Well Wishing

I mentioned to my Dr. that I frequently think of suicide and she asks me on each visit if I am thinking about it more.  I answer honestly.  I always think about it and have been since High School.  I haven't done it yet so I probably won't any time soon.

That is still true but I can feel myself stepping closer to the edge.  I just can't get myself to go to the meetings these days.  Not even on Saturday when I wake up early enough and have plenty of time to get there, I just have not generated a strong enough desire to get ready and go.  So it is looking really hopeless these days.  I still have the boot print on my butt from being kicked out and I just always feel badly.  There isn't anything good that I enjoy.  It hurts to read the bible and study.  I do it sometimes anyway, but it hurts.  It hurts even more to watch the JW videos.  I largely stopped doing that because it hurts so much. 

I'm on new anti-depression medication.  It isn't working that well.  I can feel myself slipping even further into listlessness.  I do almost nothing every weekend now.  I feel like I have to stay on it a few weeks to give it a fair chance, but man, it just isn't going well after a week and a half.  It feels like nothing really.

I have a company "Thing" tomorrow. All day.  I hate those d*mn things.  But they are required, I'm supposed to have a good time, oh well .  .  .  Right now I'm trying to avoid seeing another escort this evening.  She is really pretty and is multi-lingual.  I've started a text dialog.  I'm trying to get myself to stop before going through with it.  Wouldn't that be such a slap in the face?  I'm supposed to go to a meeting tonight and instead I'm thinking about visiting an escort?  How did I ever get this low.  But here I am, down here at the bottom of this well.  And I can't get a purchase on the walls to climb out of it.  Even when I make it up a few meters I just fall back down again (and again, and again .  .  .).

Of course I pray about this, but not consistently and hard enough clearly.  And then I don't follow through with the things I should be doing, reading, studying and going to the meetings.  So I am still in this hole.  The escorts provide a measure of comfort down here.  But they are like chains that bind me to the bottom of this pit.  I have to let them go to have any hope of ever climbing out of here.

So I was just thinking of killing myself down here, again.  My situation is just so awful.  I truly hate the man I've grown up to become.  I keep thinking that I can change, but then I keep failing to do so.  So it all just seems so pointless.

God please help me.  Tell me what I should do.

Aisle Seat

It's kind of a weird afternoon.  The people who would otherwise be in my area have either moved away or they are working from home or they are not in the city.  So I am almost totally by myself here and I'm feeling the lonely.  I feel tired and sleepy even though I shouldn't be.  I got plenty of sleep last night.  But I'm doing that thing where if I stare to long at anything I zone out and start imagining conversations in my head that are so real I can almost hear the voices.  This is bad. 

My doc keeps asking if I am considering suicide.  I have let her know that it is  a constant thought which is at times more prevalent than others, but since I have been considering it for at least 45 years now, I think it is very unlikely that I'll follow through with it.  But days like today bring on the thoughts as I despair.  I don't serve God.  God destroys the wicked.  So I think God will destroy me.  It is just hard to imagine the scenario where by I return to God.  I am kicked out.  They entire executive team for the congregation has been replaced.  None of them know me nor to they seem at all concerned about finding out who I am on those few instances when I do show up at the meeting.

I read about reinstatement in the org book.  I need to do works befitting repentance (read go to meetings and study and pray) for several months, a year, or more.  Well first things first.  I need to get to the meetings consistently.  That will be hard enough.  I have begun to notice that when things happen badly at the meetings I don't want to return.  The last time I was there I got trapped in the row of seats by someone on the aisle who was talking to her friends for at least 20 mins before she moved on.  I usually sit against the wall and away from the aisle to be inconspicuous.  But given how it works out, I am thinking about going back to sitting on the aisle.  Of course I would have to fget to the meeting early, but that is not generally a problem.  It is getting to the meeting at all that is the problem.  Especially when there is a bad experience at the meeting such as being stuck sitting for so long. 

