So I did see the woman last weekend and spent all day Saturday there. Then she comes over on Sunday and says to me that the Brothers told her I shouldn't be seeing her at all. She's right, I never should have started. I wanted to reach out for some human companionship and that was my outlet. Not it's gone. No Humans Allowed for me; I suppose it would be ok to communicate with aliens.
It is getting bad now. I don't know why I am thinking about my problems all the time; the cloud is coming back. I hate myself.
I went to the meeting last night. It was as bad as I remember. People look down and away when I walk past or they pretend they don't see me. I have to do something different but I don't know what to do. Maybe if I could figure out how to use them to get what I need. Like a study partner to bounce ideas around. It would be easier and simpler if I just ended it all. And the remaining world would be a better place. I mean really who am I kidding, certainly not God. I'm never going to get this right. And even if I did for some period of time, it won't last long before I stumble over some minor or major issue Satan throws in my path. She needn't even be all that pretty. Hell, she needn't be real.
It won't be long before the self hate is waking me up at night. I look forward to sleep where I can "forget about life for a while." I plunge myself into work so I don't have to think about my crap life. Not that life is crap, it can be wonderful. It is just that what I made of my life is crap.
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