Groaning Metal as the Machine Threatens Coming to Life

 It has been a while since I last posted.  A lot has happened since then.  I have finally broken the logjam and can start working again.  I want to attribute this to God, but I don't understand why it took so long for this to happen.  It feels like nothing changed, just one day I could start working again.  My psychologist was relieved to hear that.

Now, again, I have fallen into the same pit that the Israelites did so regularly.  Now that the threat has passed, I went back to missing meetings at the KHall.  I attend remotely only about half of the time.  I recreated my profile on an SD/SB site, and I started perusing escort sites.  I tried to contact a half dozen or so.  Two responded with rates and availability.  I am still not quite ready to pull the trigger.  I found that asking if they offer Greek service tends to end the conversation.  The price remains sky high.  

Someone who is white and really very pretty is around 700 - 800 USD/hr.  Someone slim and pretty enough is about 600.  I found a new site, skipthefakes.com.  The women there are very cheap, relatively speaking.  They are 200 - 400 USD per hour.  One of the women there had reviews on TER.  Terrible reviews.  I don't have much experience at the lower levels in this service market; however, the more general rule seems to apply:  

"You don't get any more than what you pay for."  

And, of course, the corollary:  

"If you aren't careful, you won't even get that."

I have lost so much vacation time.  Now that I can work again, I worked thoroughly through the 2 weeks of vacation that I had around Thanksgiving.  I am also spending a few hours working around the Xmas holidays.  

All in all, it isn't unfair.  I spent so much time trying and failing to work that working over my vacation feels like giving back a little of what I missed in the months prior.  

Again, spirituality is in the toilet.  I stopped reading the Bible and commentary every day.  I will try to get going on that again.  So far, I've got nothing done on moving to Forest Hill.  I have spent countless hours watching TV.  These shows are consuming me:

1. The Diplomat
2. Homeland
3. Landman
4. Yellowstone
5. Orphan Black
6. Nashville (to a lesser extent)
7. Brockmeier (I can't resist anything starring Amanda Peet)

I just started trying to put all my troubles into MS Copilot.  It helps me to organize my thoughts.  It gave me a suggested path to completing the move.  Even coming from a machine, what it said about my overall situation was encouraging.

It's becoming increasingly apparent that my life is in shambles.  Nothing is going as well as it should. 

1. Physically (I'm fat and out of shape & my body is failing)
2. Spiritually (don't get me started)
3. Financially (struggling to stave off disaster)
4. Mentally (just living life is tenuous)
5. Secular Career (I'm deeply ashamed of it. I regularly reflect on all the mistakes I've made.)

I need to see a dentist and can't generate the moxie to schedule an appointment.  I am ashamed of how I have let myself go.  I worry all the time about losing my job.  I don't have enough to retire, and the big mortgage I took on to facilitate my move to Forest Hill weighs heavily on my mind.

Politically, the country seems to be spiraling out of control.  I never imagined a sitting president could be so openly corrupt without accountability.  I'm sure it has always been that way to some extent; now it seems so blatant.  I now have an idea of how outright persecution of JWs is coming to the US.

Anyway, I need to do my bible reading now.

The Perfect Woman for Me

I've often wondered what the "must-have" requirements for a woman would be.  I believe now I have that list:

1. Kindhearted

2. Intelligent

3. Sex positive

4. Able to make an honest assessment of anything, including herself, and is willing to improve.

5. Takes care of herself spiritually, mentally, and physically

My current girlfriend has the first three but not the last two.  Felicity misses #4.  I imagine Sasha N does as well.

On a separate note:  

I am still struggling to get work done.  I pray about it constantly.  But every time I sit down to do work I literally look for distractions.  

I'm having a lot of trouble getting to my church services.  I can attend online but that isn't quite the same as visiting personally.  I feel like I am being played a bit.  I keep praying about it and doing my continual education routine (albeit minimal). But I just can't seem to get traction.

I know it is related to me returning to my old vomit, porn.  It is my old nemesis.  I even hired an escort (for legal services only) recently.  We just went to a restaurant and talked a little.  But talk about a way to choke off the HS.  Man, both of those things are it big time. 

The moral of the story is, if you want to be a good Christian, all you have to do is act like one in every phase of your life, all the time, with few mistakes.  That's all.

