Paid Companion Seems About Right -- And God Sees It All

I did meet with Linda (paid companion to those new to the blog) last week and had a wonderful time.  We met at a restaurant that turned out to be really nice but not too very costly.  The meal was OK and the interaction was very cordial. (I was aware of that issue I have recently seen discussed regarding spotting an escort with her "john,"  a hot chick with the dufus looking guy.)  I think I did stand out in that way even though I attempted to mitigate the situation by wearing a sport coat.   I decided to come early but that was completely the wrong thing.  The more powerful person should always arrive last.  I did manage a calm greeting, getting up and doing the "nice to see you again" hug.  I tried to look confident and it felt like I pulled it off at the time but thinking back on it, I am sure it looked exactly like what was really happening.

I found Linda to be a truly multifaceted individual.  She is smarter than I first imagined her to be (and yet still every bit as pretty if not more so.  At one point I found myself a bit awe-struck.  She was describing how she bravely made radical changes in her career choices pulling off a significant career shift based on wise advice.  One point for further consideration arose from when I first met Linda.  She seemed really excited to see me.  I was a bit surprised by how enthusiastic she was and have wondered about it a couple of times.  I'm not sure what was going on in her mind; I may never will as she has probably forgotten by now.

The gift for her was some underwear from MeUndies.  She seemed to like it but obviously couldn't totally unwrap it at the restaurant.  More on that later.  I also explained that I had her secretary's gift back at my hotel a couple of blocks away but didn't want to bring it since the box was large.  I suggested we pick it up on her way back.  I wasn't sure how that would go over so I mentioned that as a "possibility" and didn't dwell on it.  I figured she could evaluate how she wanted to handle that as things went on during this session.

So when we got back to my hotel I couldn't determine if she might wait downstairs for me to fetch the gift for her secretary from my room, but she seemed to have no hesitation following me up.  I had the package near the front door to mitigate any concern she might have of "something else going on."

She was happy to accept Terri's boxed gift.  She then began unwrapping her own gift.  Hers was smaller (although more expensive) and I couldn't tell if she was disappointed or not.  She said all the right works, thanks you, it is so <fill in adjective>, it's really nice.

The next day I followed up with a note to her secretary indicating that I had a great time with Linda.  I heard nothing from her for a bit.  After about 4 days I heard from her secretary indicating that she absolutely loved the wine glasses I bought for her.  I sent the standard "your welcome" response and she replied to that indicating how much she loved them.  Wallowing in my own ridiculous illogic (OK, not a real word) I imagined that Linda was jealous of Terri's gift.

When I got Linda's response I became somewhat comfortable that she really did like her own gift.  She mentioned again how <nice or whatever> the items were and how she would use them.  She also mentioned that she  looked up the manufacturer for additional similar items.  I've concluded that she did like and appreciate the gift.

So back to the moments on the date with Linda, during all the back and forth with Terri's gift and Linda's gift there were a couple of hugs exchanged.  The first one could have been a kiss but I was already aiming for a sibling appropriate hugging motion when I realized she was aiming differently.  I couldn't redirect myself in time without it being awkward.  

She was wearing a short jacket so the hug wasn't as "nice" as the firs hug from her when she was in a sleeveless dress.  The brief sensation during the release motion when my hand slid along her upper arm was probably the first adult human display of affection I had experienced in many many months.  Actually the last prior time would have been with my ex when I was seeing her and feelings started to develop again.  But given the state of affairs now, I look back on any displays of affection with the ex in disgust.  On this date, even though we hugged a few times, her coat blunted the tactile sensation.

So as we were standing there chatting for a few seconds I realized that I could not see her eyes.  She mentioned her eyes were blue, but at first mention, in the restaurant, her face was not well illuminated.  So with her in the hotel, I walked her over to a hanging fixture and looked directly into them.  They are, in fact grey blue.  There is definitely blue there but at first blush I would call them grey or hazel.  She mentioned that when she is nervous, they turn more blue and told me the story about how her mother used to say mean things to her just before a photographic session to get them to turn more blue.

Things ended with a final good night (sibling appropriate) hug and the date was over.  I know she was getting a bit tired.  She let it slip when she asked for the check at the restaurant.  I was a bit disappointed that she was even aware of the passage of time.  Not entirely surprising though.  I really should have set up things for Monday evening.  I am sure Sunday was a long day for her since she had flown in earlier that day.

