I am still flopping around like a doomed fish in the bottom of a poor man's fishing boat. (I say poor man because I perceive that this diminishes the likelihood its of being thrown back.) I am still struggling to identify and (more difficult) follow a reasonable pattern of work, entertainment, rest, networking needed to find another job. And that continues to be the focus, finding another job rather than take advantage of this opportunity to serve God more effectively.
My shame is preventing me from the most basic thing needed to form a relationship with God, prayer. I feel totally ashamed of what I am now. In the last 4 weeks since I lost my job I have been laying around the apartment eating, sleeping, watching TV including nrop. And of course many times (surprisingly not most times) this ends in a session of self arousal. After years of pride over my virility I know realize that I can't ejaculate as I used to, giving fluid flight. Not it is just a damn dribble.
Reflecting on this (not just the act but how I have chosen to put it into words) I am again reminded of how very far I have fallen from the standard God sets for humans in this day and age. Not that his standards have changed, but his apparent expectations for behavior certainly seem to have changed. (Consider that polygamy is no longer a tolerated practice based on Jesus during his earthly ministry.)
Anyway, I find myself in digression. The point of this post is that I am still not doing God's will. I was hugely surprised when I asked for a bible study and was turned down from the big dogs in the congregation. My best guess is that they felt they are wasting their time. They convinced me to do FS a couple of times but now they have just dropped me off again to roll around in the bottom of the congregation until I fall out again. I don't want that to happen but I am not finding success in doing the things needed to get the help I need. Not that it is so hard; I just need to study, go to the meetings, pray and do FS. But that is just several bridges too far. I can't seem to get there.
Death is the end of all this. Unlike what most people seem to believe, God's love is not unconditional and interminable. It certainly wasn't with the nation of Israel. After he tolerated hundreds of years and many, many rulers defying his will, he finally called an end and destroyed the nation as an independent people. He isn't going to tolerate me for multiple generations though, I had better get this right or tomorrow, next week, next year or in a coming decade, God will call and end to his patience and I will die outside his mercy, forever gone and forgotten, but not so as to spare the grief that will certainly ensue on the part of my family, including (most likely) my mother, the single most kind person I know personally.
And yet that prospect is not enough to fuel me with the motivation, the energy, the will necessary to stop laying around this damn apartment and do something about the sad and sorry state of my spiritual situation. Shit! You f*cking moron!
I just heard a TED talk where the speaker, Sean Anchor, espoused a theory about how to motivate people through positive energy. It constitutes:
1. Daily notes of gratitude
2. Writing (as in a journal) about positive things,
3. Exercise,
4. Meditation, and
5. Random acts of kindness such as a note to someone in your social network thanking them for something.
I heard a good explanation for the other component (apart from logic) that guides the decision making part of our brain. I can't articulate the arguments but I believe it comes from the things we feed our brain. What we watch, with whom we associate, what we read and what we dream about.
I am trying to stop watching TV cold turkey. I am also trying to give up my newly budding addiction to "strategy style" video games. Fortunately the latter is only a few weeks old but it has already claimed several hours each day of its existence. It is like a rapidly growing cancer and if I don't cut it out soon, it will be yet another monster growing inside my brain further entangling my logic center. Although it would probably just hasten my death which might be nothing more than a blessing, still I have the urge to fight for my life, rather than surrender. So I am trying to quit.
So right now, as I type I am falling into heavy metal. Evanescence, Delain, Within Temptation, Epica, Nightwish, at elevated volume. I forgot how cathartic that can be. Oh yes and escorts have really worked in the past. Shit, there is no escaping is there. It's like I'm in a maze wearing a suit of loops and where the walls are covered in hooks. The passages get more narrow as the entrance nears.
I feel like praying but that never seems to work. I know logically that it is a critical component of the only possible plan of escape, What a perfect trap.
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