! Again

Some programming languages use the character "!" to indicate the logical notion of "Not."  So you can do operations like If x !=0; y/x; Else; 0.  That isn't valid syntax in any language but it gets the point across.  So I reached out and cancelled the date with the escort.  The plans were in limbo anyway as her assistant waited for a response from a prior provider.  They do this for their own protection and it is normal and reasonable.  I was "possessed" this morning and I ripped off a short note indicating my plans had changed and I wouldn't be available.  And then the heart chimed in (the heart wants what the heart wants):  "Let me know if hear from the first provider.  I want to be "approved" for when this new potential partner is available in the future."

Sh*t.  I just cannot seem to make up my mind.  Of course, if I keep dithering God will make it up for me.  And I'll wind up a crispy critter (or suffer some other vile termination.)  I know cancelling was the right thing to do, however when it was on, it really gives me something to look forward to.  And when things go well, I keep thinking about the wonderful experience long after.  It is so inspiring to sit across a dinner table and talk with a beautiful woman.  Of course I have to pay, since I am old, fat and ugly now.  Actually I would have had to pay when I was young and skinnier.  It just never happened.  The women I like are out of my league. I did accept something less when I was married.  I fell in love with her over time and I was OK with her looks which were above average, though not stunning.  However that marriage ended and I am back on the prowl, for all the good it will do.  

So I am willing to pay for the privilege.  Of course the Deacons would take a dim view of this.  Actually a "black" view.  (Not in the racial sense.)  I mean that I might be black listed if I did it and told them about it later.  "So just don't tell them" some of you may say.  I say, "This is all about serving God.  He knows anyway so I still have to take the punishment."  

So ultimately I am not willing to pay the price.  The monetary value is a no-brainer.  It is the cost I would have to "pay" to God for such a thing that gives me pause.  This makes twice in a row that I make arrangements for a date and I decide to back out later. Interestingly both times I did the old "Maybe later" thing.  Of course God sees that as well.  I think that I am just so desperate for attention from someone like these providers, that I actually consider such a stupid and dangerous move. 

Right now I am feeling glad I cancelled.  Later I will regret it.  And then I will bounce back and forth until the next opportunity to see a special someone reappears.  In hydraulics, there is something called a dither valve, that keeps an otherwise stationary cylinder moving slightly back and forth.  It is used to allow for smooth and fluid motion as, without this, a hydraulic piston's seal would take a set on a stationary shaft.  The first movement from that set position would be a jerk.  I suppose if I were a dither valve, I'd be a damn good one.

So what now, am I going to sit around and wait for the next opportunity.  Well, I hope not.  i'd like to get my posterior in gear and study the Bible like I mean it.  Of course when have I ever said that before  .  .  .

As I have said before so many times, I just don't know what to do.  So I hear that sometimes it is important to just do something!  Even if it is the wrong thing, the perturbation of the situation yields insights that can help you define the right course.   In my case the  good moves never last and the bad ones continue, as Ms Simon says: "comin' around again."  So I'm just dying.  If I decided to leave God, I think I could figure out how to make a happier existence for the remaining minutes, weeks or decades left before Armageddon.  This limp hearted effort I put into His service leaves me frustrated and sad.  I never feel good about myself.  I never feel happy and I don't look forward to anything except a date with an escort.

Escort (Yet Again)

Making arrangements to see a new provider, given that the previous one I liked so much is leaving the country.  Already feeling regret for reaching out to her.  Not just b/c it is so expensive, but also it is wrong by God's standards.

If I go through with this, it has to be the last time.  (Famous last words.)

I suppose I really haven't figured out what I want from these escorts.  I think it is the rush that comes from getting close to the "edge."  I know, beyond reasonable doubt, that one day the edge is going to move and I'll be standing in thin air.  Just ask Wile E. Coyote. (You'll have to watch for the sign since he never says anything.)

