Physical Mental Spiritual

I have a diet in place now.  I don't know how long it will last.  The last time I got this far it ended up lasting for several months. I broke it over Thanksgiving.  I just couldn't sit around the house and not eat.

A new gym room will be available soon. Interested to see if I take advantage of it.  I really had a good thing going when I exercised before in the mornings, but that went by the wayside when my job got crazy.  That was 8 years ago. I look at myself in the mirror now and I am totally embarrassed by what I see.  Beyond the physical I am a mental and spiritual mess. 

I have to conclude that I am not fit for the organization God is using for his servants on earth.  I haven't managed to squash that small flame of hope that maybe one day some way some how I'll get myself turned around and headed in the right direction. I really think that, given enough time that may happen again, and possibly again, and still again.  The trouble is that is keeps happening, because I keep failing.  And each time the amount of time between the last and next try is exteneded.

The time that I am serious gets shorter such that no one even notices the blips on the radar.  They are just lost in the noise.  I really don't know what to do anymore.  I feel like I have been falling a very long way and now I can make out the people on the ground and know the general place I will impact.  There are specific regions on which I might land that have a lot of variability, but a lot of variability is gone.  I probably won't die of a drug overdose or in a knife fight.  But I may off myself with pills.  I won't be overcome with options of the rich and famous  and die crashing my Ferrari, but I might find my end inhaling helium.

I am having trouble focusing again.  I can't work anymore.  I just sit overwhelmed by the tasks in front of me.  I want to retreat into my shell.  I just can't take this anymore.

IHMS IHMS ISFHMS

I laid down to go to bed early tonight.  It is a bad weekend.  I decided to get some exercise this weekend rather than the usual sit-around-and-watch-TV Saturday and Sunday.  So I walked into town (about 5 miles) with the intent of having a coffee at the local shoppe.  The place was so crowded that I walked in took a look around and then walked back out.  I did get a box of office supplies as I intended and then turned around and walked back home.  So it ended up being a 10 mile hike but I wasn't up to that and over did it.  It left me over tired and sore and then on Sunday I just didn't fire up the moxie to get to the meeting.  And again, I fail to do God's will.  So I'll try again Tuesday, but I know I'll probably fail there again.  I just cannot seem to do God's will but I would if I just would.  God doesn't put hurdles too high for us to overcome.  He would open his arms and welcome me back to the fold if I would just do what he asks.

Is it someone else's fault?  Well I seem to want it to be; but it isn't.  Of course there are a whole host of people that share in the blame.  But one thing I can be absolutely sure of, is that God didn't put anything in front of me that I couldn't handle.  I could have; should have handled it all; with his help of course.  But instead of turning to him in prayer and sincerely asking for his help, and then following up with actions that demonstrated the fact that I was willing to follow his instructions I failed in one or both of these tasks; and a whole host of other things to numerous to mention.

I talk to the "brothers" about this occasionally whenever the CO is about show up and they want to prove that they are trying to help the lost souls that were once associated with the congregation.  Of course the fact that they only reach out when he comes a callin' makes me believe that their assistance is not sincere.  And I have no friends.  No one at all.  the "brothers" took DC away.  That was a good move since there is no way I could have kept seeing her and not ended up copulating.  I am just glad that happened.  I would have really messed things up.  It just seems so unfair.  I really tried to stay with the organization.  I went to meetings.  I admitted my mistakes when they happened.  As a result I get kicked in the teeth and pushed to the curb.

I still have this image from the last time I attended the meeting.  I stopped looking at people because they continually look away.  I did this last time.  I saw this woman with an extremely pained look on her face.  Eyes closed and head shifted away.  It is like she just didn't want to see me.  One day I went to the meeting when the topic of the discussion was welcoming one another at the meetings (and other places.)  I think 4 women said "hi" and one was really nice about it.  She walked over from the other side of the sanctuary, spoke and shook my hand.  That was really nice of her.

No men speak to me.  They just keep their distance and pretend like I am not there.  It is crystal clear watching it happening.  I didn't think it would mess with my head so much, but it is not too much for me to overcome with God's help.

So I am really glad that DC got the waive-off.  I am not around to ruin her life.  Unfortunately that leaves me with absolutely no one.  Yes there is family, but they put me on a pedestal that is just too painful to endure.   So I sit at home almost every weekend.  With way too much to do, but with the prospect of being along all weekend which is simply debilitating.   So I watch TV, nearly the whole time.  I don't like what I watch but I can't seem to do any better.  My place is a real mess.  Totally disorganized and a really freaking mess, but I simply refuse to fix this.  I hate myself for not fixing it, for not getting the help I need, for screwing up virtually every aspect of my life.  And I know, as well as one can in my state, that the end of this is death at God's hand.  He will not let me into his organization.  And why should he?  I have chosen not to do his will or to obey his laws again, and again, ad infinitum.

