So I talked with my psychiatrist and he thinks I should do things like join a club be it a bike club, book club whatever. And also join a dating site. These things are needed to encourage me to become a more social person.
I am sure he is absolutely correct. It is nonetheless a challenging assignment. Most don't know the discomfort many feel when meeting a new group. But is is just something I have to do though it be at odds with the counsel I am getting from my church.
Why am I running from my church if as indicated previously, that is where I ultimately want to be. It is because of my experience with the congregation. When I moved here, early on I tried to make friends with people already therein. This proved difficult; one of the closest friends made earlier moved away. Other people that I wanted to befriend moved as well.
Being an introvert it didn't bother me too much. When my son came of an age where he could develop his own friends, he did this with alacrity. I encouraged him to talk with some adults, not just people his own age. He did so but after a while the adults just didn't seem as interested. In any case, he was natural and self assured in the social context. Eventually, people in the church began inviting him out but not including me. At first it was just "guys his own age parties" of which, of course, I wanted no part. Then the pool parties and other events came up with decidedly mixed age groups. He would find out without the word ever coming to my ear. I would drop him off at the party and pick him up later. Eventually people saw this and said (through my son) that I was invited too. In a single instance a host actually expressed this directly, however I doubted his sincerity as evidenced by the fact that he only did this after my son told him some of the comments I made about being uninvited. To this day, I don't think they really wanted me there.
Eventually my son moved out of my house and away from the area. Then things returned to normal, no one speaking to me at church. My God, it is awful. I go to church and there are all these people laughing and talking, having a wonderful time. Every once in a while someone will come over and say, "how's it goin?'" Really!!?? isn't it obvious? But I know enough to mute that response. I never say anything less positive than
"Fair." I learned much earlier on that people are fully uninterested in my problems or issues (other than to satisfy their curiosity) so I keep these things to myself.
I am trying to get back in good standing with the church. I was sanctioned (as mentioned earlier) and that has diminished my reputation among others. I began trying to make up for this. I spent 5 to 10 hours each week for about a year, studying my bible, reading the related publications and going to both weekly services. To no avail. Now I am just exhausted and have stopped going to church and studying altogether. I still believe that this is the denomination of this church I want to be a part of it since I think this is a truly valid way to serve God. No other denomination has these characteristics IMO. However I have become literally untouched by human hands, (except those of my own, of course.) It has gotten to the point where I don't want their friendship. I am positive this shows in my demeanor and so it reinforces the earlier decision of almost all members to not speak. Hell they don't even make eye contact anymore.
So I am looking outside the church for the caring human attention I so desperately need.
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