Dull Thud of the Boot

So I have been booted out.  Its been announded for a month now.  The immediate pain has begun to subside, but it still hurts pretty bad.  I still dream about wierd things that I believe are related to my excommunication.  I've told a few people now (the rare bird who tries to talk to me) that I'm disfellowshipped.

I am surprised that the "wild" response hasn't kicked in.  You know, like, no point in holding back now, I can spread my wild oats with abandon 'cause what else can they do to me.  I really figured that I'd respond this way, but it's just not happening.  The same pressure to see escorts is there.  But for the same old reason lonliness.  I'm spending time with my kid regularly.  It is cool to hang out with him.  We go to the meetings all the time now and even get together to study.  We've done this twice now.  I hope it keeps up.

Memorial is today.  Don't know what it will be like but I'm sure much like the rest of my life recently.  People have been treating me like I am disfellowshipped for several years now.  It is just that now it is offiial.  And on that rare situation when someone tries to engage me in conversation, I can just stop them in their tracks.  I was surprised at how one woman reacted.  She seemed like a really nice person when she tried to talk to me.  As soon as I said I'm disfellowshipped her whole demeanor changed from outreach to shame for herself.  It is like she was never really interested in me anyway.  She suddenly looked away, trying to see if anyone else saw her talking to a disfellowshipped person.  Interesting, and disappointing.  I suppose God is the one who is rightfully disappointed in me.  After all I am the one who put myself in this situation.

For cryin' out loud.  I hate myself.  IHMs, IHMs ISFHMs!

Fortunately God doesn't hate me.  Of course he hates the things that I do and the things I have done.  But as far as I can tell the way is still open to my return.  I don't know how much longer, but I hope ift is long enough for me to be able to make it back before it is too late.

Boot Print on My Butt

I have been dismissed!  I am no longer a member if my religion.  My new status is jwdf.  Of course that's stale news for me.  I knew I wasn't doing right for many months now.  It is just that it is official now.

I don't know what to do now.  I can't have the association that I figured I would have to have to get better.  I really hate this, but I know that I deserve it.

I am sitting around nit picking the dismissal process.  Thinking about the things that could have, or shouldn't have been said.  But the bototm line is that I am out now and it is a long process to get back.

You have to:

1.  Wait several months to more than a year.
2. Write a letter requesting reinstatement
3. Get a hearing,

Iterate items 2 & 3 until they let you back in

4. Get reinstated
5. Study with someone ? months
6. Get approval to answer at meetings
7.  Get approval to pray at meetings
8.  Wait 5 years until after reinstatement.

Then the black marks come off the written records.  *'ll be 65 years old minimum by then.

This makes you want to do yourself in.  It is strange that I haven't considered that more deeply.

Oddly enough I think God is helping me.  I haven't stopped watching porn so logically I think I am just imagining things.  But I haven't missed any meetings lately and that is truly freaking amazing.  That tells me that I am not imagining things.  But still I wonder why he is helping me if I haven't fixed myself.

I still look for "company" on line but the fact that I haven't found a date may be more that I am old fat and black.  However it could be God helping me avoid what I clearly should not be doing.   Honestly I hope that is the case.

In the mean time I can't work right.  I just can't focus my attention well enough and long enough.  I have a couple of days of Vacation coming up but I don't know what to do with them.

I sleep too much.  I get tired easily.  I have no motivation.  I am really sinking.  Oh d*mn. What will I don now.  And in spite of the logical knowledge to the contrary.  It really seems like no one cares.

Pre-Boot (Boot-out not Boot-up)

The process begins.

So I had the first meeting.  Only one guy was there which was a little disappointing since I was clear that this was a big deal.  They start out with the "How's it goin'" opening and I replied "Not good, that's why you are here."  Anyway they start with all this about we want to help you, which is now falling on rather jaundiced ears (to mix a metaphor.)

