It's early afternoon and after the day started out with a really poor night's sleep the morning proceeded with a session of masturbation to porn (what I used to call nrop because I couldn't bring myself to spell out the word heretofore.) This is much the way yesterday ended, with me watching porn in stereo and masturbating along the way.
Yes, it is something of which I am deeply ashamed, but this day and age everyone watches porn and masturbates (I learned that from watching TV; who says TV is not educational.)
Later this morning I finally got around to working on my bible education (really strange eh?) I had planned a whole series of errands to run, but i think that I opted to study the bible because I didn't want to do that less than I didn't want to leave the safety of my apartment to go do errands.
I really hope I can pray to God more because I am so far off the course he set for mankind that there is no way I could possibly close that gap without his help. Of course the bible teaches that we always need to be praying no matter if we are spiritual zeros, or spiritual giants. Even Jesus is recorded to have been praying many, many times to his father in heaven (a conundrum for any divine trinity adherents out there, though I am sure most such would protest.)
Now if I could only do this every day instead of just once a quarter. Fat idiot fucker (mentally at least.) Oh and I have to do something about this damn cussing. I don't usually use such language when I am talking to someone else, but it bleeds through occasionally, probably more often than I realize. I would be mortified if it bled through when talking to someone of the religion I am trying to crack into. I'd be blackballed by so many families and individuals, I would just might as well just hari-kari myself.
Of course that isn't what God would want me to do. (On the contrary, I am sure Satan would be most pleased.) God keeps telling his people to put trust in him. It is really significant to me that when Job was dealing with all his losses, his house, family (except his trash talking wife) and his assets, he did not know that he was being specifically tested by Satan with God and the rest of the angels looking on to see how he would fair. That's why there was such an intense debate at the time about the reason for his suffering. I'm not sure he ever found out what was going on behind the scenes. The point is that he kept being faithful to God. I am certainly not that good. I stub my to and ask "God, why do you bring this great pain and suffering on me?" OK, well that's an exaggeration, but only mildly so.
So here I sit, 5 weeks out of work and no closer to getting another job. Spending most of my time watching TV (including porn) and frequently masturbating to deal with the great struggle. I truly hate myself.
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