The Walking Dead

OK, that title evokes the wrong image.  "Dead Man Walking" is probably much better, though not as eye catching.  Whatever.

So it has been a while since the last post.  Yes I am still in that good paying but awful job.  It has gotten better but I am still in over my head and struggling to stay afloat.

I finally did it with multiple escorts.  Not all at once mind you.  But it is definitely enough to get me kicked out of the congregation.  Apparently the big dogs of the congregation have to at least try to contact dirt bag zeroes like me once per year and one contacted me offering "help."   Yes that unspecified non committal offer of assistance that can me anything from "Keep warm and well fed" to actually a commitment of time on a regular basis.  Of course I am still smarting from the last time I asked for help but was denied.

Anyway I said no (in so many words) and then realized that I really need to get the boot.  So I told him that I've done something bad.  Now that is the key issue that will make them jump through hoops to deal with me.  Anytime I tell them I've been bad, they come flying out of the woodwork to 'help."

In times past that has always meant some form of censure.  Not this time though.  I'm going to get the boot for sure.  No real question.  I find myself hoping I won't but there is no real question in my mind.  I've gone too far, I've touched the sun, I've come undone (but I digress.)

I talked to my kid and told him I'm getting the axe.  He was really sad.  I really just wanted a way to say "goodbye" since I don't know when the end is coming, but I know as well as one can know these things that we both won't make it.  So I wanted to acknowledge the love I had and say the words.

I never quite got there though.  We decided to help each other get to the meetings. So far we are 1 - 1.  I can't see how this will work out.

Meeting with the big dogs is on Saturday.  I keep thinking about what I'm going to say.  I really want to avoid it turning into me discussing how much I feel they could have done for me in the past.  They would see this as me blaming them for my issues.  Of course it isn't like if I avoid that I have a reasonable shot at changing my fate.  I have pretty much decided just to tell them what I did and wait for hammer to fall.  I worry that they will ask bating questions like:

"Why didn't you ask for help?"

"I did"

"How could you do something so terrible?"

"You try living alone with no friends"

"Why did you stop going to the meetings and make friends there?"

"What, like where everyone is having a good time, laughing and talking but people won't so much as make eye contact with me?  Oh yes, why wouldn't I want to be there every time?"
:
See?  There I go again. Been there & done that a hundred times in my mind.  I just got to hold it in on Saturday.  No point in playing that card.  Besides, I know in my heart that this is all my fault at the core.  I didn't get starved unfairly of Holy Spirit (Santos Espiritos.)  God gave me every bit I needed and more.  No one really to blame but me.  Naturally God will not let this go unpunished.  Hence the title.  I'm just waiting for death at his hands.

I still don't want to just say "F*ck it all" and dive into every vice with alacrity.  I don't want to be like that,  If I die, I want my last acts to be good, even if it is too late for me to redeem myself in God's eyes.

God Almighty I hate this, but I brought it on my own head.

(Of course if I think this is bad, just wait until the killin' starts (Armageddon.)  I guess it was thinking about that that made me want to say goodbye to the kid.  I am such a pitiful fool!)