Looking back it was like meeting a happily married best friend from College who happened to be in town for a couple of days.  I actually had the almost identical experience with an unmarried best friend from college about 5 years earlier.  That one didn't cost me a grand like this one did.  (No, that relationship never went anywhere but into the toilet; I can't remember if I related that earlier in this blog.)

So now I relate that to more recent bible study which clearly illustrated the dangers of poor choice of association.  I also think of the notion of using Match or other dating services.  Actually I think that would be more dangerous.  things will never go anywhere with Linda (or Lilly.)  It is just way, way too expensive to maintain a long term relationship with either of them.  I am discovering that I really don't want the "benefits" (as in friends with benefits.  Though, maybe I think I am standing - inside Jw comment.)

I am starting to think about fs again.  Not that I think I am close, but I am not sure I want to put any more obstacles in that path than I already have.  Actually it might be like adding a wooden brace to a door that is already welded shut.  Honestly that's probably a fair assessment (if I continue to avoid the "benefits.")  The cost element is something that I simply cannot overcome for any length of time.  I am already well beyond what I could have imagined during any sane moment.

Oddly enough, the lack of money is probably a key factor in my safety all these years.  I just can't afford to steer off into oblivion spiritually speaking.  I think that's why, when I am really poor and in financial trouble, I start to behave more spiritually.

What a jerk I have become.  And God just sees it all .  .  .

My Best Friend

Being fat and seeking slim is such a contradiction.  So is trying to be a Jw and seeking paid female companionship, and here I am doing both.

I like the job I have and I hate it at the same time.  I really need to make a change.  I need to get out of my comfort zone and deal with these issues as quickly and effectively as possible.  Not doing so will likely result in my death.  Not that many would notice, probably on ay a very few.  And all because of what, a pretty face (and gorgeous body?)

Of course it is not worth it, but as I am so starved for attention from an intelligent adult, I feel almost forced to give in.

Whatever drivel from above is at least a month old.  The issues are still raw and throbbing but more like a dull pain that has been around for a long time.

I have another appointment with my new best friend:  Linda Hunt (not her real name, duh.)  It is so expensive I am thinking about just cancelling and using the money to buy something I really need like a record player.  Honestly the only way I could see that I would meet with her again if she is OK with letting me take some photos of her.  That would be really fun.

Hang on, did I loose you?  OK let me catch you up, my best friend and confidant is a paid companion.  Yes the same as the escorts you can see implying lascivious services for hire, though they specifically only offer time and companionship and what happens during that time is at the discretion of  the client and provider.  That is the only way I seem to be able to have friends.  Actually it works OK.  The amount of time I spend with this person is hard limited because of the extreme cost involved.  I just don't want the services that would get me in trouble spiritually as much as I want the intellectual interaction (when the consequences of any such interaction is included in the analysis.)

However it is wholly unsatisfying because the cost limits the availability so harshly that I am still left in severe want.  This isn't really very unusual, just part of the dull throbbing in my life.  Occasionally the pain takes on an acute characteristic, which leads to making stupid decisions.

Abandoned Hope

I recall a traffic accident about to happen.  I remember it in particular detail since it was really a slow moving potential crash.  It would have just been a fender bender - but who wants to have to deal with that, right?

I was sitting in a parking lot and someone started to back up.  The first flash was "Oh, surely they will see me in just a few of milliseconds."  They kept coming now very close.  At that time it was:  "Great guns, I don't even have time to back-up.  I had better blow the horn, this is going to disturb the church service but no matter, it's got to happen."  So I blew the horn.  One long blast.  As it sounded I watched the rear bumper disappear from view, even though I was sitting in a van much farther forward than a standard car such that once you can't see the rear bumper, it is very close.

They kept coming backward at a steady pace.  The horn was sounding, there was no way I could get my vehicle in reverse fast enough, all I could do was wait and hope.  Then the hope was gone.  "It's going to happen" I thought.  While I can't claim miraculous intervention, but it seemed that way, because the driver stopped millimeters short.  The messy accident was averted.

I feel like that micro-moment captures my current feeling.  The point where I had been waiting and hoping and the transition from hope to sure failure.

