Stuck

So I got this new computer.  It works mostly but the external monitor connection is broken.  Instead of the rush to fix, I am just taking it on the chin.  Oh well I say.  It works mostly.  I just can't fight the problems anymore.  My first thought, after denial, anger, depression, acceptance, is to buy another one.  Damn, what a sap I have become.  I truly hate what I am.

Oh well another crap day ahead.  I just have to suck it up and get urinated upon by the people in this job.  I truly hate it.  I just can't get out of the way or even raise a hand to block the stream. 

The woman wants me to come over this weekend.  I probably will.  Not because I enjoy the punishment of being with someone like that.  it is because I cannot stand the loneliness of being without anyone.  It is like eating food laced with poison.  After a while you just get so hungry, you know it is killing you but you do it anyway.  And, to keep the analogy alive, the perfectly healthy food is just sitting right there, ready for consumption.  However you eschew that banquet because it all tastes awful.  But there really isn't anything wrong with the food, it is just the witches brew I am drinking now makes healthy food taste awful. 

I just have to stiffen my resolve and start going to the meetings.  But then it's not "just."  It is an extremely difficult thing to do.  Being surrounded by people all happily chatting and having a wonderful time, while I sit there with no one willing to talk to me is just too difficult to manage.  I am the oil and the congregation is aqueous.  We don't mix.  Again it's my fault.  I truly hate myself.  I am fat, old and ugly.  I have bad teeth and red eyes.  I disgust myself.  I just can't keep this up.