Diet and Death

I'm into this diet for a few weeks now.   It is officially "on."  In other words I am taking it seriously but, as usual as soon as I get comfortable that it is working, it stops working.  A year or more ago I had started a diet like this in April and it lasted, for the most part, until Thanksgiving at which point I let it go totally.

I have discovered I have a major problem with nuts.  I can't have them around and I have stopped trying to overcome that temptation.  I just don't buy them anymore.  I have also taken to largely fasting during the work day.  When I have a lot of meetings, this provides enough of a distraction that I am not as bothered by the hunger.

Anyway I am sensing that this has an adverse affect on my thinking.  The brain uses carbs to restore its ability to make decisions.  I am finding myself coasting more (mentally speaking) and so I decided to get lunch today.  I did find that the much smaller food portions of late have shrunk my stomach and I couldn't even finish a small "plate" of sushi roll.  (Good for me!)

I need to get back to work though. It was really discouraging to find that the last corporate management change over is not working out well.  The new management team wants short term results.  No real understanding of the market we are in.  To them we are just another construction company, as though Health Care is just another business.

I am going to the meeting tonight.  I am excited and tense about it.  I always hate going, as any faithful reader of this blog can't help but note.

I think the motivation for this diet, (I have been trying to loose weight for decades) came from me really studying myself in the mirror and being thoroughly disgusted with what I see.  I have long known that I am fat, but I didn't see it for a long time. I kept looking at myself from the front.  Several years ago I looked at myself from the side and saw how big I look.  It took several additional years to work through the denial but I now know beyond doubt that I am fat, and how to take meaningful action to address the issue.  Of course there was the motivation to do so and, at least for the moment, I have enough to continue.  So much more to the story but I am sure I've exhausted my readers' (presuming there are any such) attention.

I really wanted to talk about death in this post.  It is sneaking closer.  I can feel it and smell it but it isn't as obvious as it typically is.  I think that I will be soon in a life and death struggle in my own head.  I suppose I usually am as I struggle to do God's will in the severely limited and stilted way that I do.  That is certainly life and death enough.

It is coming closer in a more tangible way as I wrestle with the final/ultimate solution.  I think I am getting exhausted with the hurting and the problems looming over my head.  I just "can't" handle that.  Now that the company is going down for another dip into the viability meter "Danger" hash marks, I may just check out.  The really wild thing is that the new owners are just making these bloodthirsty screams for profits and yet they know next to nothing about the market this company serves.

The Trap

Well, the kid moved  back in this weekend.  The drama was mild but certainly there.  Her insurance is almost cancelled on her car and I don't want her driving it around.  She agreed.  And then when she left for work today, she drove off in her uninsured car.

God loves me but I don't recognize my perception of it very poignantly now.  I feel like I am still an enemy of God, as I was labeled by my censuring committee.  I keep repeating the God will kill me soon.  And why not.  I know what he wants and I refuse to do it.  I don't tell others about his expectations and the benefits of ceding to them.  I don't like being with his people.

I went to the first "Sunday" service in months and it felt good because I wasn't surrounded by the congregation about which I would ordinarily be.  It felt much better.  Less stressful.  Anyway it is an awful time I am going into now.  I hate what I am presented with and I wish I could just end it all.  The final solution is looking pretty good now.  It isn't like I am really suffering much.  I am a typical spoiled american.  I am not hungry, my family wasn't killed by rebels in front of my own eyes.  I am now aware of any horrid disease that will leave me crippled and/or without sound mind.  I am simply  distressed about my abject refusal to serve God.  Why would I be this way.  I know Jehovah God to be a good and loving individual.  But the standards he sets are so very high, it seems impossible for me to reach them.  It isn't though, with his help even I could (presuming there is enough time to do so.)  Apparently, I just don't want it.

I seem to want what Satan offers more:  the "temporary enjoyment of sin."  I feel I am missing something by not having some of that sin.  But the more I have indulged in the sin the more bitter my life, and the more sin I want.  I see the trap, I examine the fine quality of its construction, I see (at least at some level) how it works.  I know the way out and yet I am still captured thereby.  This is one fine device.  When the victim can see it, figure it out, understand its workings and yet I remain clutched.

