Resigned to Failure

So what does it look like when the neilsonnemeister comes undone?  Well I spent hundreds of dollars on dating sites.  Two to be specific, eHarmony and Tender.  Neither has proved to be effective in scoring an opportunity.  I go through the motions on each site, but I am only interested in the hottest women, and of course, from their perspective I am just one in a million dudes.  I don't stand out in any positive way.  I am sure to most of them I am just a old black guy and they swipe left.

I am back in the usual mix of porn and jack.  I seem to be headed to a twice a week routine.

The big news of the week is that I did a date with a provider last Friday.  It was a 2 hour thing.  I had a really good time and I think she did as well.  At least her assistant seemed to indicate as much.   Of course I sense a new challenge now.

When I did this before I climbed on a high that lasted for weeks or at least several days.  This high wasn't as intense and lasted for several hours.  The magic is over, but, as is usually the case with addictive substances or practices, I want more.  I really think that if I don't stop soon, I will be pulled into this thing and end up fornicating before I come up for air again.  That would be really bad.  Honestly I think that is what the bitch wants.  I wish I was strong enough to say "F*ck her" and then go off and do the right thing,  That isn't happening though.  I have identified 4 providers whose sites really speak to my soul.  I sometimes bring all 4 sites up in a browser session.  The only thing really holding me back is the extreme cost.  Last Friday night I spent 1100 USD to have that enjoyment (of her time and companionship only, seriously.)  It was fun. Really fun,  I am not sure it was $1100 worth of fun.  What could I have done with that Money?

A new dryer, a new big screen (moderately big) TV, All manner of work on my house.  The list of possibilities goes on and on.

The choices I made leave me to a very sucky life situation.  I hate it but I can't break away.  The cheeses don't seem to want to help in a meaningful way anymore.  That is, they won't study with me.  One just invited me out in FS again for the first time in 6 - 10 weeks.  Of course I am sick (legitimately so.)

The thing I really don't get is that whenever I am in a situation such that I really start trying for several weeks, all I ever seem to feel is rejection.  I have been out of work for 4 months now.  Finally someone cares enough to invite me out in FS.  It is unfortunate that I am sick.  But I really thought that people would have been more supportive.  It is not like I hid the fact that I am out of work.

Of course this is really all my fault.  If I know how to find out where and when the meeting for field service is.  I just wasn't interested enough to find out much less so enough to actually get myself out there.  I just need to make a plan and stick  to it.  It must incorporate a little (perhaps very little) of each of the primary elements.  Study, meetings, prayer and service.  Starting with the first 3 with a goal to add the 4th.  

That will automatically lead to association (some would say the 5th necessary component but it really isn't; it d*mn sure makes things easier though.)  Anyway, I think it will be a test of my will.  Not just to do the things listed but to stop doing the bad things (READ porn and jack and the growing possibility of dating non Jw's.) so that I have enough HS (Sanctus Espiritus as identified in the Within Temptation song) to keep up with the practices long enough for the good feelings (wanting to be at the meeting, wanting to go out in FS, wanting to associate with these people, and them wanting to include me in their cliques) to entrain me along into God's (and secondarily the congregation's) good graces.  Based on my ongoing failure, the possibility seems very remote.  We'll have to see what happens next.

I suppose I just don't pray enough, study enough, go to meetings enough to make that reaction self sustaining.  Of course throw in the HS sucking practices and one can see why it isn't working.

So I feel like I just can't get there from here.  Especially with the Elders telling me that they won't study with me anymore.  I imagine that must be HS talking but it feels like they are being punitive.  You aren't making enough progress so we aren't going to study with you.  That's their prerogative I suppose.  Who am I to argue with it.  I am just a pissant little spiritual zero.  They are the mighty elders, men of fame.

Ok that was bad.  I shouldn't talk about them in such disrespectful terms.  I am not going to delete it because it is what is in my mind.  I am sure, and I sincerely hope that I am wrong in thinking that.  Even if I am not and this is in fact what is going on, then God knows it and he can give me the strength to deal with it.  He may also know that all the porn I watched has left my mind hopelessly twisted and I am simply not fit to  comment at meetings at this point.  Maybe never.


Oh well, nothing left to do but to keep going.  Meeting tomorrow.  I should listen/watch this month's broadcast.  It seems so pointless, but what else am I going to do ?

