Prayer 20170228 0740 Hours

Sometimes I can't collect my thoughts and pray at the same time, so I decided to write this one down:

Oh dear God, what have I done with my life.  It is just a mess; I am headed for another major failure.  I can't get myself to the meetings and I am seeing cuddlists for the personal comfort and nuzzling that I need.  However it exposes me to danger in some sense.  I am not comfortable with the practice but I feel like I need it, but I am sure it is similar to, but not as strong as, the need of an addict for their drug of choice, be it alcohol, heroin or coffee.

I have chosen badly, electing Satan's world over yours.  I have suffered and I'll suffer more yet.  I have felt the absence of joy and hope poignantly.  It cuts deep into my soul.  But like a monkey with his hand in a capture jar, I can't let go.  I can feel my resistance to Satan's siren song fading, as much as I want to hold to cold logic.  Logic that says serve Jehovah with all your strength.

But I listen to Satan's music, I work in his world I entertain myself with his media and I visit his escorts.  No wonder I am failing.  No wonder I can't get to the meetings.

But what now, Jehovah, how do I make myself turn to you, listen to your voice and maybe one day serve you more than the previous day each day forward.  Honestly it seems impossible.  I know it is not impossible to you, but since the elders have given up on me, I haven't been successful.  I guess I do blame them some, even as cold logic and real evidence tells me that I am primarily to blame.  This morass is of my own doing.  I hate myself for it. 

Thank you for the good things and I am really glad mom and dad will enjoy a great life.  Please help them forget about me if I don't make it.  Help Wendy carry on as well, please.  I am so deeply ashamed of myself.  I ache at heart and want to hide myself from you.  But that's worse than continuing to try, even weakly.  I wonder if this is how Adam felt. 

For now my request is simple, please help me get to the meeting today. 

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.