Here the Frack We Go Again!

And look, here I am again.  Today with a new set of issues and details of Satan's latest attack on this helpless poor dumb bastard (not literally a bastard.)

Someone with whom i flirted in a previous life returned to consciousness and I reached out to her.  As it turns out, she recently divorced her husband and forced him out of her life.  Not that she didn't have cause and I certainly don't know off the details.  So she may actually still be married by God's reckoning. 

So far we have emailed, messaged on social media, texted and soon we plan to talk on the phone.  I am already proposing that she visit soon.  And of course there is a kid, younger than mine when I moved to DC.  I am watching myself trot merrily into the furnace. Oh my God, can you save me from my own stupidity?  Apparently not when that stupidity is persistent.  Hell, just look at the misery that is my life. 

So now I spend my days anticipating what our first meeting will be like, how long it will be before we end up in bed together and what it will be like for me and for my relations when I am kicked out of the religion.  All the bad results that I know are sure to follow have not been enough to stem the tide of action.  I suppose I believe I can rake fire into myself and not get burned.   How very stupid.  I did pray once for God's help, but then immediately forgot and behaved as if I never said a word.

You are so very stupid.  In the literal sense of the word.  You have the knowledge.  You know what you are doing wrong, you know how to avoid this situation.  And yet you continue down the path to do the wrong thing.  That's what biblical people call "stupid." 

My head hurts.  I am getting sick.  I hate myself.  Depression is coming back.  It won't be long before I am suicidal again.  I just need some help, and the people to whom I ask for it are not responding quickly if at all.

Satan 12,039  Mark 3

The thing is I know what to do but with the depression coming back, I haven't been successful in making myself follow through.

Can't Feel the Bottom Yet

So I am really struggling physically.  I can't sleep well at night.  I get really tired at work and if I am in a meeting and I don't really understand all the notions being presented, i just get really sleepy.  I have to bring a drink (not just water) to keep myself awake in meetings longer than 1/2 hour.  That's bad. 

I run out of juice around 3:00 PM and struggle to be productive the rest of the day.  I hate, hate, hate this but what else am I going to do? 

One of the deacons (cheese staff)  called me the other day.  He wants to meet.  I don't because these things always get me thinking that maybe they can help, but they haven't helped much so as I can discern.  That's not to say that they haven't (or aren't) saved(ing) my life.  Such may be the case and I'm just too stupid or ignorant to know it.  I'll meet with them if they want, but I don't think it will help and it may actually hurt by raising false expectations.  I keep figuring that it must be my fault.  I mean if these dudes are so ineffective to everyone I think it would be difficult for people to give them the respect they enjoy.  Of course the respect may result more from their position than their actual assistance value.  What I see is that they poke me once or twice a year and then vanish for the other 50 weeks of the year. 

I am spacing frequently now.  That is that I find myself staring off into space and daydreaming about something unrelated to work.  In meetings when I am really trying to pay strict attention, when I am spacing I really think I am briefly (hopefully) falling asleep.  So, its bad. 

I wish I could change this.  Find a way to make this go away. 

Right now I like my current method of lifting my spirits, that is seeing escorts.  Unfortunately it is just too terribly expensive.  I just can't keep doing this.  I have sort of decided that 1 grand every 2 months is doable, but man, that's still a whole lot of cash.

I am still falling spiritually.  I have pretty much stopped going to meetings.  I hope I hit bottom soon; that is to say I hope that the bottom is not too far away from where I am now.  I mean it's still a long way down to apostasy, but a dis-fellowshipping offence (really pretty much anything for me) is very close.  One meeting with a provider that goes well (or badly spiritually) could put me out (further out) of the organization for years.  See, once I'm out I know I'll do things that I've wanted to do all along.  So yea, this is really bad.

So I anticipate I'll meet with the cheese on Sunday afternoon and be down in the dumps again on Sunday evening.  I just don't see it happening any other way.  I just don't want to think about it anymore, lest I get my hopes up.

I wish I could think of something I want to do; something fun, that I can do alone.  I just can't think of anything (other than the obvious.)

I so freaking hate myself, my life, my attitude, my body, my job, my weak ass eyes and my bad teeth.  I hate it all.  I know what's wrong (I don't love God) but I can't seem to fix it.  Sh*t, this is bad. 

I still use eHarmony and Tender.  I never get any lasting responses there.  I respond to hundreds and get responses in the low single digits.  Nothing is ever going to happen there.  I am sure I'll eventually get bored with it and just stop.  