Undone

So I just got my first rejection this week.  It hurt more than I expected.  Probably because I really wanted that job.  It would make me feel important again.

I am searching for an appropriate escort again.  Not to justify my actions but to explain why:

I have tried (albeit only through my presence) to get along with people in the congregation.  I am polite, but don't approach most people.  People avoid me, pretend I'm not there, find sudden intensity in their own conversation, or whatever else is needed to avoid eye contact.

The "guardians" know they have to say something so I get the "Hi, hiya doin'?" from them followed by the obligatory question about how the job search is going.  It's all so damn predictable and involves no real outreach on their part.  Well, maybe verbalizing anything in my putrid direction is as much outreach as they can bring themselves to muster.

When I complained about it (spurred on by their own questions) they told me that I was the problem and I needed to be nicer.  Well I am sure that must be true, but I don't have the skills to fix it.  Even so if I would just to FS then everything would be better.

In any case I am essentially void of human interaction now that I am unemployed.  So, as I reach out for human interaction, they are a viable option.  The cost is extreme though,

So I have given up on God.  I know he would help me but I have not done his will and allowed myself to be exhausted by failing to rely on him.  I am in the process of making arrangements to see 2 escorts and go on a speed dating event.  Bad Ideas all but since I wasn't studying, praying, going out in FS and now I am starting to miss meetings, I was in a weakened state and make these bad choices.

It may prove to be my undoing.  Reminds me of the "Guess Who" song, the poignant lyrics of which are:

It's too late
She's gone too far
She's lost the sun
She's come undone
copyright <a href="http://elyrics.net">http://elyrics.net</a>

Of course my predicament is particularly pathetic.  Later lyrics provide reason for this woman's loss.  They continue:

Too many mountains
and not enough stairs to climb
Too many churches
and not enough truth
Too many people
and not enough eyes to see
Too many lives
to lead and not enough time
copyright <a href="http://elyrics.net">http://elyrics.net</a>

I don't get to use any of these excuses.  I know the Truth.  I've had two score years to figure this out.  I have the answers to life's mountains and see right through the issues down to the source of all my troubles.  And yet, I step right into them.  Trying to do my own thing I guess.  Not wanting to take the hard road and square my situation with God. 

May 28, 2016 (29 years since my high school graduation) now I've come undone.

Gratitude #2: Knowledge of God

Heart brimming with spit and venom I am trying to turn over a new leaf.  Actually since my first post dedicated to showing gratitude and appreciation for the good in my life I actually feel a little better generally speaking.  Of course that may  be because I have also been praying and studying my bible more.  Focusing on gratitude for a few minutes a day may also be helpful. 

Actually I feel kind of bad that today's topic wasn't the first one I chose since it is actually the most important.  Nonetheless it is #2 in chronological order:  Knowing who God is.

Lots of people will instinctively say "Oh yes I know God.  I pray to Him." Some would say Her but I find that nearly blasphemous since biblically speaking in a marriage union the man is the "head" of the woman.  Anyone who wants to debate that can certainly do so but I'm not going to try and defend that statement since the bible does a more than adequate job of doing so.  If you don't like it, that's fine.  God doesn't demand that you believe me or that you read the bible for that matter.  Not all who do believe it.  God leaves that to the individual so far be it from me to attempt to force my beliefs on anyone.  I am just saying what they are and noting that it comes from the bible.

But I digress.  My point is not do discuss the appropriate gender of the pronouns referencing God Almighty, rather it is to say that I am glad that I know who He is.  I don't want to turn this into an online sermon.  So I won't spend any time justifying my position with scripture (unless I happen to know it off the top of my head.)  If someone wants to discuss this personally I'd be happy to do so, but for the purpose of this post I'd just like to stick to the fact that I am grateful to know him and why.

God promises to right the wrongs perpetrated on the earth.  Bible readers will know that God has temporarily allowed other influences on the earth as can be clearly seen with all the wars, poverty, corruption, et cetera.  A casual perusal of nearly many major news outlets bears witness to that.  Many blame God but I believe he had good reason his course.  It seems that most people have been duped into not following God's standards.  They are pretty tough by modern standards.  No smokin', recreational drugs, chasing women (with all the immorality a 21st century main stream American might imagine).  Of course that is just a sampling and it is by no means exhaustive.  Beyond that there is all kinds of stuff he expects as is espoused at Matthew 24:14 or Matthew 28:19, 20.  Still more when there are scriptures that say we should love our enemies and pray for those persecuting you.  So doing God's will is Hard. 