So I am considering just going rogue and sitting on the aisle.  Reading the text as I wait works well to kill the time available when coming in early to get a seat in the back on an aisle.  I'll try this next time. 

This is Getting Boring.

And so it starts again.  I actually made it through last month without seeing a provider.  There is one provider from long ago that will be in town this month.  Russian gal who wore a red dress.  Intensely pretty face and jamin' physique.  She's from SF so I am immediately worried about disease.  That has really put a chill on things.  OK I didn't have anything last time I checked but the reminder was enough to put a real fear into me.  I spent a moment reading about one disease that is pretty common in DC and it was really hideous reminder of the problems this kind of wantonness can incur.

I could just do dinner.  She seems pretty intelligent but, d*mn, that's a lot of money for a dinner.  But then again, I am so d*mn lonely these days.

So this is another just regular work day.  I am feeling really nervous.  Stressing out as I consider the technical aspects of my job for which I feel thoroughly unqualified.

Lately I have been praying more.  It really seems to help in some ways.  However, I think as a side effect of the Prozac, I will get really sleepy at various points during the day.  Usually when there is no outside stimulation my eyelids get super heavy.  My eyes seem to glass over like I have been awake for 20 hours or so.  My mind easily wanders to imagined scenarios.  I vividly imagine conversations between myself and others.  No, I don't hear voices per se.  But the conversations I imagine occupy my attention almost fully.  It is almost like they are really happening.  I stand at my desk at times.  It works for a little while.

I also noticed my hands are starting to shake.  I had that same experience a few years ago when I was on some similar medication.  Whatever - I'm just going to keep plowing ahead hoping that this works.  If not I'll ask to switch to Trintellix.

I have the assembly this Sunday.  My son is expecting to see me there which is a strong motivator for me to actually get myself up and over to the place.  I hope I do anyway.  It is what I should do.  D*mn, feeling sleepy again.

Break

So last night was OK.  Still having trouble staying asleep through the night.  Woke up again around midnight but was able to get back to sleep w/o too much trouble.  Prayed again this AM.  I'd like to make this a habit but, well I've wanted to do that for many years now.  I don't know why I started doing so recently.  I don't intend to stop but I have little hope of continuing for any significant length of time simply due to my history over the last 45 years or so.

Yesterday's commute was really long even though I left at about 5:00.  Didn't get home until about 7:00.  Got trapped in the garage at Whiele and then had to take the Greenway.  Not a habit I want to extend any further.  What the hell am I going to do.  I really just don't know.  I should definitely leave between 6:00 and 6:30.  Getting home late is really unsustainable.

Long Break

So the previous post was in the mid-November time frame.  It's 2020 already now.  Long time off over the holidays.  Didn't do anything spectacular.  I did find a new cuddler and so I cleaned my place up pretty well to avoid an overly negative first impression.  I've seen her twice now.  In both instances for 2 hours.  We start on the couch and then move to the BR.  This new Cuddlist really seems to enjoy the snuggling.  It is pretty nice.  Strictly platonic of course but she seems a natural at the art.  I have an O/N session this weekend scheduled.

I started praying about my life situation more recently.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I seem unable to do anything with my life and the walls are falling down all around me.  The thought of suicide continues to present itself and it continues to be a stupid option.  I can't think of anything else that will definitively end the pain in short order.  I know all would get better if I just do God's will.  But how can I do that when I can't even get  myself to go to the meeting?

Of course I am falling for my cuddlist, but I know beyond reasonable doubt that there is absolutely no chance of anything developing there.  She is a 20 something nice looking INTP.  A rare type but attractive and well formed.  Also, oh by the way, she doesn't do dudes.  So there's that. 

So I actually tried seriously to get to the meeting a few times recently; I just couldn't overcome the inertia.  There were no blockers, no sickness or alternative activity.  I just could not convince myself to get ready and go.  It's bad I know.  I don't understand why that happens.  I did read the text, Wt, and Bible today (2 chapters).  I am still supposed to watch about 10 min of JW TV this evening and read from my "Daniel" book, one more chapter.  I also listen to JW music in the shower now.  I figure it might subliminally turn my mind to good rather than evil.  I think that's really a thing now. 

