The Bitch is Back

So the bitch is coming back.  She is getting off the shunning list next week and will be allowed to freely associate within the congregations.  Good for her I say.  I am sure she will be allowed to participate in meeting discussions and join their educational program before me.

I feel like I permanently inhabit the back pew.  Not shunned but uninvited.  I know that this is all my fault but lately I have been spending way way way the hell too much time trying to fix blame on the deacons.  My heart is already there.  My mind can find what my heart wants but the cold logic in me says this is all wrong.  God wouldn't let me be crushed by people in his own organization.

I just feel an aversion to their presence and feel uncomfortable around them.  When one of them calls or emails,  I dread it, but at the same time keep thinking, maybe this time they will have something to say that will really help.  I won't look at them when they give talks.  I'll listen but I don't want to look at them.  I don't think I have said an unkind word to either of them, but I know that I do make them uncomfortable.  Still and all, God loves them and their behaviors.  He hates what I do and what it is that I do not do that he I should be doing.   How to improve is just a constant struggle.  I am not making it.  I do know that whatever it is, it is not their fault.  Even if there is something they didn't get right, they are handling this far far better than me.  I am the one with the problem. I am for the most part sure that in their heart of hearts, they are trying to help.  I am the idiot.  It is all my fault.  I need to avoid blaming them and get on with my life, what little of it there is left.

So, now, again, just how am I gonna do that?

This Time Every Year I Get Like This

I remember an ex-friend with whom I would occasionally each lunch.  On one such occasion I noted his salad eating habits.  He would just stab the plate randomly until he got enough on his fork.  I, on the other hand, would deliberately aim for the leaves followed by some vegetable or chunk of fruit, to hold the leaves on my fork.  I tried his way  a few times and found it largely effective.

I feel like this is how I am trying to get back into my church, I am just stabbing around a lot without much planning.  Not to say that I never did.  Many times I would put schedules together.  I would even plot out targets for SMSP  (Study Meetings Service & Prayer) but to no avail in every case.  Now I feel like and stabbing around with the same efficacy.

Yes I go to meetings, but I am bored to tears there.  I study sometimes and, promises to the contrary notwithstanding, I am still bored.

However I have learned that someway somehow, it is all my fault.  I can't blame God for this, I am the one at fault.  Even if it is because I myself, haven't followed the advice & rules such that I am not there to do a better job.  It is just powerfully frustrating to be relegated to sitting in meetings, for which you know you must be present, and to sit like a bad child in an environment that I find so utterly lacking in intellectual stimulation.  I don't feel "too good" to be there.

Part of it is that the meetings are designed for participation.  If you aren't engaged in the group discussion, it becomes much more uninteresting.  If you are mentally planning to say something, it is an entirely different experience.  As I mentioned before I was released from the restriction not to do so when I lied and told them I an not watching nrop anymore.   So I decided that I still won't comment until a year after the last time I intentionally watch nrop.  So I have 11 months and 2 weeks to go (presuming I don't screw up again.)

And the feelings of loss, abandonment, depression wash over me with force that knocks the breath from my lungs and suffocates my soul.  Like a heavy and damp net it frustrates every movement and incites despair and resignation to defeat.  I truly hate what I have become.  There is no way out of this unless and until God decides to show mercy, or perhaps until I take advantage of the mercy he has continually shown.

Letter

I am writing, and have been for some time now (adding editing & revising) a letter to my religion's HQ.  Most religions would ignore such, but I did this before (about 30 years ago) and I got a serious reply.  The religion doesn't encourage this.  There is a protocol that starts with the local deacons (of which there are several in most congregations) but then it goes to a itinerant deacon who has a higher level of responsibility.

I have discussed my situation with him so I perceive some cause to go over his head.  But still and all, I feel like if God wanted me to get some attention I would have gotten what I needed so the delays that I perceive as problematic are in all likelihood, my own fault and God wouldn't have it any other way.  While I am tempted to, I won't reproduce the letter here.  Just suffice it to say that it is an "I'm drowning here!" type letter more than an "I've been wronged." type.  It does mention the situation in several paragraphs of summary, spanning the events largely of the past 10 years when my spiritual situation really took a nosedive and crashed for me and those around me.  It sounds in sections like I am blaming the deacons or others, but I keep saying (as I truly believe) that this is all my fault.