 It has been a very long time since the last post.  So much has happened.

1. I connected with someone on SecretBenefits, had sex with them and then nearly got kicked out of the congregation again.

2. Tried to break up with them, but found that they want to be a part of the congregation (so they said) and got them connected to a congregation in their area.

3. Found out that I had impregnated her (so she says) and decided to marry her.

4. Found out that she is not pregnant nor has she been recently (based on the ER doctor) when she got drunk and passed out in a shopping center parking lot and woke up the next day in the hospital.

5. Nearly had sex with her again.

6. Found and bought a house.,

7. Went out in FS for the first time in more than a decade, and then did it again 2 weeks later.

8. Flagged on continuing out in FS 'cause I couldn't stand it.

9. Took my "girlfriend" to a Convention, found out that she didn't make lunch as promised (but that was really no surprise.)

10.  Nearly had sex with her again that night. 

11.  Got way behind on a work project.

12.  Got work-latched again.

13.  Stopped taking all my anti-depressant medication. 

Latched Up

 

The term "latched" is one I use to indicate my ability to work is frozen.  It is the mental analog to physical paralyzed; I can get hardly anything done.  The few things I can do are very small bite size snippets of activity.  The physical isolation that comes from working at home makes it worse.  I used to rely on peer pressure to keep me going when these symptoms arise.  

I so hate the person I've grown up to be.  I have achieved no meaningful goals.  Family, professional, spiritual and financial lives are all embarrassingly meager.  I am so deeply ashamed of myself.  I have just come to accept the fact that I am a complete and total failure.  Oh, and I have no friends. 

I know that I am not a complete idiot.  I have done some very foolish things, but I am not that way all the time.  I just figure that there must be some way out of this quagmire.  It has something to do with God.  People I know who put his interests first in their lives are happy, not miserable like me.  They aren't materially rich but they sure are spiritually.  The lead happy lives (overall.)

As my work grinds down to an end, I am coming to another crossroad.  How do I handle retirement.  It feels really bad approaching that decision because so many pivotal decisions in my life have worked out so very poorly.  Again, I approach this milestone not knowing what to do.

For the near term I am turning to drugs.  I asked and was prescribed Prozac.  I can take it along with the current depression medication.  Maybe that will help a little.

I'll keep you posted.

Days Rolling By

 

I sent a meeting request to a provider this morning.  Of course, I know that is a mistake.  I just crave the company and attention.  I haven't been able to appropriately manage the grinding loneliness and rejection I feel.  At least with an escort you consistently get smiles, approval and no judgement.  Also, I get intelligent conversation with a person whose views and sexual interests are compatible with mine.

I need to fear displeasing God more than I do.  If I did, I would be so afraid of sinning against him I would not even look at the contact sites where I find these providers.

I asked for a meeting tomorrow evening.  In all honesty, I hope she responds negatively.  It is 1G for a 2-hour dinner meeting.  But I have no recent references, so maybe she will say no just because of that.  I just don't know what comes over me when I do something like that.  I remember thinking at the time I was about to click send, how much I wanted to connect with someone.  Even just the conversation leading up to the arrangement (or the decision not to meet) is worthwhile to me.

1 day later

Since I haven't heard anything from the escort in 30 hours (and since I don't anticipate any response in the next 6 hours) I feel confident that if she does respond I can use the old "I didn't hear from you so I made other arrangements" excuse.  That's a bit of a relief.  It would be better if I did not hear from her at all, then I would know I hadn't burned a bridge.  Of course, that bridge would be best burned in any case.

2 days later

I've heard nothing from the provider.  I sent her the "I haven't heard from you in 48 hours so the deal is off" letter yesterday.  I'm glad to save the money.  I wish I could say I'm glad because I am respecting God's moral standards.  I don't know if that is really true.  

I went to church to be there in person Saturday.  Surprise!  The meeting was virtual only.  I texted the small group cheese about getting notified when that happens in the future.  He apologized and added me to the distribution list.  Itt's my fault for not doing so earlier.

