nrop channel in my head for a couple of weeks.  Now the pain in the groin is back that comes from fluid buildup without regular release.  It won't kill me but it sure is uncomfortable.  With that comes the mental nrop that just comes bustin' out.  I guess there is no escaping that.

I decided to get with my son and read the Bible regularly.  We've made it two times now.  Yahoo!  I'm supposed to go to visit family this weekend.  Right after I made that appointment my current paid companion sent me a note saying she'd be in town this weekend.  If I hadn't just made arrangements I am sure I would have met with her, even if just for an hour or so.

I'm having more trouble concentrating at work.  I have to listen to music to get myself going.   Goth still works best, but my Femme-Fatale music collection is also getting a work out, along with Modern Strings.

I am not very encouraged now.  I have been here so many times and just failed again and again.  Whatever!  Giving up is giving up on life, and I'm not ready to do that.  I know I won't pass the test when Lilly comes to town (if she ever does.)  I am almost sure I won't pass when Linda comes next time.  It's like when you get the first two cards to stand up independently.  All towers start with the first stone, but, really; how many towers were started compared to the number that were actually completed to a degree that meant anything.  I just can't get excited at this point.

I just feel limp.  It's just so very frustrating, knowing that you are likely to die at God's hand and having tried so many times that further attempts seem so futile; the challenges are daunting and I have failed so many times before.

D*mn, I just hate myself and my life and my situation and all the badness I have poured upon myself in my life of disservice to God.  Such futility, and the sword of the IRS hangs over me ready to cut me in half.  Actually that would be too kind,  It will begin  the first of thousands of cuts, I don't know when.

Something Has Got to Change

Lilly (first and only other paid companion apart from Linda) indicated that she feels that guys have a "reason for seeing an escort" and then a "real reason for seeing an escort."   I think I have figured out my "real reason for seeing an escort."  It is because it is one woman I can go out with that won't laugh at me, act rude and treat me nicely.  Of course it is because they are being paid to do that (the costly ones anyway.)  I need that so badly I am willing to plunk down many hundreds of dollars in a single evening to have that experience.  I suppose it is a date with a beautiful woman with very low probability of rejection.  That's it.  (I am starting to really believe that I don't want the "benefits", though as I type this I am getting really concerned that I "think I am standing.")

Fortunately the cost is the hard limit that I am not going to overcome.  I will realize the expense before long and I will stop.  There is little question in my mind.  The one firm limit in my life is how much money to which I have access.  Like everyone else, more isn't enough and the more I have the more I want.

I really need to think about other things.  Studying the Bible, Exercising, Learning professionally and Eating responsibly.  Those are the things that can improve my life.  The trouble is I am taking such little interest in those things.  It might be a part of the symptoms of depression.  I suppose it is, given the fact that the other symptoms are there in such large measure.

I am a badly broken man and like a rocket that has lost its primary guidance mechanism I am continuing to fly around aimlessly.  It is not always apparent but an aircraft flying without control damages itself as the flight limits are exceeded and this has been happening for years.  If I manage to avoid disintegration with that mechanism, then inevitably I will one day either crash into the ground, crash not another flying object or simply run out of fuel.  The final possibility is God comes along and takes me out and, having died at God's hand, I will have no hope.  (See the earlier post depicting the imaginary gates of Hell.)

I can't turn this around.  I am too damaged.

So I was thinking about this a couple of days ago.  I realized that the elders "count" their time when they study with me, so they can't appear to be pushing as study on those who are look warm to the ides else they could be perceived as padding their service time with easy hours.  So maybe that's why they didn't probe even the mildest of resistance to the notion.  Honestly, If I say "I don't see the benefit .  .  ."  I am still a bit surprised they wouldn't offer to mention the benefit unless they were afraid of something.  This reasoning seems to make sense, but it may be just as foolhardy as reasoning that the flat earth rests on the backs of 4 elephants who are standing on a giant sea turtle.  In essence I have little idea on what makes those guys do what they do.

