Embarassed

Time marches on around me.  I sit still in my spiritual progress hoping that the end is yet 10 years off.  I don't believe that any more.  I think it is like 2 years away.  I just don't know though.

I want to go to meetings but I can't seem to get myself motivated to go.  I'm on Zoloft again.  I can't really feel it but I was (relatively) productive last weekend.  I got an oil change for one car and a slow leak in the tire for another.  I took the dc out to dinner and I didn't go to the meeting or finish the laundry.

Pathetic, but yet and still better than most recent weekends.  DC thinks I should get Arlene an ipad.  I think that's a good idea.  I need to look into it though. 

I am still a f*cking mess and a blithering idiot.  I think about the bad and stupid things I have done recently and I just want to gag, yell, scream in agony over the foolishness I have wrought upon my head.  I am so deeply ashamed.  And then from a spiritual perspective it is all much, much worse.  There seems to be no way out of this mess.  The "brothers" have literally given up on me.  The rest of the congregation follows their lead and stopped touching me with their 10 foot poles. 

i walk around the city at lunch deliberately going by the place where Jw's are doing street work.  Just seeing them is encouraging.  I almost never speak to them though.  I really don't have anything to say.  I wish I could be like them, but I can't seem to bridge that gap.  I so deeply hate myself. 

I got to do some real coding last week.  It made me feel good.  Like I had some skill.  However I realize that any school boy could do the same.  I am so very humiliated in my life and thinking.  I am just so very ashamed.