So what does it look like when the neilsonnemeister comes undone? Well I spent hundreds of dollars on dating sites. Two to be specific, eHarmony and Tender. Neither has proved to be effective in scoring an opportunity. I go through the motions on each site, but I am only interested in the hottest women, and of course, from their perspective I am just one in a million dudes. I don't stand out in any positive way. I am sure to most of them I am just a old black guy and they swipe left.
I am back in the usual mix of porn and jack. I seem to be headed to a twice a week routine.
The big news of the week is that I did a date with a provider last Friday. It was a 2 hour thing. I had a really good time and I think she did as well. At least her assistant seemed to indicate as much. Of course I sense a new challenge now.
When I did this before I climbed on a high that lasted for weeks or at least several days. This high wasn't as intense and lasted for several hours. The magic is over, but, as is usually the case with addictive substances or practices, I want more. I really think that if I don't stop soon, I will be pulled into this thing and end up fornicating before I come up for air again. That would be really bad. Honestly I think that is what the bitch wants. I wish I was strong enough to say "F*ck her" and then go off and do the right thing, That isn't happening though. I have identified 4 providers whose sites really speak to my soul. I sometimes bring all 4 sites up in a browser session. The only thing really holding me back is the extreme cost. Last Friday night I spent 1100 USD to have that enjoyment (of her time and companionship only, seriously.) It was fun. Really fun, I am not sure it was $1100 worth of fun. What could I have done with that Money?
A new dryer, a new big screen (moderately big) TV, All manner of work on my house. The list of possibilities goes on and on.
The choices I made leave me to a very sucky life situation. I hate it but I can't break away. The cheeses don't seem to want to help in a meaningful way anymore. That is, they won't study with me. One just invited me out in FS again for the first time in 6 - 10 weeks. Of course I am sick (legitimately so.)
The thing I really don't get is that whenever I am in a situation such that I really start trying for several weeks, all I ever seem to feel is rejection. I have been out of work for 4 months now. Finally someone cares enough to invite me out in FS. It is unfortunate that I am sick. But I really thought that people would have been more supportive. It is not like I hid the fact that I am out of work.
Of course this is really all my fault. If I know how to find out where and when the meeting for field service is. I just wasn't interested enough to find out much less so enough to actually get myself out there. I just need to make a plan and stick to it. It must incorporate a little (perhaps very little) of each of the primary elements. Study, meetings, prayer and service. Starting with the first 3 with a goal to add the 4th.
That will automatically lead to association (some would say the 5th necessary component but it really isn't; it d*mn sure makes things easier though.) Anyway, I think it will be a test of my will. Not just to do the things listed but to stop doing the bad things (READ porn and jack and the growing possibility of dating non Jw's.) so that I have enough HS (Sanctus Espiritus as identified in the Within Temptation song) to keep up with the practices long enough for the good feelings (wanting to be at the meeting, wanting to go out in FS, wanting to associate with these people, and them wanting to include me in their cliques) to entrain me along into God's (and secondarily the congregation's) good graces. Based on my ongoing failure, the possibility seems very remote. We'll have to see what happens next.
I suppose I just don't pray enough, study enough, go to meetings enough to make that reaction self sustaining. Of course throw in the HS sucking practices and one can see why it isn't working.
So I feel like I just can't get there from here. Especially with the Elders telling me that they won't study with me anymore. I imagine that must be HS talking but it feels like they are being punitive. You aren't making enough progress so we aren't going to study with you. That's their prerogative I suppose. Who am I to argue with it. I am just a pissant little spiritual zero. They are the mighty elders, men of fame.
Ok that was bad. I shouldn't talk about them in such disrespectful terms. I am not going to delete it because it is what is in my mind. I am sure, and I sincerely hope that I am wrong in thinking that. Even if I am not and this is in fact what is going on, then God knows it and he can give me the strength to deal with it. He may also know that all the porn I watched has left my mind hopelessly twisted and I am simply not fit to comment at meetings at this point. Maybe never.
Oh well, nothing left to do but to keep going. Meeting tomorrow. I should listen/watch this month's broadcast. It seems so pointless, but what else am I going to do ?
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