Anyway, I am thinking of asking them for help yet again.  I think that from their own perspective they have offered help on many occasions and I have refused it.  (That's not my observation but I think it is their view.)  It has been over a year since I met them last.  The Cheese isn't coming for a few months so they aren't even thinking about me, whatever.

So if I ask for help I expect nothing more than another meeting where two guys sit, look at me and say:  What's the problem.

I'll tell them the same thing I told them the last time: I don't do FS, I don't study enough, I don't pray enough.  And I expect them to say, "well you need to:  read your Bible, study more, pray more and go out in FS."  Or perhaps they are a bit more insightful and say:  "well, you need to read your bible and stop being depressed, and get a hobby."  

Maybe they will do like the last couple of times and say:  "What do you want us to do?"  If that happens I have to be prepared to suggest a solution rather than saying the first thing that comes t mind: "<expletives and expletive laden coarse phrases deleted>"  Rather I need to come up with some ideas as to how they could help:

1. Study w/me
2. Be nice to me at the meetings.
3. Stop treating me like a red-headed bastard step-child.  (Actually I almost said ADHD step-child.  However such children cannot be ignored.  It is very easy for them to ignore me.  What a crock this is, I'm 55 years old and trying to figure out how to get people to stop ignoring me.)
4. Go out in FS with me.
5. Invite me out sometimes

Item #1 is the only practical solution
I am too proud to say #2.  It also allows me to see what people are really feeling.  Not trying to project something based on knowledge I would rather they not have.
Item #3 is about the same as #2.
Regarding #4, I'm not ready to do FS so I don't think that is likely.  Possible modify this to pactice for FS with me.  maybe it could be combined with #1.
Item #5 is impractical because I'd like to know that someone really wants me there if I get an invitation.  Right now I can't tell if people invite me because they want me there or if they are doing it because my son was complaining that I'm never invited.  So I don't want to exacerbate that situation.

So the only thing they can do is to study with me.  It's not like knowing the fractional additional knowledge will help anything, but the additional study time I'll need to put in and the association during the study itself will help.

I've got no idea if I'm really gonna do this thing.

Paid Companion Seems About Right -- And God Sees It All

I did meet with Linda (paid companion to those new to the blog) last week and had a wonderful time.  We met at a restaurant that turned out to be really nice but not too very costly.  The meal was OK and the interaction was very cordial. (I was aware of that issue I have recently seen discussed regarding spotting an escort with her "john,"  a hot chick with the dufus looking guy.)  I think I did stand out in that way even though I attempted to mitigate the situation by wearing a sport coat.   I decided to come early but that was completely the wrong thing.  The more powerful person should always arrive last.  I did manage a calm greeting, getting up and doing the "nice to see you again" hug.  I tried to look confident and it felt like I pulled it off at the time but thinking back on it, I am sure it looked exactly like what was really happening.

I found Linda to be a truly multifaceted individual.  She is smarter than I first imagined her to be (and yet still every bit as pretty if not more so.  At one point I found myself a bit awe-struck.  She was describing how she bravely made radical changes in her career choices pulling off a significant career shift based on wise advice.  One point for further consideration arose from when I first met Linda.  She seemed really excited to see me.  I was a bit surprised by how enthusiastic she was and have wondered about it a couple of times.  I'm not sure what was going on in her mind; I may never will as she has probably forgotten by now.

The gift for her was some underwear from MeUndies.  She seemed to like it but obviously couldn't totally unwrap it at the restaurant.  More on that later.  I also explained that I had her secretary's gift back at my hotel a couple of blocks away but didn't want to bring it since the box was large.  I suggested we pick it up on her way back.  I wasn't sure how that would go over so I mentioned that as a "possibility" and didn't dwell on it.  I figured she could evaluate how she wanted to handle that as things went on during this session.

So when we got back to my hotel I couldn't determine if she might wait downstairs for me to fetch the gift for her secretary from my room, but she seemed to have no hesitation following me up.  I had the package near the front door to mitigate any concern she might have of "something else going on."