I suppose the right thing to do is to talk to the "brothers."  I have done this so many times before.  I don't know what to say to them.  So many times I tell my story and they say words that just don't help.  I am convinced they are doing enough.  If God meant for them to do more they would have, and if they refused the stones would cry out, (in a manner of speaking.)  So that just leaves me.  I am the bad person here, the one that needs to be cleared away.  I need to wipe my existence from the face of this earth.  I have my plan.  I know what to do.  I just don't have the fortitude to carry it out.

I am such a coward.  I hate myself.  I so much want the pain to go away, but there are no "angels" who handle this kind of thing in the way they once may have done so in the Bible.  Yes they do exist but whey are there for God's true servants.  The ones that may really need his help.  Me, I am just ridiculous.  I hate myself so very much.  And so, apparently, do most other people.

Occasionally days like today come along, when the pain is so deep I can feel it like a smoldering burning in my chest.  I can't move or function.  It makes my chest heavy and I almost feel like it is hard to breathe.  I try to think of alternatives, other things I could do to fix this situation, and I come up with nothing.  Everything I think of is too hard, or just wrong, or just wouldn't help anything at all.  Now I think my chances are well under 50:50.  I imaging I have a 25% chance of surviving Armageddon.  Honestly, that's probably way too high.

I could see hanging out in this world if I was having fun.  If there was something to look forward to.  But the world hurts me.  It kicks me in the head, it slaps me in the face and kicks me around like I was a soccer ball.  At times it seems like I am being toyed with and laughed at.  It hurts like hell and yet I keep coming back for more.  Why I don't go running back to God is just too difficult for me to fathom.  I just feel like a blithering idiot.  God and true happiness, this world and deep, intense pain.  I can't fix this.  Only God can, and I am too stupid to ask him.  And on those few occasions when I do ask, I won't follow through on what he wants me to do.

Too Much To Overcome

I am feeling overwhelmed again.  I visited my house and there is a huge volume of work needed there.  I have a giant the IRS looming over my shoulder wanting hundreds of thousands of dollars from me.  I just can't carry on.  This hurts and the pain isn't going away.  I am cut and damaged.  There isn't a way out.  I am suspicious any time I am feeling a little bit good, because I know it is only temporary.  The truth of my awfulness will eventually come flooding back to my real and conscious mind.  It just makes everything worse.

I want it to all end, but I can't make that happen.  I am too much of a coward to take the final solution.  I feel like I am being dragged behind a truck.  fast enough to keep up with running, but too fast for me to be able to keep up the pace for much longer if at all.  I stumble and misstep, while am not having the skin ripped from my body by asphalt, I just know it wont' be long before that happens.

How the image of nice things holds for more than a nanosecond in my mind is amazing.  I just can't believe my mind even goes there.  God, I hate what I have become.  I wish I had never left you.  But that option was closed 35 years ago.  Shit, has it been that long?  Actually, it has been a few years longer.  When one of those famous deep space probes turned around and photographed the earth, it showed just how insignificant the globe is in the grand scheme of things.  Now I think of myself on that globe and I realize that I am less than nothing.  Just a molecule in a glass of water, in a little town, in the country, in the world, in the solar system, in the galaxy, galaxy cluster, known universe.

I don't want to be bad, I want to be good, but I can't seem to be successful, and it seems like it doesn't matter now.  God moves on when individual servants fail him.  He will not have his will paused by someone stupid like me, nor should he.  God what can I do anymore.  It seems like just nothing.

Human Interaction

So I did see the woman last weekend and spent all day Saturday there.  Then she comes over on Sunday and says to me that the Brothers told her I shouldn't be seeing her at all.  She's right, I never should have started.  I wanted to reach out for some human companionship and that was my outlet.  Not it's gone.  No Humans Allowed for me; I suppose it would be ok to communicate with aliens.

It is getting bad now.  I don't know why I am thinking about my problems all the time; the cloud is coming back.  I hate myself.

I went to the meeting last night.  It was as bad as I remember.  People look down and away when I walk past or they pretend they don't see me.  I have to do something different but I don't know what to do.  Maybe if I could figure out how to use them to get what I need.  Like a study partner to bounce ideas around.  It would be easier and simpler if I just ended it all.  And the remaining world would be a better place.  I mean really who am I kidding, certainly not God.  I'm never going to get this right.  And even if I did for some period of time, it won't last long before I stumble over some minor or major issue Satan throws in my path.  She needn't even be all that pretty.  Hell, she needn't be real.