Well the bible says that God scurges thosw he loves, so I am psyching myself up to be scourged.  There is no way out.  I am just not in a hurry to get this done.  So after I tell him about the transgression, he calls another deacon and I have to tell him over the phone the nasty details.  Now they both say they want to help but there is no alternative.  I wish I could get it over with but on the other hand I want to push it off as long as possible.  It is like getting ready for a painful workout.  You want to get it over with, but you don't want to get started b/c it is so unpleasant.

So apart from the escort issues there is additional sins I must confess.  Spending the night with a woman.  Now, nothing happened mind you but the last time I transgressed, they told me that sleeping with a woman is considered a "serious sin".  Yea I agree it is a bad idea but I didn't see how they got to the serious sin part scripturally.  They didn't elaborate and I didn't believe their assessment.  Well spring forward many months and when the opportunity came along to do that again there wasn't enough resistance to the idea to keep me from doing it.

I am sure they still believe that this is a "serious sin" so that is just a few more screws (not nails) in my coffin.  I'm done for.

Its Thursday and still no work from the deacons regarding my dismissal hearing (ambiguously referred to as a: committee meeting.)  I'm not planning to remind them that it isn't set up yet.  I want to stretch it out since that lets more time go by since the last time I seriously sinned.  I know they are going to ask.  I'd rather say, yea the last time was 2 months ago, rather than 2 weeks ago.  No, they aren't going to wait 6 weeks to hold the meeting but it has already been almost 7 weeks and if I can strech it out to 10 weeks it will sound less bad.  Such are the ravings of a lunatic.  Arguing for leniency where there is no basis.  I really think I need to be kicked out.  Maybe it will knock some sense into me.  Of course maybe it will make me behave worse now that I am out of the organization officially.

There is no way I am going to survive other than through God's grace.  I really hate myself.

It's Friday and the dismissal hearing is not set.  This is good since the the hearing will probably be on the weekend of Jan 27th.  A good 8 weeks after the last "serious sin" incident.  A pointless exercise in grasping at straws though.  Once it happens that puts the approximatre boot call-out date at the Feb 8.  Always on the date of the first mid week meeting after the 7 day "appeal" period following the decision date.  What's a "boot call-out"?  That's when one of the deacons gets up in front of the congregation and says Neilsonne is not a christian anymore.  Public shaming followed by group shunning.  Oh well, I did the deed, I knew the rules and I have to suffer.  Again, not looking forward to it.  Its just what it is.

I did hear from my son yesterday that he will be in town this saturday.  So we can go to the meeting together.  It will be the 3rd time in a row.  I'm currently 3-3 (<attended> - <missed>) for meetings this year.  Looking forward to getting above 500 if I can make it with the kid tomorrow.  It all just seems so hopeless.  I mean a start is a start.  You have to start to get to where I need to be but when I think of the mountain i have to climb, especially comming out of the hole of excommunication, yea, it seems so hopeless.

*Sigh*😔

The Walking Dead

OK, that title evokes the wrong image.  "Dead Man Walking" is probably much better, though not as eye catching.  Whatever.

So it has been a while since the last post.  Yes I am still in that good paying but awful job.  It has gotten better but I am still in over my head and struggling to stay afloat.

I finally did it with multiple escorts.  Not all at once mind you.  But it is definitely enough to get me kicked out of the congregation.  Apparently the big dogs of the congregation have to at least try to contact dirt bag zeroes like me once per year and one contacted me offering "help."   Yes that unspecified non committal offer of assistance that can me anything from "Keep warm and well fed" to actually a commitment of time on a regular basis.  Of course I am still smarting from the last time I asked for help but was denied.

Anyway I said no (in so many words) and then realized that I really need to get the boot.  So I told him that I've done something bad.  Now that is the key issue that will make them jump through hoops to deal with me.  Anytime I tell them I've been bad, they come flying out of the woodwork to 'help."

In times past that has always meant some form of censure.  Not this time though.  I'm going to get the boot for sure.  No real question.  I find myself hoping I won't but there is no real question in my mind.  I've gone too far, I've touched the sun, I've come undone (but I digress.)