And Back Down We Go

So I am in the new position.  Its a cube when I have been used to an office for 8 years.  Everything is very nice, it's like an 8x8 cube with low walls, maybe 4' high.  There is glass on at the top 6".  Walls on 3 sides and a short stub on the other so there isn't even a doorway.   If you can't tell by the way I've described it, I don't like it.  Not that it is poor quality, its really great.  I just feel so diminutive.  I see 20 something people not much more than 3 years into their career sitting next to me.  It really makes me feel badly since here I am nearing retirement nd I don't rate any more than this.  Its one of the worst cubes on the floor.  Not near a window, next to an aisle, far from my colleagues.  So the little twenty somethings at the start of their career, have better locations than I do.

This job started well but I am now having serious questions about whether this job is a good fit.  People don't enjoin me in discussions and the tasks I am given are literally crumbs.  I'm supposed to be replacing a techy consultant.  He is really good and is a very nice guy; he is not good at training others.  And he is out on vacation for the next 3 weeks.  I just don't know what to expect. 

We have a lot of employee engagement sessions which is good.  But I missed one really fun event due to an emergency dr's appt.  I missed  the start of another and ended up taking the last seat between two people.  I was unable to engage anyone in conversation on either side or across the table so after sitting there for 20 minutes or so listening to other people's conversations, I just got up and left. 

The next event is a birthday party.  Sh*t. 

I do think that they have a legitimate winter party rather than a Christmas party, We'll see if there is a secret santa program or a tree at the event.  Probably is, but oh well.

The work could be really good,  I will have a much more technical role so I am nervous about that, but excited to be able to re-sharpen tech skills.  The cube spaces all filled up near the team I am working with so I am a lone dude in another section of the office.  People stopped by when I first showed up but generally people I work with don't come by anymore.  People feel free to cut me off in meetings already and have no qualms about scheduling meetings on top of meetings I already had in place.

This place is one of the nicest places to work for in DC and I'm unhappy thus far.  What does that say about me.

So I finally broke down and got a big screen TV, 55" Samsung curved screen.  A great deal at 650 USD, regular price over 1K.  Some damn promotion or another.  That was 3 weeks ago and it still isn't set up.  I took it out of the box last weekend.  I started hooking up the AV receiver that I had from a year or two ago, along with speakers of the same epoch.  Ran out of speaker wire.  Discovered that the audio cables are too short and realized I don't have all the hdmi cables I need.  .


Stale news, I ordered all that crap and it is trickling in.  (Oh and I forgot the subwoofer; that's on its way as well.)  Next is the discovery that I'll need a Bluetooth connection for the receiver, and that all the components I wanted to include in the system really don't fit with the location/use I have.  So the turntable, satellite radio, cd/cassette (!?) recorder/player has to go in another area of the condo.  Oh yea, and I'll need another receiver/flatscreen TV for that space. 

How the f*ck did I get here.

I finally gave up the war game I was playing for hours on end.  Its been a few weeks and this time I think it is gone for good.  Yea!.  So I went out and bought a Surface so that I could take notes more efficiently at the convention.  The promotion that week was a free X-Box.  Yea, what?  Sh*t!  of course I haven't hooked that up yet either so we'll see how long I can stay away from violent video games. 

I'm finding that I just lack motivation for almost anything these days.  Let's not talk about my house in Marion or Martinsville.

My new pastime is looking at women on eHarmony and tender.  They write me back less than 1% of the time, hence the phrase "looking at women" rather than something more fun like actively interacting.  So I have actually chatted a few times but out of the 500 or so women I've swiped right or matched on eHarmony, I think I have had maybe 2 real conversations and 0 actual meetings.  I'm paid up for 6 months / 1 year on eHarmony / tender.  So I'll keep going until my membership runs out(unless I loose motivation.) 

House cleaning is sliding.  The countertops are usually messy and/or dirty.  None of the couches are clear.  The bed hasn't been clear for many years now.  Not even half of it. 

The bad feeling is coming back.  I'm feeling sad all the time.  I'm never happy.  I sit down at the convention ready to take notes on my new surface tablet and the words that occur to me at the starting gate are:  "Let the bludgeoning begin"  Talk after talk they tell me about my failures, mistakes and hold up the example of people so much better than me there is literally nothing that I can do for them; even if they are poor.

How did the song go?  "Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again .  .  ."

This life has been like a roller coaster.  I was at the highest point at the start of my career, and I've gone down and up and up and down and around.  But always the highs are not as high as they were at first.  The lows keep getting lower.  And all the while, I choose not to return to Jehovah.  The God I really need to connect with. 

