I feel badly all the time now. I can't get myself motivated to do anything. I am thinking about going into DC to the Teaism restaurant at which I was planning to meet Avery. Of course there is the secret hope that this is a frequent haunt of hers and that I might get a glimpse of her. So I have begun to idolise Avery, to dream and fantasize about her. But my head knows that she is totally out of my league. While I may be able to exchange the cash for her time, it will not be a reasonable exchange. I will be the subordinate in that situation. She will see me as weak, less than her, undermatched. She may still be kind, however it would be out of pity. I can imagine her rolling her eyes on leaving with a "glad that's over with" cloud above her head.
What I need to do is to stand up and take charge of my life. Make the decisions I need to and stick with them. Do I really want to add an escort to my life? That's not the person I want to be, but it is who I am currently. How can I change? Always the same: Study, Meetings, Prayer and Service. Knowing it is one thing, saying it is almost the same. Doing it is the hardest challenge, especially in the face of a congregation apathetic to my needs.
Yet and still I can't blame them. It is still, (reasonably and scripturally) primarily my fault. God sets standards; they are correct and unassailable. He doesn't set the bar too high for humans to meet.
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