Breakdown Process

Where to i begin?  Well I haven't done anything really really bad stupid yet.  God has helped me all along by somehow helping me avoid getting responses to all the requests to my selected "comfort girls" aka escorts.  One actually responded a few times.  Really pretty, tall and close by.  Somehow I just couldn't bring myself to get over there.

But now here I am again.  Tempted, stuck mentally at work.  I feel like I can't do any work now.  I try to start and I just can't focus.  Well, not on work anyway.  I am focusing on escorts.  I am falling.  I am going to do this thing.  I have failed to uphold God's standards in my life again.  What a waste.  Little doubt that I am not going to "make it."  That is so sad.  All the wonders of the universe are possible in God's Kingdom.  And I am about to trade it all in for one sordid hour of pleasure.  No, it isn't worth it.  Far from it.  But the temptation is too strong now for me to break away.  She is just too tall, too pretty, to tempting.  I just can't bear it.  This is really bad .  .  .

I have watched myself fail before, now I am blogging through my failure.  It is so disappointing.  Trading forever for a moment.  But my head is all screwed up now.  I can't gain perspective anymore, not with the prospect of such temptation at my fingertips.  I feel like I have faced something like this before.  When I stand firm I don't feel good afterward,  I just feel damaged.  Like when a fort repels a vicious attach just barely.  They are vulnerable to the next one.  Of course with God all things are possible, but in my case failure has been the rule because, obviously, I just don't love God enough.

It's later in the afternoon.  Between the previous paragraph and this one I read the old posts from March 2017 when I was just kicked out.  It was pretty sad time.  More importantly I prayed a lot for help.  I was surprised that it worked and I didn't actually do something stupid.  Why praying worked now and not before is unknown.  I think it is because I have been reading bible and study publications so much.  This is not something I think I will be able to keep up with.  But if my life depends on it I should.

Of course that has not been sufficient motivation for the first 50 plus years of my life so .  .  .

I think I have just delayed the inevitable.  But that doesn't make sense b/c God doesn't require the impossible.

OK so it is the next day.  I didn't do the stupid thing.  I can't believe God is still working to help me even though I keep doing things like looking at the advertising sites and the emails from the providers I've previously engaged.  I know I can't keep doing that.  I really know that God will kill me if I don't stop that.  He isn't going to constantly stand over me holding me back from making the same mistake with me continually doing things that lead me down the path of doing it.  I still can't believe I didn't do anything this week.  But I am nowhere near out of the woods on this.  I have plenty of additional opportunities to screw up.  Honestly I still don't think I am going to make it.  The history is just too full of repeated mistakes and back-sliding for me to believe I won't do that again.  This isn't to impugn God's ability to assist, it is to realize my lack of resolve to do His will.

I always thought that I'd make it somehow, someway.  I don't believe that anymore.  The history of my failures is too long and deep.  I just know that with God anything is possible.  But God won't drag anyone kicking and screaming for Satan's system of things into his new world.

Once a @!#$ing gain

Another day another post.  Why?  I have no clue.  I prayed a lot yesterday and then again this morning.  I am trying to thank God for the good things he provides rather than all prayers just asking for stuff.  A few days ago I thanked him for the super interesting and complex world of subatomic particles and the cool and strange behaviors at the quantum level.  Today I thanked him for women.

That escort I met a couple of posts ago still haunts my mind.  I know that we will never be friends but she just seems like the epitome of so much of the good things that a woman might be.  She is beautiful, tall, smart, takes care of herself, kind hearted and likes kids.  Wow, what a combination.  But, she is way too expensive for me to form a friendship.  Honestly I'll probably never see her again.  In any case though, if I do God's will then eventually I might befriend a woman like that.  They can be some pretty awesome creatures.

Back at work now.  This post sees me avoiding working on my performance review.  Oh well,  I can't put it off forever.

But just a little longer .  .  .

So the latest depressing thoughts is a continuation of the earlier rant.  So things are going better in the last couple of days, praying a lot, doing bible reading and reading WBTS publications.  I have to wonder how long this will last.  I know it is just a matter of time before it all falls apart.  I don't want that to happen but history indicates that it will.  It is a sad thought.  I want to believe I can change but I have been wanting to change for the last decade or more.  Hasn't happened yet.  Maybe it's today.  As I've said earlier, God only knows.  I keep hoping that this is the time.  But I just know that, statistically speaking, it is very unlikely.