I am thinking that I might send the letter to the local deacons and tell them I want to discuss this with the itinerant Big Dog when he comes around in a few months.  It is unflattering for the local guys but I really shouldn't care if they get their noses out of joint if (and only if) what I am saying is true and balanced.  It's pretty hard for me to offer an unbalanced opinion here.  

Of course then one has to go back and say:  "Hold on a second.  If this is really God's organization, why do I have to say anything at all?  Why don't I just get the help I need.  Yes and truly the Lord knows that I have discussed my situation with them on many occasions."  Hell, I don't know.  but the bottom line is that what I have been doing before hasn't worked.  It may be that there just isn't any saving my sorry behind and I am too incorrigible.  I hear people tell me all the time that God loves everyone and that Jesus died for us all.  NOT SO!  He died so that those putting faith in him might be saved.  Apparently that doesn't include me.  And before you (odd true Christian reader) might object let me add:  "This is the course I have chosen for myself.  It's no one else's fault."  Really, there's no refuting that.  The only hope is that my analysis is just wrong.  I hope it is.  I just don't think so.

I suppose another hope is that "I can change."  After 35 years of realizing my errors and continuing to adjust for it (to varying degrees) I must conclude that:  "It's unlikely that I will change enough to suit God.  Again, my choice, ludicrous though it may be."

I feel closed off at every turn.  Maybe it is the depression talking and I might believe that if the feelings and rejection hadn't lasted so very long.

On further reflection, maybe there's no reason for a letter at all.  Maybe all I needed was to get "right" with God, and then it won't be necessary.  No one would get their nose out of joint and I won't waste anyone else's time.  Hmmmm, now, just how am I going to do that?

!NaCL4Me

So this is the week, the escort is in town.  I have written and continue to perfect a letter that says "I changed my mind (again) and now I want to see you."  It doesn't sound nearly so pathetic as that.  So those who know the story of Lot's escape from the doomed cities with his wife and kids know that I am still playing the part of his wife.

The thing is I would still end up spending nearly a grand.  Not b/c that's the new rate, (I'm apparently grandfathered in at the old social rate) but because I would want to just be generous.  So there's that.  Also I know the probability is significant that I would do so and, at this late date, she has no availability.  Then here I would sit, disloyal to God and without the benefit of that which I wanted.  That would really suck lemons.

New Day:  really I should not do so b/c I want God to be happy.  Of course now, which is worse, seeing the Escort or going out with my df ex-wife.  I rationalize the latter saying that there is positive in having my kid with both her parents together.  I think he likes that and appreciates the few times we are all together.  Nonetheless she is shunned (formally kicked out of the church circle) and I'm not supposed to have anything to do with her.   I think that most would agree that the Escort is worse but on what scriptural basis?  I guess it would be like hanging out with anyone who chooses a lifestyle radically and flagrantly different from God's standard - like going out with a politician.

Who knows, who cares.  It seem that no one really does (except God, and it seems I just don't meet his standards.)  I have been in this situation before where I have struggled to do the right thing.   And when I do, there are no angels singing or harps playing.  The next day comes and goes with the same crap to deal with.  Yes I am sure I have benefited myself by not having done the bad thing.  I just wish it was obvious.

New Day:  So yesterday I deleted the (unsent draft) email to the escort.  I suppose that I got tired of dithering and the head logic finally won out over the heart.  I still HMS for not following through, but I know this is the best (actually the only correct) decision.  It hurts to realize I have to go back to the censure committee, but there is no other choice.  One new committee member offered a KM a couple of weeks ago.  He indicated he would get it to me on the next meeting.  I downloaded a copy anyway and sure enough after 2 weeks he hasn't delivered.  He's really busy though.  There were countless times I did the same thing.  IHMS for doing so 'cause now I see that it really is disappointing on the receiving end.

