I have a diet in place now. I don't know how long it will last. The last time I got this far it ended up lasting for several months. I broke it over Thanksgiving. I just couldn't sit around the house and not eat.
A new gym room will be available soon. Interested to see if I take advantage of it. I really had a good thing going when I exercised before in the mornings, but that went by the wayside when my job got crazy. That was 8 years ago. I look at myself in the mirror now and I am totally embarrassed by what I see. Beyond the physical I am a mental and spiritual mess.
I have to conclude that I am not fit for the organization God is using for his servants on earth. I haven't managed to squash that small flame of hope that maybe one day some way some how I'll get myself turned around and headed in the right direction. I really think that, given enough time that may happen again, and possibly again, and still again. The trouble is that is keeps happening, because I keep failing. And each time the amount of time between the last and next try is exteneded.
The time that I am serious gets shorter such that no one even notices the blips on the radar. They are just lost in the noise. I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have been falling a very long way and now I can make out the people on the ground and know the general place I will impact. There are specific regions on which I might land that have a lot of variability, but a lot of variability is gone. I probably won't die of a drug overdose or in a knife fight. But I may off myself with pills. I won't be overcome with options of the rich and famous and die crashing my Ferrari, but I might find my end inhaling helium.
I am having trouble focusing again. I can't work anymore. I just sit overwhelmed by the tasks in front of me. I want to retreat into my shell. I just can't take this anymore.
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