I talked to my kid and told him I'm getting the axe.  He was really sad.  I really just wanted a way to say "goodbye" since I don't know when the end is coming, but I know as well as one can know these things that we both won't make it.  So I wanted to acknowledge the love I had and say the words.

I never quite got there though.  We decided to help each other get to the meetings. So far we are 1 - 1.  I can't see how this will work out.

Meeting with the big dogs is on Saturday.  I keep thinking about what I'm going to say.  I really want to avoid it turning into me discussing how much I feel they could have done for me in the past.  They would see this as me blaming them for my issues.  Of course it isn't like if I avoid that I have a reasonable shot at changing my fate.  I have pretty much decided just to tell them what I did and wait for hammer to fall.  I worry that they will ask bating questions like:

"Why didn't you ask for help?"

"I did"

"How could you do something so terrible?"

"You try living alone with no friends"

"Why did you stop going to the meetings and make friends there?"

"What, like where everyone is having a good time, laughing and talking but people won't so much as make eye contact with me?  Oh yes, why wouldn't I want to be there every time?"
:
See?  There I go again. Been there & done that a hundred times in my mind.  I just got to hold it in on Saturday.  No point in playing that card.  Besides, I know in my heart that this is all my fault at the core.  I didn't get starved unfairly of Holy Spirit (Santos Espiritos.)  God gave me every bit I needed and more.  No one really to blame but me.  Naturally God will not let this go unpunished.  Hence the title.  I'm just waiting for death at his hands.

I still don't want to just say "F*ck it all" and dive into every vice with alacrity.  I don't want to be like that,  If I die, I want my last acts to be good, even if it is too late for me to redeem myself in God's eyes.

God Almighty I hate this, but I brought it on my own head.

(Of course if I think this is bad, just wait until the killin' starts (Armageddon.)  I guess it was thinking about that that made me want to say goodbye to the kid.  I am such a pitiful fool!)

Resignation

I just don't know what to say anymore.  My life is wasted.  I am dead to God because of my really bad sins.  I hate myself, I am loosing motivation to even do the most basic things in life.

I still am toying with escort services.  I talked to one chick who decided I was a cop when I tried to drop off the deposit she requested.  I should have walked away in a huff.  Instead I hung around pining for her to meet in spite of her misgivings.  I must learn never to do that again.  Not for that kind of sh*t.  Now at church, that is expected.  You beg for whatever you want or need.  You keep asking even though the initial answer is no.  And of course I don't do that in church and so people think I'm not worthy of their time or attention.

I just have to learn to go to meetings regardless of how disagreeable it is to be there.  To do it in spite of the fact that I don't want to.  To be so determined that I just do what I need to do (basically going to the meetings at this point) regardless of my feelings to the contrary.  I haven't yet built up the will to do so strong enough to overpower my resistance to going.  I have to Study & Pray for the help to do so.  I haven't been doing enough of that.

So, I think I'm gonna' die.  A victim of Satan and his system, along with my own stupidity.  What a sorry fate awaits me.  They say that it doesn't need to be this way.  That "all I have to do" is turn to God and he will help me to succeed in resisting Satan.  But I haven't yet succeeded in doing so.  I know I don't have much time left, but I'm sure that if I had another 30 years, I'd find a way to screw it up.  Damn!

How are you?

Well time has continued its march and I have continued stagnant.  Actually no, not stagnant regressing.  I have actually done it now, twice.  Once with an escort that I really liked in email but I couldn't get into in person.  The other was great, I mean really great looking and had an interesting perspective.  The sex was great for her but only marginal for me.  I couldn't keep things as stiff as usual.  I never came, either time. 

The whole time with both providers I just kept thinking about how I was doing what was wrong and that I would have to pay for this infraction (besides the money I paid the escorts -- for their time and companionship only.  We made no agreement regarding anything except time and companionship.)  No I will almost assuredly get kicked out of the congregation now.  The big df. 

I have been down all week about it.  It has only stunted my improvement from my depressed state. 

