I am feeling overwhelmed again. I visited my house and there is a huge volume of work needed there. I have a giant the IRS looming over my shoulder wanting hundreds of thousands of dollars from me. I just can't carry on. This hurts and the pain isn't going away. I am cut and damaged. There isn't a way out. I am suspicious any time I am feeling a little bit good, because I know it is only temporary. The truth of my awfulness will eventually come flooding back to my real and conscious mind. It just makes everything worse.
I want it to all end, but I can't make that happen. I am too much of a coward to take the final solution. I feel like I am being dragged behind a truck. fast enough to keep up with running, but too fast for me to be able to keep up the pace for much longer if at all. I stumble and misstep, while am not having the skin ripped from my body by asphalt, I just know it wont' be long before that happens.
How the image of nice things holds for more than a nanosecond in my mind is amazing. I just can't believe my mind even goes there. God, I hate what I have become. I wish I had never left you. But that option was closed 35 years ago. Shit, has it been that long? Actually, it has been a few years longer. When one of those famous deep space probes turned around and photographed the earth, it showed just how insignificant the globe is in the grand scheme of things. Now I think of myself on that globe and I realize that I am less than nothing. Just a molecule in a glass of water, in a little town, in the country, in the world, in the solar system, in the galaxy, galaxy cluster, known universe.
I don't want to be bad, I want to be good, but I can't seem to be successful, and it seems like it doesn't matter now. God moves on when individual servants fail him. He will not have his will paused by someone stupid like me, nor should he. God what can I do anymore. It seems like just nothing.
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