Damocles

So I paused over the title but, as is customary, I moved to the blog input box and just started typing.  As usual.  I'll figure out the title when I'm done.  In case anyone hasn't figured out, this is just the blog of a deeply disturbed individual who finds writing down his troubles to be somewhat calming.


Deeply disturbed is correct, but not as depressed as oh, say a year ago at this time.  It has been a long struggle to come up from the mire of depression.  The journey continues.  I am not well.  I still consider the ultimate solution but not with the seriousness and the propensity to act as once existed not so long ago.  Fear not, dear reader,  I am not a deeply disturbed violent criminal; or maybe to some of you that is a disappointment.  I am just a man fighting for his sanity.

It is a week later and in the interim my child of twenty something years has asked to move back home.  This is good news since I am falling apart.  He or she is worth living for to try to help.  Myself, well not so much.  I took a couple of days off, Monday and Tuesday of this week.  I intended to use it as a time to go to my other house and do a little much needed maintenance.  Instead I sat around eating and watching TV all 3 days.  Thankfully there was a need to be back at work early and I didn't spend the 4th day as such.

I went to "the meeting" what I call going to church.  For cryin' out loud for this audience (such that it is,) why don't I just say "I went to church?".  Ok, so, I went to church this week.  It was not any special meeting just the typical mid week service.  I resist going because everyone is so happy and cheerful.  The congregation censured me earlier imposing restrictions on my activity therein for the last 7 or 8 years so I can go but am not supposed to engage in certain of the activities.

I don't fit in there (really I don't fit in anywhere,) and my attendance is usually coming into the sanctuary with about 60 seconds prior to the meeting start.  I usually walk up the aisle next to the wall and sit on the far left side (as out of the way as possible.)  This time that aisle was clogged with people chatting happily amongst themselves.  so I had to walk up the more heavily populated (but wider so there was room to pass) left center aisle.  I passed the chief on my censorship committee and he did the customary "Hi, howyadoin' greeting"  I shook his hand but really wanted to just get past him.  I don't mind trying to make friends, it is just that these people just want make an appearance, a show of friendship.  It is supposed to be something more, but then, I am supposed to love God.  They aren't the problem, I am.  I was rightfully censured and probably should have been expelled.

I just hate what this is all about, but it is like having a tooth pulled.  You have to go through a whole lot of intense pain, but you are better off in the end.  I just feel like there is a ton of bricks (in actuality, it is the IRS) hanging over my head and ready to drop.  It might not be so bad if it fell all at once and I die not knowing what hit me.  But they (the bricks or the IRS depending on how literally you want to take this) will descend slowly.  I will see the pain and feel the crushing weight and watch/feel/smell the life being crushed out of me.

Decision Fatigue

So I heard/read an article recently that indicated that the brain can actually get tired of making decisions and as the fatigue sets in, the quality of our decisions decreases.  There are some perverse consequences.  The poor for example may experience decision fatigue while shopping and end their shopping trip with a stop by a fast-food restaurant.  The rich who go along filling their shopping carts without much of a second thought pass the (often in-store) restaurant looking down their noses at those poor people making such an unwise spending decision. If the tables were turned, however and those rich had just experienced the mental exercises of trying to get the most value from very limited funds, they may find themselves making the same or worse financial decisions.

I have long noticed (as I suppose many others have) that meetings in which I am an active participant are very tiring.  It used to be very exhausting until I grew accustomed to days with several meetings in each.

The research on the subject is clear and verified.  It is not my imagination.  It reminds me of the constant pressure from the "organization" to simplify my life.  I always figured that I could just handle it.  I know what the hell I'm doing.  I'm just more capable than the rest, so I thought.  In reality I am more stupid for not following that advice.  Each and every time I think I know better I am proved so totally freaking wrong.  What an idiot I have come to realize that I have been all these years.

Big sigh, so what else is new.  I remember feeling the crushing weight of the realization of my mistakes a few years ago, Was it 5, 7, 3 years ago?  I don't really remember.  I do recall that deep and burning shame, anger (with myself) and deep disappointment when I understood that I had totally wasted my life, that now I am old and the doors are almost all closed.  It still hurts, though living with that disappointment for years now, I feel the pain less acutely than then.  It is there though.  What a screw-up I am.