I don't have enough strength to grab hold.  And if perchance I do, I can't hang on long enough to make a difference.  And its mostly my fault.  It did not have to be this way.  I hate this, I hate my life, I hate myself.  And here I am again, considering the final option.

Underwear

As the previous post mentioned I kept an appointment with an escort in early June.  As mentioned it was great, but very costly.  I can see maybe doing this once a quarter, but not more frequently than that.  At 1100, it is simply not something I am willing to do very often.  But honestly it is the only large expenditures that I consider later with fondness.  I have bought lots of stuff, that I later never or rarely use.  I very nearly bought another computer.  A very nice slim unit with plenty of power in a compact form; but again, what am I going to do with it that I cannot do with my current models, really nothing.

Without a job my life is circling around nothing.  Watching TV, porn and then topping it off with a jack session.  It is very empty and unsatisfying.  I joined a dating site but I'm not getting any serious responses.  Really.  Not too hard to imagine given my lack of success in the real world.  I guess it just feels like another nail in the coffin.

I have no solution, maybe just a plan to feel better about myself.  I say give myself 6 months to go out with my new escort and enjoy that relationship.  It is not sustainable in the long term but at once a month and 1300 (including dinner + hotel) per incident I could keep it up for that long.  Then maybe that would give me the internal peace to go off make a success of other areas in my life.

Obviously no one is going to recommend this course.  It has all the hallmarks of a mistake, but honestly I can't make myself do the things I should be doing so maybe allowing this "indulgence" will satisfy the internal needs that distract me from doing the really important things.

------------------------  Break  --------------------

So during the break I made arrangements to see my new favorite escort again in mid july.  Groan -- well shit! I am tired of doing the same thing expecting a different outcome.

Here is the anticipated breakdown:

Meal:  150
Companionship services (exclusive of any other activities:)  900
Hotel:  110

Total:  1160

Someone shoot me!

But again, this is one of the few things I will truly be looking forward to doing this summer.

This escort suggested I get the old battle ax to make an apple pie.  I was gushing about her cooking the last time we met.  I had a lot of weird feelings about doing that and had decided not to.  Then the bitch (THE bitch, certainly not my escort) calls me out of the blue and asks some inane question that I didn't want to answer.  So I respond "Why do you need to know" at which point she turns green, my phone gets slimy and I can see the fangs protruding.  Typical response.  I kept my cool though and ultimately agreed that I'll tell her what she wants to know if she makes the apple pie.

================   Break   ================

So now I am in full on "idolize" mode.  I am looking at clothes (mostly underwear) for my escort and dreaming of possible ways the date might go.  Lounging around her place with her in very relaxed state of mind and dress (not undressed just comfortably attired.)  Possibly watching a mentally stimulating (in an educational sort of way) TV program.  I just bought a set of MeUndies for her.  A full set, boy shorts, tee, socks and lounge pants.  I'm hopeless.

Resigned to Failure

So what does it look like when the neilsonnemeister comes undone?  Well I spent hundreds of dollars on dating sites.  Two to be specific, eHarmony and Tender.  Neither has proved to be effective in scoring an opportunity.  I go through the motions on each site, but I am only interested in the hottest women, and of course, from their perspective I am just one in a million dudes.  I don't stand out in any positive way.  I am sure to most of them I am just a old black guy and they swipe left.

I am back in the usual mix of porn and jack.  I seem to be headed to a twice a week routine.

The big news of the week is that I did a date with a provider last Friday.  It was a 2 hour thing.  I had a really good time and I think she did as well.  At least her assistant seemed to indicate as much.   Of course I sense a new challenge now.

When I did this before I climbed on a high that lasted for weeks or at least several days.  This high wasn't as intense and lasted for several hours.  The magic is over, but, as is usually the case with addictive substances or practices, I want more.  I really think that if I don't stop soon, I will be pulled into this thing and end up fornicating before I come up for air again.  That would be really bad.  Honestly I think that is what the bitch wants.  I wish I was strong enough to say "F*ck her" and then go off and do the right thing,  That isn't happening though.  I have identified 4 providers whose sites really speak to my soul.  I sometimes bring all 4 sites up in a browser session.  The only thing really holding me back is the extreme cost.  Last Friday night I spent 1100 USD to have that enjoyment (of her time and companionship only, seriously.)  It was fun. Really fun,  I am not sure it was $1100 worth of fun.  What could I have done with that Money?

A new dryer, a new big screen (moderately big) TV, All manner of work on my house.  The list of possibilities goes on and on.