Crap!

Going Under (Reprise)

2019 01 09  Yep later the same day as the end of the last post.  Not sure why I all of a sudden have an interest in airing my dirty laundry for the world to critique.   Maybe because I sense God's spirit in helping me to do his will.  My last several attempts to engage an escort have failed.  Once or twice that is not a particularly unusual event but three times in a row and all of a sudden I am sitting up and taking notice.

So what am I doing differently, actually it's hard to say because I have just once again started going to meetings (only the last two weeks.)  I have been reading the bible regularly since early October.  That may be the thing.  Actually that is when all of a sudden I couldn't schedule escorts.  So maybe there is a connection.

I read the text and a Wt article on the train to work.  I read the bible at lunch and track progress on a spreadsheet.  I then read a chapter on some book, (I'm in "Keep yourselves in God's Love" now) on the way home.  I have also started more studiously avoiding the really bad Netflix movies and shows.  Of course now that I am bragging, something will go wrong.  It always does.  I can't seem to break that cycle.  I suppose that is why I am not too hopeful that this will work out.  I think it will end up being just a temporary reprieve in my continual downward spiral into hell.

Open the gates, here I come!  Woops little deviation there, worry not I'll be back this way again before long.  I wish that were not the case but I don't seem to know how to get out of this loop.

2019 01 10

Another day another post.  Suicide thoughts are coming more frequently now.  I just don't see how I can continue moving forward.  It is getting harder and harder to do any work.  I stare at the screen and look at my to-do list.  But finding the motivation to get started on any particular item is just getting so much harder.  I have to resort to listening to metal music.  That seems to pacify the rage in my mind so the rest of my brain can focus on moving forward.   Every step to do anything is like wading through thick syrup.  The failures will mount and it is just a matter of time before more critical and important things start dropping.  Self loathing is continuing.  I pray a bit but I don't perceive the amount of assistance I think I need.  I should do it more.  Certainly I could; maybe this is a clue.  I so entirely hate my current situation.  But I feel locked in, like I can't move forward even though logically I can think of several things I could start doing differently.

I just feel so useless and bad here at work.  It is like everyone knows what  bum I am and they don't want to talk to me.  Like the pre-termination revulsion playing out again.  People don't want to be around a sinking ship when it finally goes under.  People are borderline rude. I can't shake this feeling.  It is so pervasive.  I wish there was some way to escape.  It is like I ache all over.

How can I get the help I need to fix this?  God only knows.

Failure

Yes it has been a while.  I continue to see Escorts.  I am more often than not having sex with them, although, for the record, I do not purchase sexual services.

I met a new escort last night.  She is a very tall blonde, very fit and big boned.  She is hugely intelligent.  I think she figured me out pretty early on and I think she was tired of me by the end of dinner.  She didn't show any irritation though. She was professional to the end.

Of course I still shouldn't have gone through with it.  Another grand down the tubes.  Being so smart I immediately was captivated by the conversation.  It was apparent early on that the intelligence quotient made the table pretty lop-sided and before long the food was sliding off the table in her direction.  (Not literally of course.)  I did my usual thing of writing too many times after it was over.  Sealing the lack of interest and sowing the seeds of distain in her mind.  I am such a fool.

I continue to wreck my mentality at work as I am so totally out-classed by the people around me.  We had a team building event and again I made a fool of myself not being able to think of any unique fun activities I have ever done.  I had to admit during dinner that I want to be a JW, but that I haven't figured out how to stop f*cking long enough to do so.  BTW long enough is like a year or more so it's no small thing.  Well really it is forever (basically)  but that's how long it takes to get back in.

I quit going to meetings.  I am at that point again where I just can't find the motivation to go, even when there is no other excuse not to do so.

The medication front is looking better.  the only down side is that it is super expensive.  This is the first medication that really seems to do something.  I sleep well now.  That's a first for a really long time.  I dream and not all my dreams are bad.  It is really quite a remarkable change.  You would think I'd want to start going to meetings again.

