Resignation

I just don't know what to say anymore.  My life is wasted.  I am dead to God because of my really bad sins.  I hate myself, I am loosing motivation to even do the most basic things in life.

I still am toying with escort services.  I talked to one chick who decided I was a cop when I tried to drop off the deposit she requested.  I should have walked away in a huff.  Instead I hung around pining for her to meet in spite of her misgivings.  I must learn never to do that again.  Not for that kind of sh*t.  Now at church, that is expected.  You beg for whatever you want or need.  You keep asking even though the initial answer is no.  And of course I don't do that in church and so people think I'm not worthy of their time or attention.

I just have to learn to go to meetings regardless of how disagreeable it is to be there.  To do it in spite of the fact that I don't want to.  To be so determined that I just do what I need to do (basically going to the meetings at this point) regardless of my feelings to the contrary.  I haven't yet built up the will to do so strong enough to overpower my resistance to going.  I have to Study & Pray for the help to do so.  I haven't been doing enough of that.

So, I think I'm gonna' die.  A victim of Satan and his system, along with my own stupidity.  What a sorry fate awaits me.  They say that it doesn't need to be this way.  That "all I have to do" is turn to God and he will help me to succeed in resisting Satan.  But I haven't yet succeeded in doing so.  I know I don't have much time left, but I'm sure that if I had another 30 years, I'd find a way to screw it up.  Damn!