The choices I made leave me to a very sucky life situation.  I hate it but I can't break away.  The cheeses don't seem to want to help in a meaningful way anymore.  That is, they won't study with me.  One just invited me out in FS again for the first time in 6 - 10 weeks.  Of course I am sick (legitimately so.)

The thing I really don't get is that whenever I am in a situation such that I really start trying for several weeks, all I ever seem to feel is rejection.  I have been out of work for 4 months now.  Finally someone cares enough to invite me out in FS.  It is unfortunate that I am sick.  But I really thought that people would have been more supportive.  It is not like I hid the fact that I am out of work.

Of course this is really all my fault.  If I know how to find out where and when the meeting for field service is.  I just wasn't interested enough to find out much less so enough to actually get myself out there.  I just need to make a plan and stick  to it.  It must incorporate a little (perhaps very little) of each of the primary elements.  Study, meetings, prayer and service.  Starting with the first 3 with a goal to add the 4th.  

That will automatically lead to association (some would say the 5th necessary component but it really isn't; it d*mn sure makes things easier though.)  Anyway, I think it will be a test of my will.  Not just to do the things listed but to stop doing the bad things (READ porn and jack and the growing possibility of dating non Jw's.) so that I have enough HS (Sanctus Espiritus as identified in the Within Temptation song) to keep up with the practices long enough for the good feelings (wanting to be at the meeting, wanting to go out in FS, wanting to associate with these people, and them wanting to include me in their cliques) to entrain me along into God's (and secondarily the congregation's) good graces.  Based on my ongoing failure, the possibility seems very remote.  We'll have to see what happens next.

I suppose I just don't pray enough, study enough, go to meetings enough to make that reaction self sustaining.  Of course throw in the HS sucking practices and one can see why it isn't working.

So I feel like I just can't get there from here.  Especially with the Elders telling me that they won't study with me anymore.  I imagine that must be HS talking but it feels like they are being punitive.  You aren't making enough progress so we aren't going to study with you.  That's their prerogative I suppose.  Who am I to argue with it.  I am just a pissant little spiritual zero.  They are the mighty elders, men of fame.

Ok that was bad.  I shouldn't talk about them in such disrespectful terms.  I am not going to delete it because it is what is in my mind.  I am sure, and I sincerely hope that I am wrong in thinking that.  Even if I am not and this is in fact what is going on, then God knows it and he can give me the strength to deal with it.  He may also know that all the porn I watched has left my mind hopelessly twisted and I am simply not fit to  comment at meetings at this point.  Maybe never.


Oh well, nothing left to do but to keep going.  Meeting tomorrow.  I should listen/watch this month's broadcast.  It seems so pointless, but what else am I going to do ?

Undone

So I just got my first rejection this week.  It hurt more than I expected.  Probably because I really wanted that job.  It would make me feel important again.

I am searching for an appropriate escort again.  Not to justify my actions but to explain why:

I have tried (albeit only through my presence) to get along with people in the congregation.  I am polite, but don't approach most people.  People avoid me, pretend I'm not there, find sudden intensity in their own conversation, or whatever else is needed to avoid eye contact.

The "guardians" know they have to say something so I get the "Hi, hiya doin'?" from them followed by the obligatory question about how the job search is going.  It's all so damn predictable and involves no real outreach on their part.  Well, maybe verbalizing anything in my putrid direction is as much outreach as they can bring themselves to muster.

When I complained about it (spurred on by their own questions) they told me that I was the problem and I needed to be nicer.  Well I am sure that must be true, but I don't have the skills to fix it.  Even so if I would just to FS then everything would be better.

In any case I am essentially void of human interaction now that I am unemployed.  So, as I reach out for human interaction, they are a viable option.  The cost is extreme though,

So I have given up on God.  I know he would help me but I have not done his will and allowed myself to be exhausted by failing to rely on him.  I am in the process of making arrangements to see 2 escorts and go on a speed dating event.  Bad Ideas all but since I wasn't studying, praying, going out in FS and now I am starting to miss meetings, I was in a weakened state and make these bad choices.

It may prove to be my undoing.  Reminds me of the "Guess Who" song, the poignant lyrics of which are:

It's too late
She's gone too far
She's lost the sun
She's come undone
copyright <a href="http://elyrics.net">http://elyrics.net</a>

Of course my predicament is particularly pathetic.  Later lyrics provide reason for this woman's loss.  They continue:

Too many mountains
and not enough stairs to climb
Too many churches
and not enough truth
Too many people
and not enough eyes to see
Too many lives
to lead and not enough time
copyright <a href="http://elyrics.net">http://elyrics.net</a>

I don't get to use any of these excuses.  I know the Truth.  I've had two score years to figure this out.  I have the answers to life's mountains and see right through the issues down to the source of all my troubles.  And yet, I step right into them.  Trying to do my own thing I guess.  Not wanting to take the hard road and square my situation with God. 