God helped me break away from nrop recently.  About a month ago or so.  It's liberating not to be enslaved to that for a little while.  I don't know how long I'll last, but it will be nice for as long as I can hold out.  That stuff is really vile and nasty.  I am glad to be away from it for a while.  Of course I hope that this adjustment is permanent but then, it's me, and I trip easily. 

And Just More of the Same

Well, crap!  what now.

So, yet again, I have come to the conclusion that I am likely to die at Armageddon if not sooner.  I keep asking myself what I could could make or force myself to do to get off this wagon train and onto a new vehicle (God's Salvation Train -- much different than the "Gospel Train" of youthful melodies. To wit:  "The Gospel train is commin'  I hear it close at hand,  I hear the engines rumblin' and roarin' 'cross the land; So get on board, little children, get on board.  Get on board .  .  .  [I forget the rest])

But I digress.

I am in such sh*t right now.  I truly don't know what to do.  Quitting seems pointless but I am loosing motivation to do anything positive these days.  I have a 3 day weekend coming up.  I look forward to it in that I can spend more time resting.  I dread it a bit b/c without the structure of going to work, I spend my time watching TV, watching nrop and knifing up.  There doesn't seem to be anything I can do so stop this trend.

Maybe I can pick up something and just start learning it from scratch, like web development?

Or maybe Database work like with Cache or MongoDB

I went to the doctor for the first time in many months.  (Of course in the past there has been  decades between dr visits but now that I am old and decrepit several months is a long time.  I needed an STD screening.  At first the doc recommended just doing 2, clamidia and one other I forget.  But then I told her that I see adult entertainment providers (AEP's) and she is giving me a full battery of testing.  All the ones available.  She is also doing the labs to see if I can take the special anti hepres (I think) pill to reduce the chance of infection in the future.

No results yet though.  She does recommend retesting every 3 - 4 months.   I definately think that's a good idea if this level of sexual activity keeps up.

BREAK BREAK BREAK

So there is no significance to the fact that there are 3 (count 'em 3) "Break"s in the above line.  I just want it prominent that time has passed between this statement and the last.

So the Doc found no STD's which is a huge relief.  Not just b/c I'm not infected but also b/c I don't feel guilty about potentially passing something on to others.  Now I am really hesitant to engage in any more activity.  Of course that's a good thing but I doubt if that hesitation is enough to preclude activity into the future.  I am still feeling gratified by the last encounter.  I think about it often.  I like the how the provider behaved during the encounter.  She was unafraid of adjusting and changing to get the feeling she wanted.  She kept shifting from one position to another.  Of course I was totally enjoying myself.  But I don't want to think about that too much.  That was a singular experience in my mind.  Not one likely to be repeated again soon.

I am really struggling work-wise.  I see myself as barely qualified to do the work here.  I want to run away, but I need the job (actually the money the job pays.)  Today I feel unusually agitated.  I am not sure why.  It may be b/c my Doc put me on Prozac recently.  I remember one other time when I was on antidepressants (goose creek psycho center) the doc put me on an anti-anxiety medication.  I recall that was a pretty good combination.

Anyway I'm thinking I'll leave early today.  I don't know how to justify it though.  I just know I am really having trouble getting anything done now.

I got so sleepy yesterday afternoon.  I ended up leaving the office at 4:30.  So I feel bad about leaving early again today.  I know I get in early every day, but I really need the extra time just to put in a full day's work with all the issues I have going on.

The anxiety seems to be passing.  I can focus now a lot better than before.  Maybe it was a sugar rush from the wedding (shower) cake I ate right after lunch.  It had tons of icing.  But of course now I feel really sleepy again.  I wonder if this too is a side effect of Prozac.  This pill popping crap is for the birds, but what else can I do?  I am such a mess right now.

