I have been dismissed! I am no longer a member if my religion. My new status is jwdf. Of course that's stale news for me. I knew I wasn't doing right for many months now. It is just that it is official now.
I don't know what to do now. I can't have the association that I figured I would have to have to get better. I really hate this, but I know that I deserve it.
I am sitting around nit picking the dismissal process. Thinking about the things that could have, or shouldn't have been said. But the bototm line is that I am out now and it is a long process to get back.
You have to:
1. Wait several months to more than a year.
2. Write a letter requesting reinstatement
3. Get a hearing,
Iterate items 2 & 3 until they let you back in
4. Get reinstated
5. Study with someone ? months
6. Get approval to answer at meetings
7. Get approval to pray at meetings
8. Wait 5 years until after reinstatement.
Then the black marks come off the written records. *'ll be 65 years old minimum by then.
This makes you want to do yourself in. It is strange that I haven't considered that more deeply.
Oddly enough I think God is helping me. I haven't stopped watching porn so logically I think I am just imagining things. But I haven't missed any meetings lately and that is truly freaking amazing. That tells me that I am not imagining things. But still I wonder why he is helping me if I haven't fixed myself.
I still look for "company" on line but the fact that I haven't found a date may be more that I am old fat and black. However it could be God helping me avoid what I clearly should not be doing. Honestly I hope that is the case.
In the mean time I can't work right. I just can't focus my attention well enough and long enough. I have a couple of days of Vacation coming up but I don't know what to do with them.
I sleep too much. I get tired easily. I have no motivation. I am really sinking. Oh d*mn. What will I don now. And in spite of the logical knowledge to the contrary. It really seems like no one cares.
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