So, I wrote the last post a couple of weeks ago. This one is more of the same I guess. I am getting more involved with my ex-wife. We are dating again, not out of direct intent, it is just that I have no one else that seems to want to talk to me and she is willing so . . . I am not in love with her anymore. But she represents companionship where otherwise I have none. Hence the draw.
I understand, know (as well as one can, these things) that I should not see her anymore. But we consistently have to be together to deal with our children gone wild. And that interaction has led to further discussion and dating.
The additional contact has led me to see that she can be very nice, but that she still has an ugly side. Instead of saying what she wants she manipulates me to offer what she wants so that she doesn't have to ask. She wants to be her own self, make up her own mind and spend her own money, and she wants a sexual partner as well. All fine by me if I wasn't trying to be a good Christian. I don't think I will ever want to marry this woman again. However I am a lonely old fat man and I don't resist the temptation to see her.
I still spend every morning and evening reviewing why I hate myself. Of course when I review why God will kill me in the near future it validates my self hate. When I reflect on the fact that God has given me everything I need for a happy and wonderful life and I took what he provided and rejected it, I feel even more intense frustration and hate. And what puts me over the top is that all I need to do is turn back go God and he will forgive me and take me back (if it isn't already too late.) That just chaps me right past the limits of endurance. I really hate this.
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