For the last few days I have particularly felt badly.  Focusing on the uselessness of the life I led and how I could have had a great life with lots of positive feedback if only I had chosen to serve God instead of serving myself.

I'm feeling a hot flash coming on now.  Crap!.


I have an assembly this weekend.  I'll go to the one that my son is attending so I'll see him.  Can't talk to him but (according to the latest information of which I am aware) it is OK to sit beside him. 

Another Few Days -- A Few More Disappointments

While I was on a lunch-time walk I was contemplating how introverts manage with minimal companionship.  Here is what I've seen:

1. Form tight bond to just one or two close friends
2. Get with Family and enjoy their company.  Includes:
1. Spouse
2. Siblings
3. Parents 
4. Cousins
3. Form tight associations with work colleagues
4. Get with people in the church
5. Other support groups.

I go down that list and answer no or not-available to each of these opportunities.

Yea I know, this is another poor-me post.  More sh*t about how bad I have it.  At least I'm not spending my days avoiding snipers and un-exploded ordinance.  Yea, that's pretty great that I don't have to deal with that.  I just can't shake the reality that with just a little bit better planning & execution, I never would have had to deal with any of this crap.  But nothing to do about that now and the only thing to do is carry forward.

Tinder is going to be the new death of me.  As I ramp up JW studying I am losing interest, but the potential to hang with women is too great for me to avoid.  Of course I could if I'd pray more, but I don't.  I guess I could have avoided most of the bad crap I've had to deal with if I would pray and obey.  But I don't.  Yea, altogether now:  IHMS. 

Good value provider in town this week.  So far I haven't succumbed to her charms (her advertisements.)  Actually I think I will avoid her b/c she is a very good value and those tend to book up pretty completely.

Had an ess eee cross dream last night.  It was pretty interesting.  This was with a very pretty blonde that I seemed to have an LTR with.  We were lying in bed and she was asleep.  I came along wanting to wake her up and have ess eee cross.  I remembered how much the bitch used to hate it when I tried to do that with her but that, me being a guy, didn't stop me from trying.  To my pleasant surprise, she woke up and  wanted to engage. 

It wasn't a conversation really but when I maneuvered for insertion she adjusted to facilitate capture.  I remembered feeling like that was really nice of her to be so accommodating.  I recall pumping for a while, her getting thoroughly engaged and then assisted with her own self manipulation to aid in a pleasant completion which she achieved.  I didn't though.  But I wasn't disappointed.  I was just happy that she was satisfied.

It is weird that I often dream of things that are far better than what is remotely possible.  But there, I did it again.  A woman so beautiful and young  (about late 20's to early 30's.)  So willing.  Sleeping without any encumbrances that would delay engagement.  I think I have just described all the essential features of the perfect woman (said tongue in cheek.)

I don't often have these kinds of dreams.  I think this is the second one this year.  I don't expect another one before 2020 and I wouldn't be surprised if it is not until 2021.  Well I suppose that was the height of my day today. 

I do have that date with the gal from Tinder on Sunday.  I am really looking forward to that.  She is tall and not slim at all but I am trying to internalize that so that I don't have disappointment showing on my face when we meet.  I am really just hoping for a nice conversation and the start of an occasional event companion.  I don't see a romantic LTR but I am hoping for a good friend.

BREAK

So it has been something like a month, at least a few weeks since th above post.  

Today finds me with two,  countem, two engagements scheduled with separate courtesans.  I know, sutpid, stupid stupid.  But there it is.  One is tall the other is petite.  

BREAK

So I saw the tall one last night.  Russian gal. Very fit.  It was a stellar episode.  Of course I hoped it would be since it is likely to cost me my life.  Interesting that after I made arrangements I felt really bad.  Not the kind of experience you hope for when you just decided to spend over 150 clams.  

In some sense this blog reminds me of a "failure analysis."  My life is completely broken and is crashing and burning actively.  Pieces are still flying around and there is more fuel left to ignight.  It is not a matter of saving the plane anymore, but there may be some survivors who could be spared.  So who am I kidding, the pilot never survives a bad crash.  They are the first to die.

