And Just More of the Same

Well, crap!  what now.

So, yet again, I have come to the conclusion that I am likely to die at Armageddon if not sooner.  I keep asking myself what I could could make or force myself to do to get off this wagon train and onto a new vehicle (God's Salvation Train -- much different than the "Gospel Train" of youthful melodies. To wit:  "The Gospel train is commin'  I hear it close at hand,  I hear the engines rumblin' and roarin' 'cross the land; So get on board, little children, get on board.  Get on board .  .  .  [I forget the rest])

But I digress.

I am in such sh*t right now.  I truly don't know what to do.  Quitting seems pointless but I am loosing motivation to do anything positive these days.  I have a 3 day weekend coming up.  I look forward to it in that I can spend more time resting.  I dread it a bit b/c without the structure of going to work, I spend my time watching TV, watching nrop and knifing up.  There doesn't seem to be anything I can do so stop this trend.

Maybe I can pick up something and just start learning it from scratch, like web development?

Or maybe Database work like with Cache or MongoDB

I went to the doctor for the first time in many months.  (Of course in the past there has been  decades between dr visits but now that I am old and decrepit several months is a long time.  I needed an STD screening.  At first the doc recommended just doing 2, clamidia and one other I forget.  But then I told her that I see adult entertainment providers (AEP's) and she is giving me a full battery of testing.  All the ones available.  She is also doing the labs to see if I can take the special anti hepres (I think) pill to reduce the chance of infection in the future.

No results yet though.  She does recommend retesting every 3 - 4 months.   I definately think that's a good idea if this level of sexual activity keeps up.

BREAK BREAK BREAK

So there is no significance to the fact that there are 3 (count 'em 3) "Break"s in the above line.  I just want it prominent that time has passed between this statement and the last.

So the Doc found no STD's which is a huge relief.  Not just b/c I'm not infected but also b/c I don't feel guilty about potentially passing something on to others.  Now I am really hesitant to engage in any more activity.  Of course that's a good thing but I doubt if that hesitation is enough to preclude activity into the future.  I am still feeling gratified by the last encounter.  I think about it often.  I like the how the provider behaved during the encounter.  She was unafraid of adjusting and changing to get the feeling she wanted.  She kept shifting from one position to another.  Of course I was totally enjoying myself.  But I don't want to think about that too much.  That was a singular experience in my mind.  Not one likely to be repeated again soon.

I am really struggling work-wise.  I see myself as barely qualified to do the work here.  I want to run away, but I need the job (actually the money the job pays.)  Today I feel unusually agitated.  I am not sure why.  It may be b/c my Doc put me on Prozac recently.  I remember one other time when I was on antidepressants (goose creek psycho center) the doc put me on an anti-anxiety medication.  I recall that was a pretty good combination.

Anyway I'm thinking I'll leave early today.  I don't know how to justify it though.  I just know I am really having trouble getting anything done now.

I got so sleepy yesterday afternoon.  I ended up leaving the office at 4:30.  So I feel bad about leaving early again today.  I know I get in early every day, but I really need the extra time just to put in a full day's work with all the issues I have going on.

The anxiety seems to be passing.  I can focus now a lot better than before.  Maybe it was a sugar rush from the wedding (shower) cake I ate right after lunch.  It had tons of icing.  But of course now I feel really sleepy again.  I wonder if this too is a side effect of Prozac.  This pill popping crap is for the birds, but what else can I do?  I am such a mess right now.

For the last few days I have particularly felt badly.  Focusing on the uselessness of the life I led and how I could have had a great life with lots of positive feedback if only I had chosen to serve God instead of serving myself.

I'm feeling a hot flash coming on now.  Crap!.


I have an assembly this weekend.  I'll go to the one that my son is attending so I'll see him.  Can't talk to him but (according to the latest information of which I am aware) it is OK to sit beside him. 

Another Few Days -- A Few More Disappointments

While I was on a lunch-time walk I was contemplating how introverts manage with minimal companionship.  Here is what I've seen:

1. Form tight bond to just one or two close friends
2. Get with Family and enjoy their company.  Includes:
1. Spouse
2. Siblings
3. Parents 
4. Cousins
3. Form tight associations with work colleagues
4. Get with people in the church
5. Other support groups.

I go down that list and answer no or not-available to each of these opportunities.

Yea I know, this is another poor-me post.  More sh*t about how bad I have it.  At least I'm not spending my days avoiding snipers and un-exploded ordinance.  Yea, that's pretty great that I don't have to deal with that.  I just can't shake the reality that with just a little bit better planning & execution, I never would have had to deal with any of this crap.  But nothing to do about that now and the only thing to do is carry forward.