I talked with my Ex about our mentally ill son.  She is still blaming me for causing the problem.  I pointed out that her deciding to leave the marriage is how the whole problem started in the first place.  Of course she didn't acknowledge that.  I just can't believe she didn't figure that out for herself.  She just fixated on something I supposedly did wrong and she keeps telling me about how that affected our son.  It reminds me where my son gets the habit of looking for someone else to blame.  Apparently, the kid is way into Marijuana.  I know his wife uses regularly.  The Ex seems to think that my kid is using regularly as well. While for many people some occasional THC is not a big deal, the Ex seems to think this is significantly contributing to my kid's mental problems.

It seems as though talking about problems with my Kid really drains me mentally.  I was useless for the rest of the day after that conversation.  Of course, I have been pretty much useless on the weekends lately, so the symptom may not be related to the conversation.

I haven't completely given up hope for the Kid.  I must acknowledge that the probability of him surviving Ag seems diminished.  This is especially true now that I see him making very public statements against the cheese in the local church.  I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't make it.  Of course, I may never know as I wouldn't be surprised if I don't make it either.

I spoke long and hard with the elder I'm studying with about some of the challenges I am dealing with.  For the first time he acknowledged that I really spend the majority of my life solitarily. I'm glad someone finally realizes that.  He said he wants me to go with him to host a visiting speaker sometime in April.  We'll see if that pans out.  It is a long time away anyway.

Escorting We Will Go (Reprise)

 

When you see a cluster of blogs along the timeline you can be pretty sure that things are not going well for me.  This is another such case.  I have been feeling so ashamed and embarrassed lately.  My skills seem hopelessly out of date, and no one respects my input at work.  This makes me feel badly all the time.

I am back looking at escorts for some company now.  I know it is really very dangerous.  However they are nice to me and make me feel like more than I am.  It actually pumps up my self-worth after an engagement.

The downside is that it shows I don't respect God's willingness to take care of me in that respect.  History has shown that, escorts or not, I am severely lacking in the social interaction category.  Something is off about me.  

In any case, my situation just hurts.  It is very unpleasant. I pretty much don't like to be awake outside of working hours.    

My old nemesis porn is back with a vengeance also.  When I think of all the HS I blocked because of that habit, it starts to settle in why my life has been such a shambles.

At Least It's Almost Over

 

How do I change the trajectory of my life?  How do I make serving God more important than anything else?  The answer is some combination of study, meetings, prayer, service and association.  The big 5 incorporate all the key aspects.  Of course it all falls under love of God and love of neighbor.  However, the big 5 is what love looks like in action.

2 - 3 days later

It is becoming obvious that my depression symptoms are coming back stronger now.  Over the weekend my son posted on the church bulletin board about how badly the congregation has mistreated him.  What really appears to be happening is that he is not happy and he is looking for someone to blame.  Strike that, he finds someone to blame anywhere he looks.  Those trying to help get blamed.  So she posted her treatise blaming the church on a public review board.

That turned into a whole thing.  I read it as a cry for help, but when I reached out, she and her husband declined any offer for assistance.

This has brought home what a failure I have become.  No major area of my life has succeeded.  I feel badly all the time.  With the paralysis brought on by the depression, it seems like there is nothing I can do to fix this.

Super-Funk

 

Super-funk is how I'd describe myself today.  It isn't much different than most days.  I'm just coining a new word for it.  I'm still feeling bad all the time. There is no let-up there.  

Spiritually I'm circling the drain faster.  I'm watching porn again and missing most meetings.  Yesterday I watched just the last part of the Bbl study with the Wt.  So poor.  I'm gonna miss my study today.  

I am so enamored with women these days.  They look so pretty.  I long for their touch, kiss and more.  But only the pretty ones.  Those to whom I have no access without pecuniary resources.  

I sleep too much.  I am lazy almost all the time.  For some reason I don't think about self-harm as much as other times during which I have felt this despondent. Maybe I am finally internalizing what a bad idea that is.  In any case the prospect of surviving Armageddon seems more remote each week that goes by.

My son seems more and more like a lost cause.  He seems to be a victim of his own good looks and intelligence.  It has made him lazy and excessively dependent on others.  I wish I could help, but he doesn't want my help.  He just wants my money.  

I am crushed and useless in every way.  I just can't keep this up.  But then again, I've kept this, or something like it, up for more than 40 years.  It just keeps getting worse and more hopeless.  

I guess I'll just pray some more.