Of course he helps us along which is why prayer is so important.

What's the up side?  John 17:3.  Not bad, actually it is more than humans deserve.  Of course I didn't really believe this when I was a kid.  If you had asked me I would have said that I believed but my actions proved different.  Even now I still look back at the things I will have to leave behind if I keep trying sincerely to serve God.  They are legion.  I don't know if I will do it.  I certainly can do so with God's help but I have not before now chosen to hold on to that assistance he offers for an extended period of time (certainly not more than 5 years consistently in a row since becoming an adult.) 

All that aside though, I know who God is, and a little bit about what he expects of us.  That puts me ahead of oh, I don't know, maybe 90% of the earth's population.  It doesn't put me into the end zone but at least I know the vector.  A lot of folks try to serve God and run in the completely wrong direction. 

I was watching a TV show not long ago and I again found myself envious of the position occupied by one of the show's characters; in a position to work hard and do good on a large and important scale.  I have for a few years now come to realize that I am just not intelligent enough to serve in prestigious capacities in this country.  It just takes me too long to learn and I didn't get a good start (from a secular perspective.)  However knowing God is far more valuable than that.  If he chooses to retake control of the earth in my lifetime, then I am way ahead of all those high livin' folks who know how to make it in the world in which we currently live. 

There are a few who know God, serve God and who have prestigious careers as well.  I thought that was going to be me when I was a kid.  What I found is that at my intelligence level, I could not do both.  I erred heavily on the side of prestige and stopped serving God for many years.  I am still not in good standing in what I understand to be the organization he is using to promulgate his message on the earth today.  Nonetheless my  recent loss of employment has given me a little bit of time to stop and gain perspective on what I was doing with my life.  I hate what I am now and hope that I can use the extra time to myself to start serving God again.  It will be a challenge and I have a long way to go, but at least I have gotten started, again.

Change is Good

Since starting this blog roughly 3 years ago, loyal readers will note that the tone has been decidedly negative.  Almost each new post contained a new wave, sometimes tsunami, of  bad news and ill feelings.  These were honest reflections of my life and not some trumped up version of negativity.  I can't say that the feelings have changed but I am now trying to take a different, more balanced approach.

Yes, I still am unemployed, subject to ill health and financial ruin.  However I recently read that mental health is closely related to expressions of gratitude and reflecting on positive experiences.  So I resolved to improve the mood and tone of my posts.  (This isn't like a news program whose ratings are depressed by an absence of bad news.  I for one would be overjoyed.  I don't really look forward to absence of challenges but I just want to emphasize the positive.  No one else seems to hit this anyway so I'm not worried about a loss of readership.)

Positive Item #1:  Good Health

I find myself almost afraid to talk about this since so many have expressed the notion that bragging about the good inevitably leads to bad.  Forging ahead in spite of the internal struggle, as I reflect on my health, I have to say that I am very happy with the known state of my health.  Yes I am fat, possibly obese, but that is at least within the realm of control.  My eyesight has always been poor but that is correctable (even though I don't seem to be able to wear contact lenses and so am stuck with glasses all the time.) 

What I don't have is diabetes, (a) missing limb(s),  dementia, heart disease, cancer or the like (again not to my knowledge.)  Also I'm not blind, severely hearing impaired, and the other senses (olfactory, touch, and the others I can't remember right now) seem to work fine.  Also my mind, while not as sharp as I would hope, seems to be able to comprehend things as well as the bulk of society.  Of course it goes without saying that many, many people especially many of my peers are far more capable than I am in this area, I have no just basis for complaint.  I have only been sidelined by health issues once and it does not seem to be a recurring issue.  It appears to have been a once and done type of thing. 

Even things that are very common like back problems, foot problems, frequent stomach problems, are not a big issue for me.  I am relieved since these things have often plagued others around me and I see how they suffer. 

I hope I never get the idea that somehow I am a better person as a result.   That's not the message here.  It is rather to verbalize my appreciation for the state of my health.  I know I should be more grateful, but maybe this is the start of a new round of appreciation for the things I do have.

Next:  the rents.

Bad @ Start / Good @ Middle / ?? Remaining.

It's early afternoon and after the day started out with a really poor night's sleep the morning proceeded with a session of masturbation to porn (what I used to call nrop because I couldn't bring myself to spell out the word heretofore.)  This is much the way yesterday ended, with me watching porn in stereo and masturbating along the way.