Tinder is going to be the new death of me.  As I ramp up JW studying I am losing interest, but the potential to hang with women is too great for me to avoid.  Of course I could if I'd pray more, but I don't.  I guess I could have avoided most of the bad crap I've had to deal with if I would pray and obey.  But I don't.  Yea, altogether now:  IHMS. 

Good value provider in town this week.  So far I haven't succumbed to her charms (her advertisements.)  Actually I think I will avoid her b/c she is a very good value and those tend to book up pretty completely.

Had an ess eee cross dream last night.  It was pretty interesting.  This was with a very pretty blonde that I seemed to have an LTR with.  We were lying in bed and she was asleep.  I came along wanting to wake her up and have ess eee cross.  I remembered how much the bitch used to hate it when I tried to do that with her but that, me being a guy, didn't stop me from trying.  To my pleasant surprise, she woke up and  wanted to engage. 

It wasn't a conversation really but when I maneuvered for insertion she adjusted to facilitate capture.  I remembered feeling like that was really nice of her to be so accommodating.  I recall pumping for a while, her getting thoroughly engaged and then assisted with her own self manipulation to aid in a pleasant completion which she achieved.  I didn't though.  But I wasn't disappointed.  I was just happy that she was satisfied.

It is weird that I often dream of things that are far better than what is remotely possible.  But there, I did it again.  A woman so beautiful and young  (about late 20's to early 30's.)  So willing.  Sleeping without any encumbrances that would delay engagement.  I think I have just described all the essential features of the perfect woman (said tongue in cheek.)

I don't often have these kinds of dreams.  I think this is the second one this year.  I don't expect another one before 2020 and I wouldn't be surprised if it is not until 2021.  Well I suppose that was the height of my day today. 

I do have that date with the gal from Tinder on Sunday.  I am really looking forward to that.  She is tall and not slim at all but I am trying to internalize that so that I don't have disappointment showing on my face when we meet.  I am really just hoping for a nice conversation and the start of an occasional event companion.  I don't see a romantic LTR but I am hoping for a good friend.

BREAK

So it has been something like a month, at least a few weeks since th above post.  

Today finds me with two,  countem, two engagements scheduled with separate courtesans.  I know, sutpid, stupid stupid.  But there it is.  One is tall the other is petite.  

BREAK

So I saw the tall one last night.  Russian gal. Very fit.  It was a stellar episode.  Of course I hoped it would be since it is likely to cost me my life.  Interesting that after I made arrangements I felt really bad.  Not the kind of experience you hope for when you just decided to spend over 150 clams.  

In some sense this blog reminds me of a "failure analysis."  My life is completely broken and is crashing and burning actively.  Pieces are still flying around and there is more fuel left to ignight.  It is not a matter of saving the plane anymore, but there may be some survivors who could be spared.  So who am I kidding, the pilot never survives a bad crash.  They are the first to die.

BREAK

So over the weekend I quasi intentionally (but most effectively) cancelled my next appt with a provider.  I was glad / sad that I did.  I also missed the Orf concert b/c I couldn't find anyone to go with me, not even if I paid them.  

Sunday was just another lost cause.  I did laundry and watched TV.  That was about it.  I'm still thinking about the provider I saw earlier.  Man that woman was incredible.  

Of course I often think of how far I am away from the shore of God's approval.  It's one thing when you look at what you did and are only mildly interested.  But now I look at her and she just seems like a real double handful of enjoyment.  And it is all just so very sinnful.  So what emerges is a brief poof of a great feeling preceeded and followed by gloom over the state I am in regarding my lost relationship with God.  And I look across over the desert of my life and I sigh.  For I see no hope, other thatn that which would have, could have come from God if I had only listened and obeyed.  There just seems to be no chance anymore.  I have just been too terribly bad and refused God's hand of help.

Need a Doc -- Sh*t and other drivel

So I quit seeing my last doc.  I have am convinced that these are the priorities, in order, for a doctor seeing a new-ish patient:

1. Don't get sued
2. Get Paid (by the Insurance company)
3. The patient doesn't complain about me on line
4. Address the patient's concern as quickly as possible so that (#2) I get paid and (#3) the patient doesn't complain and most of all (#1) I don't get sued.

I understand that doctors in other countries are not like this.  I hear doctors in India really do care and that patients can rely on them to look out for their best interests.  