Fast forward a couple of months and the new year is here.  It's Jan 9, 2019 now.

I spent my 10 glorious days off watching TV and lying on the couch.  It was a huge waste.  I feel mentally drained and exhausted, but even with all that time off I couldn't get anything done around the house.

I continue to embarrass myself here at work.  The people around me are so smart and I am so incapable by comparison.  The meds I am on must be pretty good b/c I am not constantly thinking of suicide, though the thought comes to mind more frequently than at other times.

I read an article on grief in one of the public magazines.  I am convinced that I am grieving my life for the past 10 - 12years or so.  About the time I stopped being able to do anything home based.

I have gone to the last 4 meetings in a row.  Started going to the Sterling hall.  Some Elder wanted my contact info.  Surprising since I haven't been attending there for long at all.  I wonder what's going on with them.  Why would they be any more on-the-ball than any other congregation I have attended in the last 25 years.  Its kind of weird but I won't be eligible for reinstatement for another 9 months or so.  Consequently it doesn't matter all that much.

I truly hate what I have grown up to become.  I am hugely embarrassed for who and what I have become.  I want to lay down and give up.  I am such a loser.  It is oppressive.  I can just feel my stupidity and bad decisions weighing on me like a heavy blanket.  I can hardly move.  The only thing that can help me now is God, and I keep doing things that make him angry.  It's good that I don't own a gun.

The Broad and Spacious Path

So I'm really trying to do it this time.  Trying to be a real JW.  I've started attending meetings pretty regularly.  Haven't missed one since first week in Jan.  I'm getting text, bbl rdg and prayer going daily.  I think the latter will make
the biggest difference.  Communicating with my son on that daily so that helps a lot.

I still have the porn habit hanging out there and it was a scant 3 weeks ago that I used a rent-a-date.  Oh and then there's the "Let him who thinks he is standing .  .  . " scripture.  So I'll never be confident that the worst is over until I reach perfection.  The penalty for failure is just so high.

Honestly not having another grown-up to talk to is the biggest issue.  Maybe that's not it at all.  Many of the rental dates lately have been rather young, like in the mid 20's.  That's hardly a grown-up.  Of course the other issue comes down to cost.  These rental dates are just not cheap at all.  Sheesh!  Now that's a big help in keeping me on the straight and narrow.  Also with the raiding of some of the business which may have provided useful advertising, that further reduces the probability of failure.  Only marginally though.

I am just a hair's breadth away from ruin though.  Taxes, work pressure, mental stability.  All these are issues that I cannot seem to overcome.  Maybe through prayer, but for now I need to focus on spiritual progress.  I'm not going to survive if I don't.  And all the progress I seem to have made this year will be lost again if I lose focus.  I feel like a recovering alcoholic

Another couple of weeks has past and I did it with an escort, again.  i enjoyed the companionship but the good part wasn't that good.  We went to dinner which worked out really well.  Good conversation and stuff.  We came over afterward and chilled for a while but then decided to move forward near the end.  She was satisfied but I wasn't.  And she was physically irritated.  I felt bad for that and she did as well.

So now I am feeling like I am just done with everything.  All personnel rentals both expensive, very expensive and cheap cuddling is over and done with.  We'll see how long this attitude lasts but I have the sense that this is really the end of all that.  I just can't continue anymore.

Of course that leaves me looking for reinstatement in June 2019.  Not great, but oh well. All my fault.  No one I can reasonably blame but me.  ** Big Sigh **. I am so effing stupid.  I can feel the deep depression coming on.  Nothing is fun.  I have nothing to look forward to.  Just pain.  I have recently been feeling my failures and the pain related thereto very acutely.  It isn't a physical pain but damn, it hurts.  It is so much more serious than a broken leg.

I feel like sleeping all the time now.  I sleep when I go home as soon as I can.  I don't want to wake up and I feel sleepy as soon as I get settled into my office chair.  I find my work boring and want to stop and do something different constantly.  Life is difficult now.  That's part of the challenge.  Failure Spiritually, failure in family, failure at work and failure in relationships.  Nothing that I really look forward to.  No vacation, no assembly, no visits, no sports events, no social events, not even dates with providers like I used to look forward to them.  Now it is just blah.  I mean it is fun, but then again, it really isn't.  God was right all along.  I never should have gone down this road.