Yes, it is something of which I am deeply ashamed, but this day and age everyone watches porn and masturbates (I learned that from watching TV; who says TV is not educational.)

Later this morning I finally got around to working on my bible education (really strange eh?)  I had planned a whole series of errands to run, but i think that I opted to study the bible because I didn't want to do that less than I didn't want to leave the safety of my apartment to go do errands.

I really hope I can pray to God more because I am so far off the course he set for mankind that there is no way I could possibly close that gap without his help.  Of course the bible teaches that we always need to be praying no matter if we are spiritual zeros, or spiritual giants.  Even Jesus is recorded to have been praying many, many times to his father in heaven (a conundrum for any divine trinity adherents out there, though I am sure most such would protest.)

Now if I could only do this every day instead of just once a quarter.  Fat idiot fucker (mentally at least.)  Oh and I have to do something about this damn cussing.  I don't usually use such language when I am talking to someone else, but it bleeds through occasionally, probably more often than I realize.  I would be mortified if it bled through when talking to someone of the religion I am trying to crack into.  I'd be blackballed by so many families and individuals, I would just might as well just hari-kari myself.

Of course that isn't what God would want me to do.  (On the contrary, I am sure Satan would be most pleased.)  God keeps telling his people to put trust in him.  It is really  significant to me that when Job was dealing with all his losses, his house, family (except his trash talking wife) and his assets, he did not know that he was being specifically tested by Satan with God and the rest of the angels looking on to see how he would fair.   That's why there was such an intense debate at the time about the reason for his suffering.   I'm not sure he ever found out what was going on behind the scenes.  The point is that he kept being faithful to God.  I am certainly not that good.  I stub my to and ask "God, why do you bring this great pain and suffering on me?"  OK, well that's an exaggeration, but only mildly so.

So here I sit, 5 weeks out of work and no closer to getting another job.  Spending most of my time watching TV (including porn) and frequently masturbating to deal with the great struggle.  I truly hate myself.

False Catharsis

I am still flopping around like a doomed fish in the bottom of a poor man's fishing boat.  (I say poor man because I perceive that this diminishes the likelihood its of being thrown back.)   I am still struggling to identify and (more difficult) follow a reasonable pattern of work, entertainment, rest, networking needed to find another job.  And that continues to be the focus, finding another job rather than take advantage of this opportunity to serve God more effectively.

My shame is preventing me from the most basic thing needed to form a relationship with God, prayer.  I feel totally ashamed of what I am now.  In the last 4 weeks since I lost my job I have been laying around the apartment eating, sleeping, watching TV including nrop.  And of course many times (surprisingly not most times) this ends in a session of self arousal.  After years of pride over my virility I know realize that I can't ejaculate as I used to, giving fluid flight.  Not it is just a damn dribble.

Reflecting on this (not just the act but how I have chosen to put it into words) I am again reminded of how very far I have fallen from the standard God sets for humans in this day and age.  Not that his standards have changed, but his apparent expectations for behavior certainly seem to have changed.  (Consider that polygamy is no longer a tolerated practice based on Jesus during his earthly ministry.)

Anyway, I find myself in digression.  The point of this post is that I am still not doing God's will.  I was hugely surprised when I asked for a bible study and was turned down from the big dogs in the congregation.  My best guess is that they felt they are wasting their time.  They convinced me to do FS a couple of times but now they have just dropped me off again to roll around in the bottom of the congregation until I fall out again.  I don't want that to happen but I am not finding success in doing the things needed to get the help I need.  Not that it is so hard; I just need to study, go to the meetings, pray and do FS.  But that is just several bridges too far.  I can't seem to get there.

Death is the end of all this.  Unlike what most people seem to believe, God's love is not unconditional and interminable.  It certainly wasn't with the nation of Israel.  After he tolerated hundreds of years and many, many rulers defying his will, he finally called an end and destroyed the nation as an independent people.  He isn't going to tolerate me for multiple generations though, I had better get this right or tomorrow, next week, next year or in a coming decade, God will call and end to his patience and I will die outside his mercy, forever gone and forgotten, but not so as to spare the grief that will certainly ensue on the part of my family, including (most likely) my mother, the single most kind person I know personally.