Since my now former doctor was prescribing antidepressants she had me filling out a survey before each visit that I believe was intended to determine if I was about to do myself harm.  As my mood darkened over the time I was seeing her she started telling me I needed to see a specialist.  Of course I have seen specialists many times with notably poor results (most particularly on my bank account.)  So I wasn't interested in complying with her request.

So she starts acting curt with me and, as I believe she intended, I stopped going to see her.  Now I am out of HBP medicine.  I need another doc.  Sh*t.

Break

Its maybe a week later now.  Still haven't looked-for / found a new doc.  It is on my mind a little more b/c I got a clue that my kidneys are not working right.  Damn, this is going to kill me.  Maybe that is what I am hoping for.  Nothing else is going right. 

I'm still feeling this deep sense of failure and unhappiness.  Of course it is entirely justified as I contemplate my demise at Armageddon if not sooner.  I've come to realize how little material possessions mean and how my life's pursuits are all just vanity.  Like the king said, chasing the wind.  Now even taking his advice (work hard and see the good for your work) is damn near impossible for me.  Big sigh.   No fixing this, not within my capability.  Of course it is within God's capability but this whole thing isn't about me.  So I can't expect him to act in my behalf when I am good and ready.  Also even when he does I eschew the advantage he has given me.

There doesn't seem to be anything good happening.  Of course that's not true.  The car still works, as does my heart in an essential fashion.  My eyes work well enough and I can still type.   God lets me go to meetings and I can download stuff from the religion's web site.  Yea things could be much worse, but I am way down below where they would be if I had done his will and lived up  to my dedication.

So for now deep disappointment and frustration is a daily feeling.  No end in sight.  Just bad news so often. 

Oh yea and my A/C broke a month or so and I still haven't gotten it fixed.  It is just now worth it to me to go through the trouble.  Just no motivation anymore to do anything.  I just want to give up.  I'm feeling sleepy again.  It's what I do when deep depression is coming on.  I get sleepy all the time.

Team is doing the usual work around me.  I can't stop it but I will call it out when it happens.  I actually succeeded in making the perpetrator feel bad about having done so, for whatever good it will do.  I didn't loose my temper in any way this time.  No smoking gun left behind in an escalating email trail.  But as usual this is not good for me.  I'll have to explain what happened to my boss so that when he hears the complaint from elsewhere at least he will know what the issue is.

Blah, Blah, Blah . . . Sh*t

Boinked a provider again last week.  A really nice person, very kind of heart.  We ended up talking for several hours I think because I was nice and listened.  And maybe partly b/c I brought along some wine and a pint of Jack Daniels.  We polished off the latter with, I might add, no adverse affects on performance.   It is the first time that a provider has willingly spent so much additional time with me. 

I'm not proud of what I've done,  pretty embarrassed more like it.  I just can't seem to navigate my way back to the organization.  Going to the meetings seems to be just an impossibility now.  I tried earnestly twice this week, Monday and Tuesday, and then I tried again half heatedly on Thursday.  Unsuccessful on all attempts.  One time I was going along and then I decided I might need to urinate.  I hate using the bathrooms at the KHall so that was enough.  The next time I was a little late.  Not for any good reason, I was just late.  Of course, I couldn't walk in there late right?  The last time I was "late."  That is I arrived at my bus stop later than I thought would be possible to make it to the meeting on time.  Yet I made it home (a lot farther away) before the meeting start time.  "Stupid, stupid, stupid" I say over and over again.  But I keep on doing the same d*mn thing.

I know God's son's ransom would cover my sins if I were to take the propitiatory actions.  Where I get stuck is making myself do those things.  All things I desperately do not want to do.  It's like trying to swallow medicine that can save your life but that tastes, smells and looks so bad you want to wretch.  So far I haven't been able to force myself to choke it down.  (Of course it is worth noting that in actual fact every one on the planet would be better off swallowing, bathing and swimming in all that is, and is related to this medicine; there is nothing patently negative about it in any way.  It doesn't stink.  So my aversion to it is yet another personal failure.)

I still pray occasionally.  Not daily like I once did but I really try to communicate.  I tell God these things and beg for his help.  I am sure he is, or has often, answering/answered my prayers.  It is just that I don't always perceive (or don't always remember perceiving)  those answers.  So it feels like it is useless to do so.  Of course intellectually I know that prayer is a very powerful and useful thing.  But it doesn't always seem like it to me.  Again, I am sure it is something that I am doing, feeling, sensing wrongly.  There is nothing wrong with God, although the agents he may choose to use are imperfect, he never lets us endure more than we should be able to take.

