The battle is raging and so far I am sinking. Yes I made steady gains for many months but I am now loosing badly. I know exactly what it is. I want and need to get out of this social isolation. My plans from before (escort) are just unrealistic. The cost is extreme and the likelihood of success is small. It is interesting to see how my mind was working on this. I decide, No Way, Too Much, yet when I get an email from Avery, all of a sudden, in my mind, the concern goes away and I continue preparing to move forward with the rendezvous. She hasn't emailed me in a couple of days so I am feeling like this isn't going to happen. Last time I indicated that I couldn't make the original appointment and she is waiting for me to reschedule. I haven't though. If she doesn't email I probably will not, and vice versa It seems odd to leave such an important matter in someone else's hands. It is silly. I am out of my depth again. I need some guidance and structure. And yet, at the same time, I don't want it because I know what to do. I know what the best course is. I am simply choosing not to do God's will. It isn't ambiguous. It isn't fuzzy and hard to understand. I am just in a very vulnerable state having failed to do God's will.
And now I realize that it isn't just an issue hiring the escort, yes or know. This whole mental debate is dragging me down. As I think about and drive myself in that direction, I am tearing down the progress that I have made along the way. Even if I do resist and finally realize the folly of this thoughts with enough intensity and in time to avoid that act, I have still suffered. Much ground gained is now lost. And who knows, I might still loose. I might still see Avery. All it would take is one email.
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