BREAK

So over the weekend I quasi intentionally (but most effectively) cancelled my next appt with a provider.  I was glad / sad that I did.  I also missed the Orf concert b/c I couldn't find anyone to go with me, not even if I paid them.  

Sunday was just another lost cause.  I did laundry and watched TV.  That was about it.  I'm still thinking about the provider I saw earlier.  Man that woman was incredible.  

Of course I often think of how far I am away from the shore of God's approval.  It's one thing when you look at what you did and are only mildly interested.  But now I look at her and she just seems like a real double handful of enjoyment.  And it is all just so very sinnful.  So what emerges is a brief poof of a great feeling preceeded and followed by gloom over the state I am in regarding my lost relationship with God.  And I look across over the desert of my life and I sigh.  For I see no hope, other thatn that which would have, could have come from God if I had only listened and obeyed.  There just seems to be no chance anymore.  I have just been too terribly bad and refused God's hand of help.

Need a Doc -- Sh*t and other drivel

So I quit seeing my last doc.  I have am convinced that these are the priorities, in order, for a doctor seeing a new-ish patient:

1. Don't get sued
2. Get Paid (by the Insurance company)
3. The patient doesn't complain about me on line
4. Address the patient's concern as quickly as possible so that (#2) I get paid and (#3) the patient doesn't complain and most of all (#1) I don't get sued.

I understand that doctors in other countries are not like this.  I hear doctors in India really do care and that patients can rely on them to look out for their best interests.  

Since my now former doctor was prescribing antidepressants she had me filling out a survey before each visit that I believe was intended to determine if I was about to do myself harm.  As my mood darkened over the time I was seeing her she started telling me I needed to see a specialist.  Of course I have seen specialists many times with notably poor results (most particularly on my bank account.)  So I wasn't interested in complying with her request.

So she starts acting curt with me and, as I believe she intended, I stopped going to see her.  Now I am out of HBP medicine.  I need another doc.  Sh*t.

Break

Its maybe a week later now.  Still haven't looked-for / found a new doc.  It is on my mind a little more b/c I got a clue that my kidneys are not working right.  Damn, this is going to kill me.  Maybe that is what I am hoping for.  Nothing else is going right. 

I'm still feeling this deep sense of failure and unhappiness.  Of course it is entirely justified as I contemplate my demise at Armageddon if not sooner.  I've come to realize how little material possessions mean and how my life's pursuits are all just vanity.  Like the king said, chasing the wind.  Now even taking his advice (work hard and see the good for your work) is damn near impossible for me.  Big sigh.   No fixing this, not within my capability.  Of course it is within God's capability but this whole thing isn't about me.  So I can't expect him to act in my behalf when I am good and ready.  Also even when he does I eschew the advantage he has given me.

There doesn't seem to be anything good happening.  Of course that's not true.  The car still works, as does my heart in an essential fashion.  My eyes work well enough and I can still type.   God lets me go to meetings and I can download stuff from the religion's web site.  Yea things could be much worse, but I am way down below where they would be if I had done his will and lived up  to my dedication.

So for now deep disappointment and frustration is a daily feeling.  No end in sight.  Just bad news so often. 

Oh yea and my A/C broke a month or so and I still haven't gotten it fixed.  It is just now worth it to me to go through the trouble.  Just no motivation anymore to do anything.  I just want to give up.  I'm feeling sleepy again.  It's what I do when deep depression is coming on.  I get sleepy all the time.

Team is doing the usual work around me.  I can't stop it but I will call it out when it happens.  I actually succeeded in making the perpetrator feel bad about having done so, for whatever good it will do.  I didn't loose my temper in any way this time.  No smoking gun left behind in an escalating email trail.  But as usual this is not good for me.  I'll have to explain what happened to my boss so that when he hears the complaint from elsewhere at least he will know what the issue is.