I used to say all the time:  "God hates me,"  because I simply don't follow his commands and I do things that break his principles and laws.  But Armageddon hasn't come yet, so I am trying to stop saying that.  I don't think it is true anymore.  Now I say to myself:  "God loves me; but I hate God"

“No one can slave for two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other,+ or he will stick to the one and despise the other. You cannot slave for God and for Riches. Matthew 6:24 RNWT.

It sounds like such a strong statement, but there it is in the bible.  I despise God as, clearly something else (not necessarily riches, but something) is the master whom I worship.  Now, just how am I gonna fix this?

Study Meetings Prayer Service.  How I motivate myself to study?  Get to know God.  How do I get to know God?  Study.  How do I break out of this cycle?  Dear reader, I'll let you know if I ever do.

While I don't believe in a literal hell, I feel I am passing the pictured threshold. moving beyond the sign that reads:  "ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE"

Step One: Who Knows How Many Will Follow

So on the last post I decided that I need to do some things:

1. Read More
2. Pray More (as much as is necessary to stop feeling anxious.)
3. Look up what is already written about my problems and try to apply that,
4. Stop feeling sorry for myself, wash my face and
5. Help others

I had my first Family Worship night with my son.  It was good.  He was positive about it and it helped me to understand his reasoning on things.

I haven't put into practice these things.  I am praying more, for the next encounter with a "professional" woman be somehow cancelled.  This is the second time I set up a date with her so I am determined to keep it unless she cancels.  If I do end up going, I will try my best to enjoy the time together, however because of the nature of the encounter, there is very little chance of it leading to anything immoral.

I suppose I do spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself.  How stupid is that!

It still seems largely hopeless, but I don't feel quite as bad as I have before.   I think that the convention did raise my spirits a bit.  Of course, they beat me up pretty oggd

Continuing Breakage

What will I do to keep from breaking this next weekend as well.

1. A schedule of things to do and tasks to complete
2. A schedule that includes Prayer, Study and Helping others, and working out.
3. Start working out regularly before the weekend starts.

Somehow I have to stop the Nrop.  I can skip the speed dating. I know Kyra will be a bust.  I thought about spending the night in the area to minimize the disruption to the schedule, but that's just another 300 clams I don't want to have to spend.

This is all really bad.

In the end, it was still a broken weekend.

Convention Effect

I could just fall over and sleep for several hours.

The convention (as usual) gave me plenty of time to reflect on the way I have really made a mess of my life.  I am really so very sad now.  You can see the progress other people make that eclipse my very best efforts during those brief moments in my life when I managed to serve God more so than not.

I just wish I could hide my face from this world, curl up into a ball and die.  Unfortunately I have responsibilities and I know I cannot fulfill those responsibilities dead.  Also my life is not mine, but God's even though I haven't given him anything noteworthy in a very long time.

Convention's Aftermath

So I went to the International Convention this weekend.  And looked at nrop on Monday night.  What a stupid piece of refuse I am.  Soak in HS, then splash around in Satan's pig pen.  You're never going to come clean dude.  I can wash off and change clothes, but then the dirt just soaks my clothes from the inside out.

According to the convention I need to:

1. Read More
2. Pray More (as much as is necessary to stop feeling anxious.)
3. Look up what is already written about my problems and try to apply that,
4. Stop feeling sorry for myself, wash my face and help others

Then I have this date with Kyra.  I'm not as worried about that, These things never work out.  It was rare that it did the one time with.  It won't be long before I see that look that tells me she is feeling sorry for me to be followed soon by impatience as the second hand crawls around the dial in silence.

There is the Speed Dating thing this weekend, Actually, that's probably the real trap.  I'll stay away from that.  First smart move I've made since "coming back" from the Convention.  I figure that even if it doesn't go awful with Kyra, it won't go so well that I would be willing to plunk down another grand to see her again for another 2 hour dinner date.  (not including dinner, drinks, gift plus tip.)

I can't believe I'm doing this, but I can't seem to get out of it.  I clearly need a generous application of number 1.  I am trapped so tightly I just can't move one way or the other.  This trap I am in is so diabolical that there must have been an intelligent but  Machiavellian entity that devised it.  I need God's help but I won't ask for it.  My prayers are not being heard -- I believe.