I laid down to go to bed early tonight. It is a bad weekend. I decided to get some exercise this weekend rather than the usual sit-around-and-watch-TV Saturday and Sunday. So I walked into town (about 5 miles) with the intent of having a coffee at the local shoppe. The place was so crowded that I walked in took a look around and then walked back out. I did get a box of office supplies as I intended and then turned around and walked back home. So it ended up being a 10 mile hike but I wasn't up to that and over did it. It left me over tired and sore and then on Sunday I just didn't fire up the moxie to get to the meeting. And again, I fail to do God's will. So I'll try again Tuesday, but I know I'll probably fail there again. I just cannot seem to do God's will but I would if I just would. God doesn't put hurdles too high for us to overcome. He would open his arms and welcome me back to the fold if I would just do what he asks.
Is it someone else's fault? Well I seem to want it to be; but it isn't. Of course there are a whole host of people that share in the blame. But one thing I can be absolutely sure of, is that God didn't put anything in front of me that I couldn't handle. I could have; should have handled it all; with his help of course. But instead of turning to him in prayer and sincerely asking for his help, and then following up with actions that demonstrated the fact that I was willing to follow his instructions I failed in one or both of these tasks; and a whole host of other things to numerous to mention.
I talk to the "brothers" about this occasionally whenever the CO is about show up and they want to prove that they are trying to help the lost souls that were once associated with the congregation. Of course the fact that they only reach out when he comes a callin' makes me believe that their assistance is not sincere. And I have no friends. No one at all. the "brothers" took DC away. That was a good move since there is no way I could have kept seeing her and not ended up copulating. I am just glad that happened. I would have really messed things up. It just seems so unfair. I really tried to stay with the organization. I went to meetings. I admitted my mistakes when they happened. As a result I get kicked in the teeth and pushed to the curb.
I still have this image from the last time I attended the meeting. I stopped looking at people because they continually look away. I did this last time. I saw this woman with an extremely pained look on her face. Eyes closed and head shifted away. It is like she just didn't want to see me. One day I went to the meeting when the topic of the discussion was welcoming one another at the meetings (and other places.) I think 4 women said "hi" and one was really nice about it. She walked over from the other side of the sanctuary, spoke and shook my hand. That was really nice of her.
No men speak to me. They just keep their distance and pretend like I am not there. It is crystal clear watching it happening. I didn't think it would mess with my head so much, but it is not too much for me to overcome with God's help.
So I am really glad that DC got the waive-off. I am not around to ruin her life. Unfortunately that leaves me with absolutely no one. Yes there is family, but they put me on a pedestal that is just too painful to endure. So I sit at home almost every weekend. With way too much to do, but with the prospect of being along all weekend which is simply debilitating. So I watch TV, nearly the whole time. I don't like what I watch but I can't seem to do any better. My place is a real mess. Totally disorganized and a really freaking mess, but I simply refuse to fix this. I hate myself for not fixing it, for not getting the help I need, for screwing up virtually every aspect of my life. And I know, as well as one can in my state, that the end of this is death at God's hand. He will not let me into his organization. And why should he? I have chosen not to do his will or to obey his laws again, and again, ad infinitum.
I suppose the right thing to do is to talk to the "brothers." I have done this so many times before. I don't know what to say to them. So many times I tell my story and they say words that just don't help. I am convinced they are doing enough. If God meant for them to do more they would have, and if they refused the stones would cry out, (in a manner of speaking.) So that just leaves me. I am the bad person here, the one that needs to be cleared away. I need to wipe my existence from the face of this earth. I have my plan. I know what to do. I just don't have the fortitude to carry it out.
I am such a coward. I hate myself. I so much want the pain to go away, but there are no "angels" who handle this kind of thing in the way they once may have done so in the Bible. Yes they do exist but whey are there for God's true servants. The ones that may really need his help. Me, I am just ridiculous. I hate myself so very much. And so, apparently, do most other people.
Occasionally days like today come along, when the pain is so deep I can feel it like a smoldering burning in my chest. I can't move or function. It makes my chest heavy and I almost feel like it is hard to breathe. I try to think of alternatives, other things I could do to fix this situation, and I come up with nothing. Everything I think of is too hard, or just wrong, or just wouldn't help anything at all. Now I think my chances are well under 50:50. I imaging I have a 25% chance of surviving Armageddon. Honestly, that's probably way too high.
I could see hanging out in this world if I was having fun. If there was something to look forward to. But the world hurts me. It kicks me in the head, it slaps me in the face and kicks me around like I was a soccer ball. At times it seems like I am being toyed with and laughed at. It hurts like hell and yet I keep coming back for more. Why I don't go running back to God is just too difficult for me to fathom. I just feel like a blithering idiot. God and true happiness, this world and deep, intense pain. I can't fix this. Only God can, and I am too stupid to ask him. And on those few occasions when I do ask, I won't follow through on what he wants me to do.
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