Let's Go! -- Ooops . . .

This

Or This

So I went ahead and did it.  I sent an email requesting  the schedule of a meeting with Avery.  She hasn't responded yet.  Within seconds of sending the email I began to regret it.  It is like me telling God, I know better, I am going to fix this my way.  I don't trust you to help me through my problems, you haven't done a good enough job, so now I'm taking over.

My God, how could I be so stupid!  Really??!!  Can I think that?  Well sure, and here's why:

I stopped going to church over a month ago.  I think I talked about that in a previous blog.  Things started to unravel by week 2.  Around then is when I started contacting Avery as has been well documented earlier.  Also I  found I wasn't on the nice upward swing I had been experiencing when I started going to church.  The depression improvement stopped and I am slipping back again. The feeling of loneliness is consuming me and I am desperate for attention.  Nonetheless, this is the first thing in a long, long time that I am anticipating with high interest. I will be short lived.

I need to find a way back to God.  But I know that if Avery responds to my email I will set up a meeting with her.  I am pining for friendship and affection.  Now, at least, I can put a dollar figure on how much I am willing to pay for feigned affection of a beautiful woman,  as much as $900 an hour.

I have to find a way to get re-involved with the congregation again.  This step I am about to take is diametrically opposed to that aim, however there is no way I can afford to keep a steady relationship with Avery.  She is a very smart business woman who has found a niche for her product, the company and attention of an intelligent and very attractive woman.  It is more than I can afford on a regular basis.

So the next step is to evaluate how to get back into the church.  The one thing that earns respect of them is knowledge of the bible.  I need to start studying again on a regular basis.  The other thing is the ability to teach others who want to know about the bible.  But that, implicitly goes back to bible knowledge.  So, I suppose that is the real key.  I have to study more.  I don't think I can keep this up.  I failed earlier and will do so again.  But hopefully, through all the setbacks, there will be an overall gain.  "Two steps forward, one step back" is still a net gain of one.  Better than zero and better still than negative one (less than zero - there ought to be a movie with that name.)

The biggest issue for me is talking to people there.  I have been ostracized and pushed into a corner.  I mix with them before and after church but it is as if I am invisible.  The overlooking of me has led to some hostility toward them, so now I don't want to talk to them and it shows on my face and in my demeanor.  My therapist says "Act as if."  That is so hard to do because to do  so I have to let down my guard and expose myself to their rejection.  I seem to have little in common with them, conversations, when they did talk to me, were often brief and with many awkward silences.  I don't seem to share their interests.  This has to be a very difficult decision I face, but face it I must or else  .  .  .