And oh yea, no singing, no harps.  Just another meeting in which I struggle to stay awake.

I guess in summary, maybe I am not looking my shoulder but it could be that I am not evacuating the city, maybe I have left the house and haven't gotten out of my neighborhood.  Of course if that is the case then I'll get burned with the fire or crushed with the brimstone (whatever the hell that is.)  I suppose in that case salt may have been better - dead, but at least it wouldn't hurt as much.

NaCl

So I turned my back on my escort (though wishing she was Rahab - though if she like Rahab, it certainly wouldn't be me to make the connect) and toward God.  However for the past several days I keep looking over my shoulder.  Wanting, hoping that she will email anyway and the conversation (and soon to follow appointment) would be on again (my fervent hope.)  One of these days I am going to turn into a pillar of salt.  (Genesis 19:26 - I cite scriptural references 'cause it makes me feel smart.)

I realize this woman is so far out of my league that any connection (beyond a professional one) would be uproariously laughable.  But I have always done that.  I just can't believe just how socially inept I have been.  It pains me to recall these events to mind.  The stab my heart and make it hurt at times like this.  I feel so unworthy and inadequate.  I am totally ashamed of myself.  I just want to go away.
I keep realizing over and over that I MUST find a doctor and get back on medication. I am a jerk and a freak.  I can't work efficiently and in many cases effectively without the drugs.  I have to get them back.  I don't know how to carry on without them

So the bitch is talking to her surrogate censure committee.  The moved away from the location (and hence congregation) of the original one so a second one was formed at her current location to review her case.  They will formally convene to hear her plea for mercy tonight.  I suggested she write a script and read it to them.  Sounds like she is going to do that.  I think she will finally get off the shunning list (non-practice-rs seem to like to call it.)

She will likely get off all censorship levels before I do.  Everyone likes her.  They talk to her and look the other way when I look at them.  They treat my son much better also.  He will be submitting his plea for re-connection soon as well.

Getting my act together really shouldn't be so hard.  I need the drugs and then it will all be clear.  I am also not sleeping right.  It leaves me exhausted during the day but every morning I am waking up at 1:00 oe 2:00 AM.  If I get up then or not, I end up really tired during the day.  Oh well,  I need to get on the phone.

Rahab

I was feeling so much better before and now it is like a depression cloud is coming over me.  It is fast moving in that I can feel myself slowing down and becoming unresponsive.  I think that before it was more gradual.  I am hating the onset of this struggle.  It is like feeling walls close in.  Before long, if I don't get help, no matter how much I struggle I won't be able to move.

It may be because my mom died recently and that has me really upside down.  It may be because her death led my brother to depend on me more than before.  It may be because as I look at the house where my mom lived, there is just so much work that needs to be done there it is depressing.

I also attempted to make an appointment with an escort.  I think this is the real reason I am feeling so badly.  God is unhappy with that decision and I think he is letting me know it.  Right now I am thinking that I will keep the appointment because I hate dithering over issues especially once a decision is announced.  But then again many years ago I announced that I would serve God and here I am doing something directly against that.

I told the escort that I didn't want "full service" that this would be a social visit.  Yet it still costs quite a lot.  I may even need a new coat since it will be chilly but not too cold.  I have a heavy jacket but not medium weight formal outerwear -- a pea-coat is what I perceive I will need.  This is a provider I engaged previously and described in an earlier post.

Anyway, I think God is highly displeased that I chose to make this appointment.  I think it is like I said:  "yea, yea, yea, I know what you say about bad association (1 Cor 15:33)  but this is different, I need to talk to someone."  As If God didn't already know that!  If he wanted me to talk to someone he could make that happen.  But by making an expensive escort appointment to have someone to talk, well that was just foolish.  It is like I don't trust God to help me out.

Now maybe he wants me to ask for help more explicitly, or more fervently or more frequently or more something.  Maybe he doesn't think that I have really asked for help at all.  Maybe I am fooling myself in thinking that my previous discussions with the censorship committee was me asking for help.  Actually this is all just immaterial.  It is wrong to go to an escort for anything but to tell them about God.  Yes you can preach to them, but employing their services is just not correct.  Hopefully, dear reader, I don't need to spell that out.