I keep hoping that something will break loose one day.  And it doesn't.  So I just carry on day by day.  Things are all to shit and I don't see a way out of it.  The ultimate solution seems logical from tactical viewpoint.  Strategically I know it doesn't make sense.  Oh yes and it's wrong.  So I just carry on day by day.

Music

So, I have to listen to music all the time now.  I can't work without it.  It seems as though the music quells some region in my brain that interferes with my ability to focus on any given task.  It seems almost like I have ADD (from an uneducated layman's perspective.)  Basically I think of a task and then think of a dozen other things that are tangentially related to that task (or to a task tangential to the original.)  It usually takes a good bit of time to organize all the tasks I think I need to do and then pull out one focus on that and get it done. 

When music is playing in the background (as it is now) I seem to be able to focus and carry out what I need to do.  Symphonic Goth Metal is my genre of choice.  Epica, Evanescence and Within Temptation are all my favorites.  I was even looking into flying to Europe for the release event of the latest Epica album.  Fortunately it only took several minutes to come to my senses and stop.  There are still dendrils (for you Asimov fans) pointing in that direction.

I go back and forth closer and farther from the ultimate solution.  Right now it seems to be receding from thoughts but with a solution nowhere close and continued frustration about my unwillingness to return to God, I know it is never far from consciousness.  I stop several times a day to grasp my head and emote over my desperation.  But there seems to be nothing I am capable of doing.  Professional help is just so expensive.  And I desperately hate insurance companies.

Physical Mental Spiritual

I have a diet in place now.  I don't know how long it will last.  The last time I got this far it ended up lasting for several months. I broke it over Thanksgiving.  I just couldn't sit around the house and not eat.

A new gym room will be available soon. Interested to see if I take advantage of it.  I really had a good thing going when I exercised before in the mornings, but that went by the wayside when my job got crazy.  That was 8 years ago. I look at myself in the mirror now and I am totally embarrassed by what I see.  Beyond the physical I am a mental and spiritual mess. 

I have to conclude that I am not fit for the organization God is using for his servants on earth.  I haven't managed to squash that small flame of hope that maybe one day some way some how I'll get myself turned around and headed in the right direction. I really think that, given enough time that may happen again, and possibly again, and still again.  The trouble is that is keeps happening, because I keep failing.  And each time the amount of time between the last and next try is exteneded.

The time that I am serious gets shorter such that no one even notices the blips on the radar.  They are just lost in the noise.  I really don't know what to do anymore.  I feel like I have been falling a very long way and now I can make out the people on the ground and know the general place I will impact.  There are specific regions on which I might land that have a lot of variability, but a lot of variability is gone.  I probably won't die of a drug overdose or in a knife fight.  But I may off myself with pills.  I won't be overcome with options of the rich and famous  and die crashing my Ferrari, but I might find my end inhaling helium.

I am having trouble focusing again.  I can't work anymore.  I just sit overwhelmed by the tasks in front of me.  I want to retreat into my shell.  I just can't take this anymore.

IHMS IHMS ISFHMS

I laid down to go to bed early tonight.  It is a bad weekend.  I decided to get some exercise this weekend rather than the usual sit-around-and-watch-TV Saturday and Sunday.  So I walked into town (about 5 miles) with the intent of having a coffee at the local shoppe.  The place was so crowded that I walked in took a look around and then walked back out.  I did get a box of office supplies as I intended and then turned around and walked back home.  So it ended up being a 10 mile hike but I wasn't up to that and over did it.  It left me over tired and sore and then on Sunday I just didn't fire up the moxie to get to the meeting.  And again, I fail to do God's will.  So I'll try again Tuesday, but I know I'll probably fail there again.  I just cannot seem to do God's will but I would if I just would.  God doesn't put hurdles too high for us to overcome.  He would open his arms and welcome me back to the fold if I would just do what he asks.

