So I have been booted out. Its been announded for a month now. The immediate pain has begun to subside, but it still hurts pretty bad. I still dream about wierd things that I believe are related to my excommunication. I've told a few people now (the rare bird who tries to talk to me) that I'm disfellowshipped.
I am surprised that the "wild" response hasn't kicked in. You know, like, no point in holding back now, I can spread my wild oats with abandon 'cause what else can they do to me. I really figured that I'd respond this way, but it's just not happening. The same pressure to see escorts is there. But for the same old reason lonliness. I'm spending time with my kid regularly. It is cool to hang out with him. We go to the meetings all the time now and even get together to study. We've done this twice now. I hope it keeps up.
Memorial is today. Don't know what it will be like but I'm sure much like the rest of my life recently. People have been treating me like I am disfellowshipped for several years now. It is just that now it is offiial. And on that rare situation when someone tries to engage me in conversation, I can just stop them in their tracks. I was surprised at how one woman reacted. She seemed like a really nice person when she tried to talk to me. As soon as I said I'm disfellowshipped her whole demeanor changed from outreach to shame for herself. It is like she was never really interested in me anyway. She suddenly looked away, trying to see if anyone else saw her talking to a disfellowshipped person. Interesting, and disappointing. I suppose God is the one who is rightfully disappointed in me. After all I am the one who put myself in this situation.
For cryin' out loud. I hate myself. IHMs, IHMs ISFHMs!
Fortunately God doesn't hate me. Of course he hates the things that I do and the things I have done. But as far as I can tell the way is still open to my return. I don't know how much longer, but I hope ift is long enough for me to be able to make it back before it is too late.
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