Actually let me be more clear.  It isn't that escorts are some "untouchable" class.  It is just that their primary profession, what they usually do (aside from "social" appointments) is explicitly labeled as incorrect 2 Corinthians 6:9,10.)  Also King Solomon (right, the wisest man) actually talks about watching someone getting seduced by a prostitute (Proverbs 7:6-21.)  He labels it negatively.

So what's wrong with "social" appointments?  Well now we are back to 1 Corinthians 15:33.  Especially if you need help.  Actually there is explicit instructions if you need help James 5:14.)  And, of course if this isn't working then you must be doing something else wrong.  And taking another unwise step is a thoroughly stupid thing to do.

So, what to do.  Well the escort hasn't responded yet.  So it isn't like we have made an appointment.  So I suppose I could just send her a note and say:  "Never mind."  I feel like such a heel doing that though.  But I guess in retrospect it is what God wants.  Actually he wants me to not meet with the escort and it is up to me to take positive steps to make that happen.

So the challenge is to cancel the appointment but not take anything away from the escort.  I mean anyone who read the earlier post regarding her can see that I really like this person.  But I can't think of any other way to do it.  If I send a long note about why, it will sound self serving.   I am poor socially and just don't have any ideas about how to do this politely.  I suppose I can pray about it.

I will be feeling bad about this for a long time.  But maybe it will make God less displeased with me.  There seems to be just so much I need to do to make him happy with me. The best I can hope for is "less displeased."

Actually, and for the record a prostitute and here family was the only ones selected by God to survive the destruction of Jericho.  Rahab was her name.  (Joshuah starting in the second chapter)  She survived for exercising faith in God.  I say that because if someone selects an occupation that is not in line with social norms or biblical norms, that doesn't mean they are "bad" people.  I guess I still like this woman.  I hope God doesn't think she is a "bad" person when her judgement day comes along with the rest of us.

Diving Back Under the Covers of Depression

10 minutes 'til showtime today.  I have a plate full of meetings and there is no way I will survive clear headed.

I hate being in charge of a team and I can't manage it well.  I am motivated to be a good leader but it seems to be beyond my skill level.  I hate what I have become.

Bitch leaked out the death of my mom to my current congregation.  I got a couple of texts so far expressing condolence.  I really wish that they just did not know my business.

I am thinking about responding something like:

Thanks for the kind words but the person who told you had no business doing so.  Don't tell anyone else!

But these dudes are just doing what they know to do.  They don't understand who I am, (or maybe they do and I don't understand myself.)  In any case there is no malice so I will probably just leave it alone.

After all, maybe they will feel better if they tell me how sorry they are for my loss.  They can check the "poked Mark" box for the year and feel good that they positively know even the edge cases in the flock.

On Sunday they asked me (during the meeting) if I wanted them to announce my father's death to the whole congregation.  I said no, of course.  The last thing I need is a bunch of insincere people telling me how sorry they are for my loss with me looking back at them saying, "If you are so sorry my mom died, why do you choose to stand back and say nothing as you watch me die?"   That wouldn't be polite though.  I wouldn't really say it, but I would get mad at them because that is something like what I would be feeling.

One elder did come up to me and express his sincere condolences.  He was kind and nice.  Not at all like the texts from the other two people.  (Of course if it was me I wouldn't have even sent a text.)  I didn't say anything to Smith when his wife died.  So I really shouldn't be complaining.  I don't know why I am complaining at all.  God could rightfully strike me dead here and now and be completely justified in doing so.  He has graciously offered the people he does to help me through difficult times in my life.  No they are not perfect and they don't claim to be.  They do what they can to help and are sincere in their efforts.

I am just being a blackguard, a contemptible scoundrel too proud to accept much needed help.  I am so ashamed of what I have grown up to be.  A person of no value and no worth to God.  I keep thinking, no maybe not.  Maybe you are worth something. Maybe you will get it right next time, but I don't, I fail every test of faith.  I am nothing, just nothing.