May 28, 2016 (29 years since my high school graduation) now I've come undone.

Gratitude #2: Knowledge of God

Heart brimming with spit and venom I am trying to turn over a new leaf.  Actually since my first post dedicated to showing gratitude and appreciation for the good in my life I actually feel a little better generally speaking.  Of course that may  be because I have also been praying and studying my bible more.  Focusing on gratitude for a few minutes a day may also be helpful. 

Actually I feel kind of bad that today's topic wasn't the first one I chose since it is actually the most important.  Nonetheless it is #2 in chronological order:  Knowing who God is.

Lots of people will instinctively say "Oh yes I know God.  I pray to Him." Some would say Her but I find that nearly blasphemous since biblically speaking in a marriage union the man is the "head" of the woman.  Anyone who wants to debate that can certainly do so but I'm not going to try and defend that statement since the bible does a more than adequate job of doing so.  If you don't like it, that's fine.  God doesn't demand that you believe me or that you read the bible for that matter.  Not all who do believe it.  God leaves that to the individual so far be it from me to attempt to force my beliefs on anyone.  I am just saying what they are and noting that it comes from the bible.

But I digress.  My point is not do discuss the appropriate gender of the pronouns referencing God Almighty, rather it is to say that I am glad that I know who He is.  I don't want to turn this into an online sermon.  So I won't spend any time justifying my position with scripture (unless I happen to know it off the top of my head.)  If someone wants to discuss this personally I'd be happy to do so, but for the purpose of this post I'd just like to stick to the fact that I am grateful to know him and why.

God promises to right the wrongs perpetrated on the earth.  Bible readers will know that God has temporarily allowed other influences on the earth as can be clearly seen with all the wars, poverty, corruption, et cetera.  A casual perusal of nearly many major news outlets bears witness to that.  Many blame God but I believe he had good reason his course.  It seems that most people have been duped into not following God's standards.  They are pretty tough by modern standards.  No smokin', recreational drugs, chasing women (with all the immorality a 21st century main stream American might imagine).  Of course that is just a sampling and it is by no means exhaustive.  Beyond that there is all kinds of stuff he expects as is espoused at Matthew 24:14 or Matthew 28:19, 20.  Still more when there are scriptures that say we should love our enemies and pray for those persecuting you.  So doing God's will is Hard. 

Of course he helps us along which is why prayer is so important.

What's the up side?  John 17:3.  Not bad, actually it is more than humans deserve.  Of course I didn't really believe this when I was a kid.  If you had asked me I would have said that I believed but my actions proved different.  Even now I still look back at the things I will have to leave behind if I keep trying sincerely to serve God.  They are legion.  I don't know if I will do it.  I certainly can do so with God's help but I have not before now chosen to hold on to that assistance he offers for an extended period of time (certainly not more than 5 years consistently in a row since becoming an adult.) 

All that aside though, I know who God is, and a little bit about what he expects of us.  That puts me ahead of oh, I don't know, maybe 90% of the earth's population.  It doesn't put me into the end zone but at least I know the vector.  A lot of folks try to serve God and run in the completely wrong direction. 

I was watching a TV show not long ago and I again found myself envious of the position occupied by one of the show's characters; in a position to work hard and do good on a large and important scale.  I have for a few years now come to realize that I am just not intelligent enough to serve in prestigious capacities in this country.  It just takes me too long to learn and I didn't get a good start (from a secular perspective.)  However knowing God is far more valuable than that.  If he chooses to retake control of the earth in my lifetime, then I am way ahead of all those high livin' folks who know how to make it in the world in which we currently live. 

There are a few who know God, serve God and who have prestigious careers as well.  I thought that was going to be me when I was a kid.  What I found is that at my intelligence level, I could not do both.  I erred heavily on the side of prestige and stopped serving God for many years.  I am still not in good standing in what I understand to be the organization he is using to promulgate his message on the earth today.  Nonetheless my  recent loss of employment has given me a little bit of time to stop and gain perspective on what I was doing with my life.  I hate what I am now and hope that I can use the extra time to myself to start serving God again.  It will be a challenge and I have a long way to go, but at least I have gotten started, again.