Undone

So I just got my first rejection this week.  It hurt more than I expected.  Probably because I really wanted that job.  It would make me feel important again.

I am searching for an appropriate escort again.  Not to justify my actions but to explain why:

I have tried (albeit only through my presence) to get along with people in the congregation.  I am polite, but don't approach most people.  People avoid me, pretend I'm not there, find sudden intensity in their own conversation, or whatever else is needed to avoid eye contact.

The "guardians" know they have to say something so I get the "Hi, hiya doin'?" from them followed by the obligatory question about how the job search is going.  It's all so damn predictable and involves no real outreach on their part.  Well, maybe verbalizing anything in my putrid direction is as much outreach as they can bring themselves to muster.

When I complained about it (spurred on by their own questions) they told me that I was the problem and I needed to be nicer.  Well I am sure that must be true, but I don't have the skills to fix it.  Even so if I would just to FS then everything would be better.

In any case I am essentially void of human interaction now that I am unemployed.  So, as I reach out for human interaction, they are a viable option.  The cost is extreme though,

So I have given up on God.  I know he would help me but I have not done his will and allowed myself to be exhausted by failing to rely on him.  I am in the process of making arrangements to see 2 escorts and go on a speed dating event.  Bad Ideas all but since I wasn't studying, praying, going out in FS and now I am starting to miss meetings, I was in a weakened state and make these bad choices.

It may prove to be my undoing.  Reminds me of the "Guess Who" song, the poignant lyrics of which are:

It's too late
She's gone too far
She's lost the sun
She's come undone
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Of course my predicament is particularly pathetic.  Later lyrics provide reason for this woman's loss.  They continue:

Too many mountains
and not enough stairs to climb
Too many churches
and not enough truth
Too many people
and not enough eyes to see
Too many lives
to lead and not enough time
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I don't get to use any of these excuses.  I know the Truth.  I've had two score years to figure this out.  I have the answers to life's mountains and see right through the issues down to the source of all my troubles.  And yet, I step right into them.  Trying to do my own thing I guess.  Not wanting to take the hard road and square my situation with God. 

May 28, 2016 (29 years since my high school graduation) now I've come undone.