The meds are ok now.  No hands shaking and minimal jumpiness.  Its still there but not nearly as bad as it was. 

I continue to waste every single weekend. 

I mean I am really unhappy now.  No friends, no good prospects for friends.  Soon to be (if not already in principle) out of the congregation.  Life is really looking dark now.  Yes, I know I have much to be thankful for, but I just can't manage to get my arms around the things I need to do. 

I still can't gather the fortitude to get to any meetings.  I keep thinking "I'll go next time for sure."  and then as the time for getting ready approaches, all the energy just drains from my body and I can't get motivated to move a muscle toward the shower, or toward the car.  What a useless sloth I have become.  Useful to no one.  I continue to digress in speech, writing and in life.  There seems to be little hope now.  I don't even pray very much.  Not reading the text.  Reading the bible only occasionally. 

I love the picture for this post.  It is what I feel every time I am in the meeting and someone asks that.  I concluded long ago that people really don't care how you are doing.  It's just a polite thing to say.  If the phrase of greeting was as deep and meaningful as "snarf kufuffelouf gemanison"  it would be just as useful.  No one says that, 'cause that's not the custom.  They say "Hi, how are you"  and you are supposed to respond:  "Fine and you?"  That exchange is just as meaningful as "snarf kufuffelouf" to which the recipient responds "gemanison."  and the exchange is over.  Same amount of information is passed.  Everyone has been polite.

This is really bad, and I don't need a circle of deacons to tell me that.  I can't seem to fix it. 

I still think of ending it all, but it is a distant thought at this point.  I don't think I'd ever get there.  It is like pulling a jar of poison off the shelf and looking at it longingly for a few minutes, realizing that it is a poor choice, and then putting it back on the shelf.  If I was going to end it all, it would have been like 3 years ago.  That was bad.  Probably the worst off I have ever been.  Now it is bad, actually worse spiritually.  Back then I wasn't facing expulsion as I am now.

All this with the constant realization that I have totally wasted my life.  It's all in flames now.  No hope of savior except from God.  Of course there are much larger issues going on in his realm.  I am just nothing, especially given the fact that I chose to be in this situation.  I am not sitting in some military prison for remaining firm for my faith.  I am in this mental prison for giving in to my carnal and material desires.  That's the hell of it.  This is mostly my fault.  I can't blame the 'rents, or the bitch, or the deacons.  This is just me baby.  No body twisted my arm and said go to college, or go to Wilmington DE to work for DuPont.  No one made me take that stinky job in Charlotte or in any one of the other half dozen places I moved to in order to follow my "career" (such that it is.)

Embarassed

Time marches on around me.  I sit still in my spiritual progress hoping that the end is yet 10 years off.  I don't believe that any more.  I think it is like 2 years away.  I just don't know though.

I want to go to meetings but I can't seem to get myself motivated to go.  I'm on Zoloft again.  I can't really feel it but I was (relatively) productive last weekend.  I got an oil change for one car and a slow leak in the tire for another.  I took the dc out to dinner and I didn't go to the meeting or finish the laundry.

Pathetic, but yet and still better than most recent weekends.  DC thinks I should get Arlene an ipad.  I think that's a good idea.  I need to look into it though. 

I am still a f*cking mess and a blithering idiot.  I think about the bad and stupid things I have done recently and I just want to gag, yell, scream in agony over the foolishness I have wrought upon my head.  I am so deeply ashamed.  And then from a spiritual perspective it is all much, much worse.  There seems to be no way out of this mess.  The "brothers" have literally given up on me.  The rest of the congregation follows their lead and stopped touching me with their 10 foot poles. 

i walk around the city at lunch deliberately going by the place where Jw's are doing street work.  Just seeing them is encouraging.  I almost never speak to them though.  I really don't have anything to say.  I wish I could be like them, but I can't seem to bridge that gap.  I so deeply hate myself. 

I got to do some real coding last week.  It made me feel good.  Like I had some skill.  However I realize that any school boy could do the same.  I am so very humiliated in my life and thinking.  I am just so very ashamed.