I have taken to force feeding myself spiritual music in the mornings.  I don't like the songs but I decided that I am just going to listen to them when I get ready.  Of course I counteract that by listening to my Goth Metal music occasionally at work.  Yea I know, "Stupid, stupid stupid."

I have found it practically impossible to focus at work today.  The day started at 7:00 AM with meetings.  I ate way too much today.  Don't know why really.  But right now I feel way too full.  A little sleepy as well, not unusual for me with a too-full tummy.  I am standing at my desk.  I am dreading the commute home.  I just don't feel like dealing with it.  I just want to snap my fingers and be home.  Yea, don't we all right?  But no really I don't often feel this way.  Commuting is just kind of a normal thing.  I don't particularly dread it most days.  But today I want to throw in the towel and crawl under my desk and go to sleep.  Oh my goodness I so hate what I am today, really what I have been all my adult life.  I really can't think of any time that I have been happy.  Yea there were times when I have been less despondent, but happy?  No not really, well, not as I can remember.  There have been good moments:  When I was dating my ex before we got married, when I first started working for the Q, and maybe when I first started working for the "d".  But sh*t that was when I didn't know anything.

There are times now when I feel close to tears, I just start thinking about how bad things are now and how they are not going to change anytime soon.  I think i will end up leaving here in shame after another big screw up.  I can't imagine an orderly wind down.  It is just too much work.  I think I'll end up just visiting party city and home depot.  Then just draw the curtains on my life.  It just hurts too much.

On the other hand I'd finish with a long prayer, trying to explain to God why I am doing something he expressly forbids.  So I may end up avoiding it but I am really messed up inside now and that is the only solution that I see that is likely to happen.  Things will just naturally continue to devolve from here on out.  Cheer up dude, Armageddon is on the way, but, oh yea,  I'm very unlikely to survive that.  So no, things are not looking good.

Death March

Well lots has changed (negatively,) since the last post.  My mood is in the toilet and I think about suicide frequently.  I have had some negative things happen at work and it is becoming apparent that I just don't belong here and I never will.  Some of it, Ok well a lot of it is entirely my fault.  Some of it has to do with the fact that most people here treat me with very little if any, respect.  I have had to just accept the way people treat me since there seems to be nothing I can say to make it stop.  Arguing has a deleterious effect on what little relationship is left with my co-workers.  It has no good effect on the issue about which I am arguing.  As a matter of fact it usually ends up solidifying people in a position opposite the one I espoused.

The tax man has come demanding scores of thousands of dollars and I can't seem to deal with that well.  No real news there except that he/they have been raiding accounts and attaching property to get what they are owed.  I don't even know where anything stands.

So my job is for sh*t and I am all but broke.  I still use escorts so I can't get back in the truth and my addiction to porn is unmitigated.

Now my AC broke but I am too depressed to get it fixed so I am uncomfortable every night and day at home.  Of course my heat has been off for the last several years so I had been using portable heaters.  No need for them now.

Oddly I have made some progress getting my place more presentable.  I have my robot vacuums working now so the floor isn't grungy like it used to be.  Filing is actually happening but it is more like I have stopped receding as rapidly as I had been.  Well actually I am receding into a better organized mass of un-filed paperwork than before.

My blood pressure is very high again.  Something like 185 over 110.  Yikes!  But I don't have adequate concern to get to the Doctor about it.  Not even just to get my prescription refilled.  Oh, and I'm still gaining weight.  around 200 lb now.

I took some vacation recently.  It was really bad.  I did some good things.  I started working on fixing my boots that had the soul separating from the upper.  I fixed 2 watch bands to make them usable.

Someone was supposed to be painting my other house.  They keep getting side tracked.  I paid them fully for the work.  However somehow some way they are a couple of years behind schedule.  I don't understand, but I'm not angry.  I know the guy and he is basically a really good man.  Something must be going on with him I guess.  I guess I would be surprised if he is ripping me off.  But oh well.  that would be just another disappointment.  One of many I continue to have these days.

I am 1 + 5/12th years into my df and no meeting with the chieftans.  They are supposed to meet annually but I did not expect it to happen.   I missed  the twice annual meetings when the itinerant bog dog came around.  I really tried to make it and I was actually there for one of the meetings but I was so late and the meeting was so crowded I knew if I walked in there wouldn't be a seat for me in an inconspicuous location so I didn't bother going in.  Yea I know it was stupid to miss, but that's what I do.

