So, I have to listen to music all the time now. I can't work without it. It seems as though the music quells some region in my brain that interferes with my ability to focus on any given task. It seems almost like I have ADD (from an uneducated layman's perspective.) Basically I think of a task and then think of a dozen other things that are tangentially related to that task (or to a task tangential to the original.) It usually takes a good bit of time to organize all the tasks I think I need to do and then pull out one focus on that and get it done.
When music is playing in the background (as it is now) I seem to be able to focus and carry out what I need to do. Symphonic Goth Metal is my genre of choice. Epica, Evanescence and Within Temptation are all my favorites. I was even looking into flying to Europe for the release event of the latest Epica album. Fortunately it only took several minutes to come to my senses and stop. There are still dendrils (for you Asimov fans) pointing in that direction.
I go back and forth closer and farther from the ultimate solution. Right now it seems to be receding from thoughts but with a solution nowhere close and continued frustration about my unwillingness to return to God, I know it is never far from consciousness. I stop several times a day to grasp my head and emote over my desperation. But there seems to be nothing I am capable of doing. Professional help is just so expensive. And I desperately hate insurance companies.
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