It won't be long before the self hate is waking me up at night.  I look forward to sleep where I can "forget about life for a while."  I plunge myself into work so I don't have to think about my crap life.  Not that life is crap, it can be wonderful.  It is just that what I made of my life is crap.

Stuck

So I got this new computer.  It works mostly but the external monitor connection is broken.  Instead of the rush to fix, I am just taking it on the chin.  Oh well I say.  It works mostly.  I just can't fight the problems anymore.  My first thought, after denial, anger, depression, acceptance, is to buy another one.  Damn, what a sap I have become.  I truly hate what I am.

Oh well another crap day ahead.  I just have to suck it up and get urinated upon by the people in this job.  I truly hate it.  I just can't get out of the way or even raise a hand to block the stream. 

The woman wants me to come over this weekend.  I probably will.  Not because I enjoy the punishment of being with someone like that.  it is because I cannot stand the loneliness of being without anyone.  It is like eating food laced with poison.  After a while you just get so hungry, you know it is killing you but you do it anyway.  And, to keep the analogy alive, the perfectly healthy food is just sitting right there, ready for consumption.  However you eschew that banquet because it all tastes awful.  But there really isn't anything wrong with the food, it is just the witches brew I am drinking now makes healthy food taste awful. 

I just have to stiffen my resolve and start going to the meetings.  But then it's not "just."  It is an extremely difficult thing to do.  Being surrounded by people all happily chatting and having a wonderful time, while I sit there with no one willing to talk to me is just too difficult to manage.  I am the oil and the congregation is aqueous.  We don't mix.  Again it's my fault.  I truly hate myself.  I am fat, old and ugly.  I have bad teeth and red eyes.  I disgust myself.  I just can't keep this up.

The Bitch is Back

So, I wrote the last post a couple of weeks ago.  This one is more of the same I guess.  I am getting more involved with my ex-wife.  We are dating again, not out of direct intent, it is just that I have no one else that seems to want to talk to me and she is willing so .  .  .  I am not in love with her anymore.  But she represents companionship where otherwise I have none.  Hence the draw. 

I understand, know (as well as one can, these things) that I should not see her anymore.  But we consistently have to be together to deal with our children gone wild.  And that interaction has led to further discussion and dating.

The additional contact has led me to see that she can be very nice, but that she still has an ugly side.  Instead of saying what she wants she manipulates me to offer what she wants so that she doesn't have to ask.  She wants to be her own self, make up her own mind and spend her own money, and she wants a sexual partner as well.  All fine by me if I wasn't trying to be a good Christian.  I don't think I will ever want to marry this woman again.  However I am a lonely old fat man and I don't resist the temptation to see her.

I still spend every morning and evening reviewing why I hate myself.  Of course when I review why God will kill me in the near future it validates my self hate.  When I reflect on the fact that God has given me everything I need for a happy and wonderful life and I took what he provided and rejected it, I feel even more intense frustration and hate.  And what puts me over the top is that all I need to do is turn back go God and he will forgive me and take me back (if it isn't already too late.)  That just chaps me right past the limits of endurance.  I really hate this.

One Step Forward . . .

Sliding back into the muck of depression isn't a pretty thing to watch.  You struggle, rationalize, watch mistakes happening feeling powerless to stop them.  Now I am watching my body stretch into grotesque shapes as I see the results of my attempts to calm my mind with food.  The words of others just seem like infantile babbling.  I reach to the old stand-by for solving problems; I try to think them through.  It just accelerates the downward spiral as I see the interconnects that make the issues seem so intractable.  I think of the mistakes I made in the past that have lead to such a miserable life.  It is not like I am a poor hungry child of warfare.  They can't help themselves.  More like a fat and spoiled brat addicted to money.

I think about the mistakes I made that led to bad decisions of my children and realize that I share huge responsibility for their demise.  All of them!  I am sick at heart, ugly to God and deserve nothing but death at his hand.  I listen to myself and Satan instead of that which few people have the chance to hear clearly,  What an idiot I am.

And I know it will get worse.  I am a coward and cannot stand the impending doom.  I am under shadow, I've lost the light.  I know where to run but feel paralyzed.  I can't move even though I know that I must be able to do so. I just watch for the first pressure wave.  And I know its going to hurt, a lot, until I am finally dead.  Dead at God's hand.  And yet I am so thoroughly trapped, I can't fix it.  I can't get out.  Even though I must be able to or it would be unfair.  And above all things mentioned thus far, God is not unfair.

How I hate this.  I want to bring the curtain down, but I keep thinking that there must be a solution.  There must be a way to motivate myself to do those things I have to do.  I am so ashamed.  So totally ashamed of who I am and what I have done with my life.