I have started a new thing, forcing myself to listen to righteous music. I hate it, but it is like bad tasting medicine.  I know it's good for me.  I worry some times that I will just go running and screaming away from that music just like I do with meeting attendance.  For now I am still force feeding myself.  Whatever, it must be good for me right?

I haven't gotten my tooth fixed.  I have new cavities, My glasses are broken and have been for over a year.  I haven't gotten a new glasses prescription in a almost 3 years now.  My hair is basically all grey now and my eyes are constantly bloodshot.  Of course I am fat and getting fatter but we covered that before.

Yes, there is a lot further I could fall.  Life could be far, far worse than it is.  However the salient point is that, as far as I can tell, it is bad enough now that I am rather sure I wouldn't make it through Armageddon if it happens within the next several months.  Lately I have been almost literally retching at how distasteful my life is currently.  I am sure a new psychoactive medicine would make things better for a while.  Not really though, I'd just go through another cycle and end up right back here in a year or two if the system lasts that long,.

So it seems like there is nothing I can do to fix myself.  Hence the suicidal thoughts.

Ideas anyone?

Lethal Internet

So how to reboot my tired old self.  I really just don't know.  I say the same things over and over, study, meetings, prayer and service.  I have tried all these with varying degrees of success.  I can't seem to fire on all cylinders in the proper sequence for a long enough period of time to get back into the congregation.  Even when I was in the congregation I couldn't get it going long enough to convince anyone that I was sincere.  So I was always on my own.  No encouragement from anyone.  Of course the deacons "helped" by telling me how bad my problems were and telling me that I'm not doing enough.  It's not thier fault though.  It is mine.  Well me and those who assisted in my demise.  Of course as has been stated many times before in this blog,  I am the one with primary responsibility because God could have and would have given me all the help I needed if I had only asked and worked along with my request and stopped drinking poison while I tried to get better..

I suppose I don't really need a gun or a tank of helium to kill myself.  Internet access will do just fine.

The Recognized Beginning of the End

So I guess the beginning of the end was when began consistently making decisions to put my own interests ahead of God's.  That would be in High School when I decided to go to College instead of serving God full time.

Now I finally know and appreciate the gravity of that decision.  I am sitting outside God's organization and I can't find my way back in.  I have worked on and achieved partial success with a number of initiatives.  Studying more, reading the bible, going to meetings, prayer, watching Jw tv, listening to Jw music and so on.  However they are always short lived efforts and they are interspersed with  poisonous activity that counteracts the good that I would otherwise do:  immoral behavior, and entertainment. 

Now I am old, and people at work laugh at me behind my back.  They are openly rude to me in meetings and enjoy the opportunity to reject any suggestion I have.  Even the things I have accomplished are first minimized and then  quickly claimed by others.  They have no problem walking back what I built up. 

I am having my reckoning with my lack of action regarding past fiscal mistakes.  Basically everything I have done and accomplished that has been good in my life is washing away.  My life has been crumbling for the past couple of decades and now major fishers are opening that can't be covered over anymore.  I've lost my interest in everything.  I just don't care about much anymore.  All those things that I thought would be so important are just meaningless now. 

I really think I would do myself in were it not for the fact that I don't have the authority to take my own life.  That would be presumptuously taking my own judgment in to my hands.  God doesn't like it when people do that.  Of course Judas had no better choice, but, thankfully, I'm not as bad as he was.  Of course that leaves me plenty bad enough to warrant destruction from God, as far as I can tell.  But still that is not my call to make. 

So what that means is that even though I know, as well as one can know these things, that I am unacceptable to God and just waiting for the final adverse judgement, I can't do anything to hurry along the execution of that judgement.  All I can seem to do is to sit around waiting for God, or his appointed executioner, to bring me to an end.  I suppose I can hope that it is quick and does not involved torture and prolonged suffering, but I don't know if God grants deference to such like preferences. 

All I am is sad all the time.  I am so thoroughly disgusted with myself and my bad decisions.  I have lost hope of ever getting out of this mess on my own, and I don't have anyone I can reliably turn to for help.  They all are JW's who can't help me or they are not even remotely close enough to contact for this kind of help.  So here I sit, stewing in my own feelings of worthlessness and worry about being further exposed as the fraud that I am. 

When I was giving my Valedictorian speech from High School I mentioned Solomon's words about a time to laugh, to cry, to skip about etc.  For me it seems now would be a good time to die.  I have lost everything of value.  I realize that.  And now I just need to live out the rest of my life, for as long as God allows me to continue to exist, waiting for the time when he will pass judgement and mercifully bring this life to an end.  I just hate myself so very much.  I am such a complete and total failure.