I make fun but this is deadly serious.  I could mess up really badly here and get myself kicked out of the congregation.  It would mal-affect my brother  and my son.  The two people closest to me.  Oddly, they let my son back into the congregation just last week!  How awful would that be if a week later I get kicked out.

But the freight train is on the tracks and headed in my direction.  And all I keep doing is waving it on as I stand center tracks, as close as I possibly can.  Maybe God can help.  I'll try praying for that.  But the thing is we have to act in harmony with our prayers, and I'm just not doing that.  Do I really love the world so very much that I would sacrifice my life for just a few more miserable years in a dying system.  I do imagine it would be very different to change if you are George Clooney or Jack Welch.  The world has granted those people fame, status and power which will all go away when the new system comes.

What I get is a nice paycheck, by lower middle class standards, and that's about where the benefits stop.  The rest of my life is a mess.  And, as I have explained earlier, my consistent attempts to to get back into the church organization are met with ultimate failure in all cases.

So all this is up b/c I am trying to set up an appointment with an escort.  She seems like she is really nice but one never really knows.  It's a lot of money but I think I will go through with it.  This is a clear example of my heart leading my head.

Still On The "Air"

But no, its not to be.  And the droning goes on about how much IHMS.  I continue to disappoint myself at every turn.  I want to turn to God for help and have decided to really focus on praying each day.  It is hard to overcome the skepticism as I have been trying so long without success.  It does help to know that I am the one at fault.  So I need to find the "thing" or "things" that I am doing (or not doing) that are keeping me stuck in this loop.  I have been off nrop for a month or so, though with one relapse.  The bitch now feels qualified to bring it up in conversation.  She just got removed from the "shunning" list and feels ready to cast her pearls of wisdom in my general direction.

I find that with the drugs in my system I am able to work much harder than before.  I guess it blocks out all the other messages my brain is sending.  Things like: You aren't doing the right thing with your life, You are working yourself to an early grave, You need to find another career that doesn't involve corporate failure.  I truly HMS

Anyway, what do I choose to work hard on?  Secular work of course.  No spiritual progress in sight and none on the radar.  I truly feel that there is little hope for me, but not no hope.  Some part of me still wants to believe that I can make the needed changes to serve God well.  I suppose I am waiting for the trigger.  I can only imagine what that might be.  Whatever it is it is sure to be unpleasant.

It really seems my favorite (and only) escort is leaving the country.  It makes me sad that I did not see her back in April, even though I know that that was the correct decision.  And so goes the dichotomy in my head.  Wanting to do wrong, but knowing it is not right.  The only other escort that comes close to her is Avery.  but at a grand an hour, that's just not going to happen.

New Workweek:  So I looked online over the weekend and found Kyra Graves who hails from Toronto but is touring the US.  I reached out to her with an email, and haven't heard back yet.  (Of course it has only been 24 hours.  I also noticed that Avery has a Remote Package that I might choose.  It is a grand for the freedom to email her and expect a response.  I need more info though.  one may be limited to one email per week, which would make it not worthwhile.  We'll see how Kyra works out first.

EOF?

So I went on vacation for the past week.  I spent the first several days in front of the TV.  Literally, watching from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed.  The next 3 days were helping my brother since my mom died.  A lot of organization and paperwork to fill in.

Then I came back.

Oddly, the vacation "worked."  I have been able to work hard and effectively today.  Of course that may be since I have a critical report due next week and it requires a lot of coordination to pull all the data together.  Further complicating any analysis is the fact that I am in week 3 of the antidepressant medication.

So I worked well today because some or all these reasons:

• The "Vacation" accomplished its purpose
• I am under a little pressure (not too much, just enough)
• The medication is working.  

Whatever the reason it feels good to be able to put in a full day work.  I am really sick so pardon me if I'm not jumping for joy.  Life is still very disappointing for me and I hope to address these issues, if my recovery from depression continues.  