Is it someone else's fault?  Well I seem to want it to be; but it isn't.  Of course there are a whole host of people that share in the blame.  But one thing I can be absolutely sure of, is that God didn't put anything in front of me that I couldn't handle.  I could have; should have handled it all; with his help of course.  But instead of turning to him in prayer and sincerely asking for his help, and then following up with actions that demonstrated the fact that I was willing to follow his instructions I failed in one or both of these tasks; and a whole host of other things to numerous to mention.

I talk to the "brothers" about this occasionally whenever the CO is about show up and they want to prove that they are trying to help the lost souls that were once associated with the congregation.  Of course the fact that they only reach out when he comes a callin' makes me believe that their assistance is not sincere.  And I have no friends.  No one at all.  the "brothers" took DC away.  That was a good move since there is no way I could have kept seeing her and not ended up copulating.  I am just glad that happened.  I would have really messed things up.  It just seems so unfair.  I really tried to stay with the organization.  I went to meetings.  I admitted my mistakes when they happened.  As a result I get kicked in the teeth and pushed to the curb.

I still have this image from the last time I attended the meeting.  I stopped looking at people because they continually look away.  I did this last time.  I saw this woman with an extremely pained look on her face.  Eyes closed and head shifted away.  It is like she just didn't want to see me.  One day I went to the meeting when the topic of the discussion was welcoming one another at the meetings (and other places.)  I think 4 women said "hi" and one was really nice about it.  She walked over from the other side of the sanctuary, spoke and shook my hand.  That was really nice of her.

No men speak to me.  They just keep their distance and pretend like I am not there.  It is crystal clear watching it happening.  I didn't think it would mess with my head so much, but it is not too much for me to overcome with God's help.

So I am really glad that DC got the waive-off.  I am not around to ruin her life.  Unfortunately that leaves me with absolutely no one.  Yes there is family, but they put me on a pedestal that is just too painful to endure.   So I sit at home almost every weekend.  With way too much to do, but with the prospect of being along all weekend which is simply debilitating.   So I watch TV, nearly the whole time.  I don't like what I watch but I can't seem to do any better.  My place is a real mess.  Totally disorganized and a really freaking mess, but I simply refuse to fix this.  I hate myself for not fixing it, for not getting the help I need, for screwing up virtually every aspect of my life.  And I know, as well as one can in my state, that the end of this is death at God's hand.  He will not let me into his organization.  And why should he?  I have chosen not to do his will or to obey his laws again, and again, ad infinitum.

I suppose the right thing to do is to talk to the "brothers."  I have done this so many times before.  I don't know what to say to them.  So many times I tell my story and they say words that just don't help.  I am convinced they are doing enough.  If God meant for them to do more they would have, and if they refused the stones would cry out, (in a manner of speaking.)  So that just leaves me.  I am the bad person here, the one that needs to be cleared away.  I need to wipe my existence from the face of this earth.  I have my plan.  I know what to do.  I just don't have the fortitude to carry it out.

I am such a coward.  I hate myself.  I so much want the pain to go away, but there are no "angels" who handle this kind of thing in the way they once may have done so in the Bible.  Yes they do exist but whey are there for God's true servants.  The ones that may really need his help.  Me, I am just ridiculous.  I hate myself so very much.  And so, apparently, do most other people.

Occasionally days like today come along, when the pain is so deep I can feel it like a smoldering burning in my chest.  I can't move or function.  It makes my chest heavy and I almost feel like it is hard to breathe.  I try to think of alternatives, other things I could do to fix this situation, and I come up with nothing.  Everything I think of is too hard, or just wrong, or just wouldn't help anything at all.  Now I think my chances are well under 50:50.  I imaging I have a 25% chance of surviving Armageddon.  Honestly, that's probably way too high.

I could see hanging out in this world if I was having fun.  If there was something to look forward to.  But the world hurts me.  It kicks me in the head, it slaps me in the face and kicks me around like I was a soccer ball.  At times it seems like I am being toyed with and laughed at.  It hurts like hell and yet I keep coming back for more.  Why I don't go running back to God is just too difficult for me to fathom.  I just feel like a blithering idiot.  God and true happiness, this world and deep, intense pain.  I can't fix this.  Only God can, and I am too stupid to ask him.  And on those few occasions when I do ask, I won't follow through on what he wants me to do.