And yet that prospect is not enough to fuel me with the motivation, the energy, the will necessary to stop laying around this damn apartment and do something about the sad and sorry state of my spiritual situation.  Shit!  You f*cking moron!

I just heard a TED talk where the speaker, Sean Anchor, espoused a theory about how to motivate people through positive energy.  It  constitutes:

1. Daily notes of gratitude
2. Writing (as in a journal) about positive  things,
3. Exercise,
4. Meditation, and
5. Random acts of kindness such as a note to someone in your social network thanking them for something.

I heard a good explanation for the other component (apart from logic) that guides the decision making part of our brain.  I can't articulate the arguments but I believe it comes from the things we feed our brain.  What we watch, with whom we associate, what we read and what we dream about.

I am trying to stop watching TV cold turkey.  I am also trying to give up my newly budding addiction to "strategy style" video games.  Fortunately the latter is only a few weeks old but it has already claimed several hours each day of its existence.  It is like a rapidly growing cancer and if I don't cut it out soon, it will be yet another monster growing inside my brain further entangling my logic center.  Although it would probably just hasten my death which might be nothing more than a blessing, still I have the urge to fight for my life, rather than surrender.  So I am trying to quit.

So right now, as I type I am falling into heavy metal.  Evanescence, Delain, Within Temptation, Epica, Nightwish, at elevated volume.  I forgot how cathartic that can be.  Oh yes and escorts have really worked in the past.  Shit, there is no escaping is there.  It's like I'm in a maze wearing a suit of loops and where the walls are covered in hooks.  The passages get more narrow as the entrance nears.

I feel like praying but that never seems to work.  I know logically that it is a critical component of the only possible plan of escape, What a perfect trap.

Trapped!

So, the worst of the worst has happened, I lost my job.  Well, not really.  I could have been df'd.  But something worse has happened, my son was df'd; that was a while ago.

It has been a really, really bad quarter.  So now, I have found the trap, the crucible I am currently in.  You see, spending the last 12 years of my life trying as hard as I knew how to to make a success of a dying company, I have exhausted myself and driven myself into depression.  Of course the latter intelligence is far from new.

I haven't blogged in a bit.  But lots of sh*t has been happening.  Maybe I'll cover that in future blogs.  Maybe not.  I am not sure this is really helpful at all.  But I don't want to forget to cover it (for some unknown reason.)  Here are some of the high points:

1. My kid was df'd again
1.125 My job got really bad with the new salesman as a boss.
1.25 I used an escort again; the date with Sid wasn't much fun, I almost missed her due to confusing sign on the restaurant door, and her cell phone not working.  She somehow got started telling me stories about her friends that I didn't really want to talk about.  She left the envelope on the table and we had to call the place to get back in to retrieve it, what a mess.)  I still like her though, but not enough to overcome the obstacles to seeing her, at least not at this point.
1.5 I was terminated from my lousy job (lousy except in terms of compensation.)
2. I tried to restart my study and was turned down.
3. I actually went out in FS not once but twice (and then I promptly missed multiple meetings 2 or 3 so far, I lost count.)
4. I am back looking for an escort to go out with.


So I am still avoiding using dating sites and speed dating.  It is hard to do  something like this so it isn't a great thing to avoid doing so.  There is no question though, if there wasn't this issue with the religion banning (effectively) such activity, I would end up doing so.

I had long recognized that I was in a really bad way with every weekend beginning and ending with long tele-viewing binges.   But now, with no job to go to, my life is one long weekend.  I am getting some things done but I would say that I am operating at about 8% efficiency.  A few things are getting done but, mostly it is just binge watching anything remotely view-able.

One thing I wish there was a convenient way to address.  The truly bad feelings that accompany a job loss, particularly when there was a great deal of invested interest and passion involved in the creation and promulgation of the work products.  It is hard to disengage without something with which to replace it.  It is like the old adage:  "The best way to get over a lost woman, is to find another."  Of course the wisdom of that statement may be debatable, especially if one's own actions and attitude resulted in the loss.  That having been said, maybe it is good to reflect on the mistakes I made in this past job, painful though it may be.

I remember the first truly traumatic job loss.  I was so stricken by the event that it was as bad as the death of a close loved one for many people.  Having lost close people before,  I can say that for sure.  Of course I do believe that my response to death is typical.  I also don't think my response to the loss of a job is typical.  Otherwise Hallmark would have a whole new line of sympathy cards.