Blah, Blah, Blah . . . Sh*t

Boinked a provider again last week.  A really nice person, very kind of heart.  We ended up talking for several hours I think because I was nice and listened.  And maybe partly b/c I brought along some wine and a pint of Jack Daniels.  We polished off the latter with, I might add, no adverse affects on performance.   It is the first time that a provider has willingly spent so much additional time with me. 

I'm not proud of what I've done,  pretty embarrassed more like it.  I just can't seem to navigate my way back to the organization.  Going to the meetings seems to be just an impossibility now.  I tried earnestly twice this week, Monday and Tuesday, and then I tried again half heatedly on Thursday.  Unsuccessful on all attempts.  One time I was going along and then I decided I might need to urinate.  I hate using the bathrooms at the KHall so that was enough.  The next time I was a little late.  Not for any good reason, I was just late.  Of course, I couldn't walk in there late right?  The last time I was "late."  That is I arrived at my bus stop later than I thought would be possible to make it to the meeting on time.  Yet I made it home (a lot farther away) before the meeting start time.  "Stupid, stupid, stupid" I say over and over again.  But I keep on doing the same d*mn thing.

I know God's son's ransom would cover my sins if I were to take the propitiatory actions.  Where I get stuck is making myself do those things.  All things I desperately do not want to do.  It's like trying to swallow medicine that can save your life but that tastes, smells and looks so bad you want to wretch.  So far I haven't been able to force myself to choke it down.  (Of course it is worth noting that in actual fact every one on the planet would be better off swallowing, bathing and swimming in all that is, and is related to this medicine; there is nothing patently negative about it in any way.  It doesn't stink.  So my aversion to it is yet another personal failure.)

I still pray occasionally.  Not daily like I once did but I really try to communicate.  I tell God these things and beg for his help.  I am sure he is, or has often, answering/answered my prayers.  It is just that I don't always perceive (or don't always remember perceiving)  those answers.  So it feels like it is useless to do so.  Of course intellectually I know that prayer is a very powerful and useful thing.  But it doesn't always seem like it to me.  Again, I am sure it is something that I am doing, feeling, sensing wrongly.  There is nothing wrong with God, although the agents he may choose to use are imperfect, he never lets us endure more than we should be able to take.

I have taken to force feeding myself spiritual music in the mornings.  I don't like the songs but I decided that I am just going to listen to them when I get ready.  Of course I counteract that by listening to my Goth Metal music occasionally at work.  Yea I know, "Stupid, stupid stupid."

I have found it practically impossible to focus at work today.  The day started at 7:00 AM with meetings.  I ate way too much today.  Don't know why really.  But right now I feel way too full.  A little sleepy as well, not unusual for me with a too-full tummy.  I am standing at my desk.  I am dreading the commute home.  I just don't feel like dealing with it.  I just want to snap my fingers and be home.  Yea, don't we all right?  But no really I don't often feel this way.  Commuting is just kind of a normal thing.  I don't particularly dread it most days.  But today I want to throw in the towel and crawl under my desk and go to sleep.  Oh my goodness I so hate what I am today, really what I have been all my adult life.  I really can't think of any time that I have been happy.  Yea there were times when I have been less despondent, but happy?  No not really, well, not as I can remember.  There have been good moments:  When I was dating my ex before we got married, when I first started working for the Q, and maybe when I first started working for the "d".  But sh*t that was when I didn't know anything.

There are times now when I feel close to tears, I just start thinking about how bad things are now and how they are not going to change anytime soon.  I think i will end up leaving here in shame after another big screw up.  I can't imagine an orderly wind down.  It is just too much work.  I think I'll end up just visiting party city and home depot.  Then just draw the curtains on my life.  It just hurts too much.

On the other hand I'd finish with a long prayer, trying to explain to God why I am doing something he expressly forbids.  So I may end up avoiding it but I am really messed up inside now and that is the only solution that I see that is likely to happen.  Things will just naturally continue to devolve from here on out.  Cheer up dude, Armageddon is on the way, but, oh yea,  I'm very unlikely to survive that.  So no, things are not looking good.