The Trap

Well, the kid moved  back in this weekend.  The drama was mild but certainly there.  Her insurance is almost cancelled on her car and I don't want her driving it around.  She agreed.  And then when she left for work today, she drove off in her uninsured car.

God loves me but I don't recognize my perception of it very poignantly now.  I feel like I am still an enemy of God, as I was labeled by my censuring committee.  I keep repeating the God will kill me soon.  And why not.  I know what he wants and I refuse to do it.  I don't tell others about his expectations and the benefits of ceding to them.  I don't like being with his people.

I went to the first "Sunday" service in months and it felt good because I wasn't surrounded by the congregation about which I would ordinarily be.  It felt much better.  Less stressful.  Anyway it is an awful time I am going into now.  I hate what I am presented with and I wish I could just end it all.  The final solution is looking pretty good now.  It isn't like I am really suffering much.  I am a typical spoiled american.  I am not hungry, my family wasn't killed by rebels in front of my own eyes.  I am now aware of any horrid disease that will leave me crippled and/or without sound mind.  I am simply  distressed about my abject refusal to serve God.  Why would I be this way.  I know Jehovah God to be a good and loving individual.  But the standards he sets are so very high, it seems impossible for me to reach them.  It isn't though, with his help even I could (presuming there is enough time to do so.)  Apparently, I just don't want it.

I seem to want what Satan offers more:  the "temporary enjoyment of sin."  I feel I am missing something by not having some of that sin.  But the more I have indulged in the sin the more bitter my life, and the more sin I want.  I see the trap, I examine the fine quality of its construction, I see (at least at some level) how it works.  I know the way out and yet I am still captured thereby.  This is one fine device.  When the victim can see it, figure it out, understand its workings and yet I remain clutched.