Now though, here the frack I am.  Flopping around my life in the throws of death, begging God for help and doing precious little to help myself.  How pathetic.  And I remember when I got out of school, I thought I was some hot sh*t.  How little I knew then.  How worthless I am now.

Got Wild

So I did the escort thing earlier this week.  And no, I didn't stop at just talking.  I got to the room, dropped greeting card and just started undressing like it was perfectly normal.  It was a really supurb session.  (However no money was exchanged for illegal services.)

Now I just feel so very bad.  I went to the meeting.  I thought about my daliance in middle thereof.  I keep thinking about how much longer  I will have to be out before I can get back in now.  My son will be so disappointed in me when he finds out.  I have to work harder to love what is good and hate what is bad.

I really need to focus on filling my time with specific activities so I don't have long stretches of free time, which is when I get into trouble.

I really want to make it this time.  Of course I would have said the same thing all the other times so I have no idea if I am really improving.  There is no "spirituality" scale for df'd people.  I guess there is no such thing for anyone but certain metrics do tell a tale as long as the motivation for the measured activities is reasonably pure.  I am afraid to look actually.  It seems like once I start measuring my progress, I find something to trip over.

I used to dream of immoral things when I was much younger.  I never really broke myself of the habit.  Now the chickens continue to flock homeward and are roosting in every conceivable nook of my being.  Were it not for the fact that with God all things are possible, I'd just throw in the towel. Honestly the only thing that is keeping me doing these bad things is cost.  So I don't really think I am any better than I was.  That is what makes this whole effort so pointless.

I know that I am trying.  I really did.  I still am.  I am not successful which means that I am not getting the help I need.  That has to be my fault.  B/c if one asks God for help in sincerity he will respond with what we need, and apparently at least a little more as well.

D*mn, someone shoot me in the head and get this over with.  No, not really.  I still think I might be able to help my son.   The test is still going on.  I don't want to just quit.  IHMs so very much right now.

A week later now.  Time goes on.  I still regret my decision to do the deed.  I realize now that they probebly won't let me back in until spring 2019.  A year after I did it last.  Oh well.  D*mn.  I F*cked up again.  And now that I know the issue is still inside me, I know there is a good chance I'll completely fall off the wagon and do it again several more times before getting back under control, if that ecer happens.  Honestly I think Armagedon will come first.  I have very little confidence that I can meet God's standards to be able to get his help.  I am just too broken.

Dull Thud of the Boot

So I have been booted out.  Its been announded for a month now.  The immediate pain has begun to subside, but it still hurts pretty bad.  I still dream about wierd things that I believe are related to my excommunication.  I've told a few people now (the rare bird who tries to talk to me) that I'm disfellowshipped.

I am surprised that the "wild" response hasn't kicked in.  You know, like, no point in holding back now, I can spread my wild oats with abandon 'cause what else can they do to me.  I really figured that I'd respond this way, but it's just not happening.  The same pressure to see escorts is there.  But for the same old reason lonliness.  I'm spending time with my kid regularly.  It is cool to hang out with him.  We go to the meetings all the time now and even get together to study.  We've done this twice now.  I hope it keeps up.

Memorial is today.  Don't know what it will be like but I'm sure much like the rest of my life recently.  People have been treating me like I am disfellowshipped for several years now.  It is just that now it is offiial.  And on that rare situation when someone tries to engage me in conversation, I can just stop them in their tracks.  I was surprised at how one woman reacted.  She seemed like a really nice person when she tried to talk to me.  As soon as I said I'm disfellowshipped her whole demeanor changed from outreach to shame for herself.  It is like she was never really interested in me anyway.  She suddenly looked away, trying to see if anyone else saw her talking to a disfellowshipped person.  Interesting, and disappointing.  I suppose God is the one who is rightfully disappointed in me.  After all I am the one who put myself in this situation.

For cryin' out loud.  I hate myself.  IHMs, IHMs ISFHMs!

Fortunately God doesn't hate me.  Of course he hates the things that I do and the things I have done.  But as far as I can tell the way is still open to my return.  I don't know how much longer, but I hope ift is long enough for me to be able to make it back before it is too late.