She was happy to accept Terri's boxed gift.  She then began unwrapping her own gift.  Hers was smaller (although more expensive) and I couldn't tell if she was disappointed or not.  She said all the right works, thanks you, it is so <fill in adjective>, it's really nice.

The next day I followed up with a note to her secretary indicating that I had a great time with Linda.  I heard nothing from her for a bit.  After about 4 days I heard from her secretary indicating that she absolutely loved the wine glasses I bought for her.  I sent the standard "your welcome" response and she replied to that indicating how much she loved them.  Wallowing in my own ridiculous illogic (OK, not a real word) I imagined that Linda was jealous of Terri's gift.

When I got Linda's response I became somewhat comfortable that she really did like her own gift.  She mentioned again how <nice or whatever> the items were and how she would use them.  She also mentioned that she  looked up the manufacturer for additional similar items.  I've concluded that she did like and appreciate the gift.

So back to the moments on the date with Linda, during all the back and forth with Terri's gift and Linda's gift there were a couple of hugs exchanged.  The first one could have been a kiss but I was already aiming for a sibling appropriate hugging motion when I realized she was aiming differently.  I couldn't redirect myself in time without it being awkward.  

She was wearing a short jacket so the hug wasn't as "nice" as the firs hug from her when she was in a sleeveless dress.  The brief sensation during the release motion when my hand slid along her upper arm was probably the first adult human display of affection I had experienced in many many months.  Actually the last prior time would have been with my ex when I was seeing her and feelings started to develop again.  But given the state of affairs now, I look back on any displays of affection with the ex in disgust.  On this date, even though we hugged a few times, her coat blunted the tactile sensation.

So as we were standing there chatting for a few seconds I realized that I could not see her eyes.  She mentioned her eyes were blue, but at first mention, in the restaurant, her face was not well illuminated.  So with her in the hotel, I walked her over to a hanging fixture and looked directly into them.  They are, in fact grey blue.  There is definitely blue there but at first blush I would call them grey or hazel.  She mentioned that when she is nervous, they turn more blue and told me the story about how her mother used to say mean things to her just before a photographic session to get them to turn more blue.

Things ended with a final good night (sibling appropriate) hug and the date was over.  I know she was getting a bit tired.  She let it slip when she asked for the check at the restaurant.  I was a bit disappointed that she was even aware of the passage of time.  Not entirely surprising though.  I really should have set up things for Monday evening.  I am sure Sunday was a long day for her since she had flown in earlier that day.

Looking back it was like meeting a happily married best friend from College who happened to be in town for a couple of days.  I actually had the almost identical experience with an unmarried best friend from college about 5 years earlier.  That one didn't cost me a grand like this one did.  (No, that relationship never went anywhere but into the toilet; I can't remember if I related that earlier in this blog.)

So now I relate that to more recent bible study which clearly illustrated the dangers of poor choice of association.  I also think of the notion of using Match or other dating services.  Actually I think that would be more dangerous.  things will never go anywhere with Linda (or Lilly.)  It is just way, way too expensive to maintain a long term relationship with either of them.  I am discovering that I really don't want the "benefits" (as in friends with benefits.  Though, maybe I think I am standing - inside Jw comment.)

I am starting to think about fs again.  Not that I think I am close, but I am not sure I want to put any more obstacles in that path than I already have.  Actually it might be like adding a wooden brace to a door that is already welded shut.  Honestly that's probably a fair assessment (if I continue to avoid the "benefits.")  The cost element is something that I simply cannot overcome for any length of time.  I am already well beyond what I could have imagined during any sane moment.

Oddly enough, the lack of money is probably a key factor in my safety all these years.  I just can't afford to steer off into oblivion spiritually speaking.  I think that's why, when I am really poor and in financial trouble, I start to behave more spiritually.

What a jerk I have become.  And God just sees it all .  .  .