So here we go again. The constant and unrelenting struggle to do what God wants instead of doing what I want. I am such a selfish blackguard. Why won't I learn I can't play with fire and not get burned. I feel so alone and abandoned, I just have to reach out to someone, even at $900/hour. Yea so I convinced myself that I am really only doing this for enhancing my social skills. What a crock! I really just want to get as close as I can to a beautiful and available (by the hour/day) woman. Just the knowledge that I could have her is inspiring. However I couldn't keep it up for very long. It is just too costly. I could do so much with the money elsewhere. I could probably find a real life coach at 1/4 the price. And I would give them a higher probability of success, at n infinitely lower risk.
O for cryin' out loud this is a lousy predicament. I see no way out. Somehow the fulfillment of the basic need for touch and comfort has vanished from my life. A real life coach won't restore that. I just long to be close to, laugh with, hang out with someone who pretends to care. Even if I know this is a business arrangement and later she will go out with another guy richer, better looking and more powerful than me, and pretend to care about him. I could meet this woman and watch her call the whole thing off because she can't handle someone so pathetic.
So what, back to the church? There I must expose myself to summary rejection by others to get any attention. Watching everyone having a good time, wanting to be a part of it but having been rejected for so long. I have truly come to doubt the worth of my existence. OK so I am supposed to remember at this point that God sent his son Jesus to die on my behalf. Yea, I get that. He did die for all mankind to have the chance to take advantage. Yes, I had maybe still have that chance. However to take advantage of it you have to be drawn to God. You have to want to do his will. You have to love God. Those are the people that Jesus died for.
The miserable bastards such as myself can look forward to hell. We/I have turned our/my back on the opportunity to serve God well. I have repeated this pattern all my life. It is just that the flame is dying. Each time I get a little more distant. I know the end is near, certainly relatively speaking. At some point it is near literally speaking. Could be tonight, a few minutes from now or 10 years into the future. The signs are so broad and general, there is no way to determine the precise time, by design.
So I feel like I am just waiting to die.a lonely death panicked and terror stricken. I lived a life of sadness, rejection and failure. Yes I have succeeded in some small things but overall, none of the real goals I set out for myself have come to pass. They all have withered away and died due to my own neglect. Even the successes don't feel good at all. I truly hate what I have done with my life, and I feel powerless to change it. It's 6:30 and I am still sitting in my office at work. Trying to eek out a little more productivity for the company.
Nothing to look forward to tonight, nothing this weekend, or this month or year, or decade. The one thing I remain a little bit excited about is what you may ask dear reader? Contacting an escort and spending a fantastic some of money with a huge risk of failure and massive temptation that could snap my will like a dried twig. I can barely believe that I am falling for this, a clearly Satanic trap, yet again. How many times must I be broken before I just stop trying to figure things out for myself, truly throw my burden on God and move on with a life in his service. How to make that change? I know I have to do the formula: study, meetings prayer and service. I have known this for years.
I did just give it a good try. Last year I studied more hours about the bible than any previous year in my entire history. With what result? Being largely ignored by a very friendly congregation. Having 1 of 2 sanctions that have been around my neck for 7 years lifted. Feeling like an outcast. It is just too much. I cannot handle this load. I am so ashamed of myself because I know that God doesn't make the path too hard for humans to manage. So it has to be my fault! I am the one responsible for this shambles resulting from all the bad choices I made. It is me. I am a failure. I lost. To the best of my knowledge, I am despicable in God's eyes.
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