So I am really struggling physically. I can't sleep well at night. I get really tired at work and if I am in a meeting and I don't really understand all the notions being presented, i just get really sleepy. I have to bring a drink (not just water) to keep myself awake in meetings longer than 1/2 hour. That's bad.
I run out of juice around 3:00 PM and struggle to be productive the rest of the day. I hate, hate, hate this but what else am I going to do?
One of the deacons (cheese staff) called me the other day. He wants to meet. I don't because these things always get me thinking that maybe they can help, but they haven't helped much so as I can discern. That's not to say that they haven't (or aren't) saved(ing) my life. Such may be the case and I'm just too stupid or ignorant to know it. I'll meet with them if they want, but I don't think it will help and it may actually hurt by raising false expectations. I keep figuring that it must be my fault. I mean if these dudes are so ineffective to everyone I think it would be difficult for people to give them the respect they enjoy. Of course the respect may result more from their position than their actual assistance value. What I see is that they poke me once or twice a year and then vanish for the other 50 weeks of the year.
I am spacing frequently now. That is that I find myself staring off into space and daydreaming about something unrelated to work. In meetings when I am really trying to pay strict attention, when I am spacing I really think I am briefly (hopefully) falling asleep. So, its bad.
I wish I could change this. Find a way to make this go away.
Right now I like my current method of lifting my spirits, that is seeing escorts. Unfortunately it is just too terribly expensive. I just can't keep doing this. I have sort of decided that 1 grand every 2 months is doable, but man, that's still a whole lot of cash.
I am still falling spiritually. I have pretty much stopped going to meetings. I hope I hit bottom soon; that is to say I hope that the bottom is not too far away from where I am now. I mean it's still a long way down to apostasy, but a dis-fellowshipping offence (really pretty much anything for me) is very close. One meeting with a provider that goes well (or badly spiritually) could put me out (further out) of the organization for years. See, once I'm out I know I'll do things that I've wanted to do all along. So yea, this is really bad.
So I anticipate I'll meet with the cheese on Sunday afternoon and be down in the dumps again on Sunday evening. I just don't see it happening any other way. I just don't want to think about it anymore, lest I get my hopes up.
I wish I could think of something I want to do; something fun, that I can do alone. I just can't think of anything (other than the obvious.)
I so freaking hate myself, my life, my attitude, my body, my job, my weak ass eyes and my bad teeth. I hate it all. I know what's wrong (I don't love God) but I can't seem to fix it. Sh*t, this is bad.
I still use eHarmony and Tender. I never get any lasting responses there. I respond to hundreds and get responses in the low single digits. Nothing is ever going to happen there. I am sure I'll eventually get bored with it and just stop.
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