New Day:  Well I worked a long time yesterday and I came in and with a "normal" amount of time wastage, For most people that would be a lot.  But anyway, I got into a good rhythm and have been working hard.  Afternoon meetings disrupted the schedule but I was able to multitask through most of them.

I have church tonight and am dreading it.  I look frumpy today.  I never look smooth with all the weight I gained.  Oh well, inhale   .  .  . exhale, nothin' to do but git 'er done.  I suppose I could pray about it.  That sometimes helps.  (It would every time if I were good.)  I hear the censorship committee wants to help, but they don't know what to do.  I don't either.  

My kid is doing better.  He finally seems to be coming back to his senses after 6 years of unholy hell from him.  I am glad to see that though I wish I could help him more.  But right now, I can't seem to get myself together.

So I seem to be coming to the end of this blog.  There just seems to be nothing more to say that hasn't been said many times earlier.  Writing this down has been cathartic, but I am still stuck.  I really should try praying more.  .

Knowing that it helps to write this probably isn't the true end of the blog, but the end of anything new and interesting, if dear reader, you may have found some of the foregoing of interest.  

Gentle Hands

I am taking depression medication now and have been for a week.  I am already starting to feel more like working and it isn't nearly as hard to get a few things done.  I still can't focus for very long but it is far better than what it was like before.

I really hope I can get back to the congregation but that will require so much work.  One of the medications will allow me to sit through meetings.  So often in parts of the meeting where they talk about all the good things the individuals in the congregation really should be doing, I feel personally assaulted and it is mentally painful.  So this medication keeps me from feeling really, really bad.  Of course it also keeps me from feeling really, really good.

I will try to get to the meeting this Sunday (tomorrow.)  We'll see if that really happens.

So my favorite escort is coming into town in June.  I had decided I was going to see her then.  Today I read an earlier post that explained why I decided not to see her earlier this year.  It appears that she will be leaving the country for good in July.  This might be the last time I ever could see her.  Yet and still it is almost assuredly best that I don't.  It reminds me of an episode of "Elementary" a modern day Sherlock Holmes.  Sherlock sponsors an addict whose girlfriend comes to town.  She herself is a practicing drug addict and the recovering addict (being sponsored by Sherlock) wants to let her move in with him.  Sherlock tells him the truth:  You should have noting to do with her.  You can't have her in your life right now.  Of course he doesn't listen and ends up doing drugs with her.

It's like that with Grace.  I know better, but I want to see her so badly.  She is one person that I really could connect with.  Such people (those with whom I can connect) are very rare.  I don't think that most people would think I am a scoundrel however I do put people off, and those around me, especially women, feel uncomfortable.  Grace warmed to me really quickly.  I could see her sizing me up right after we first met, She got it right and our first encounter was very pleasant.  The next one, not so much, but she had been feeling ill and wasn't really up for the engagement.  She has offered me a discount as a result on future engagements.

I think that I will just leave this in her hands.  If she reaches out to me, I am too weak to say "no."  If, on the other hand, she doesn't.  I'm not going to make first contact and the last opportunity to see her will go away; although that would be best for me.  I do pray for her though, and I probably will for some time to come.  I really really like this woman.  That's what she is to me, a woman, not a whore or prostitute or any of those untoward names people call those who do what she does.  I see her as a beautiful, kindhearted, intelligent and open minded person.  One day I'd like to marry someone with characteristics like Grace.  I'd marry her if she would have me, but she's young and could do so much better than me.  That's just one of those things (like having an Aventador;) that will never happen.

Disembarcation

I am on a train that is circling the congregation, a positive thing.  The tracks for this train never come close to the congregation center.  In fact it circles so far away therefrom that I doesn't seem like I am any part of the congregation.  I just see it from afar.  So I need to find a way off this train and onto one heading for its center, or at the very least a tighter circle around it.  Now, just how am I gonna do that.

I am improving in my quest to break away from nrop, most recent digression notwithstanding.  However I have stopped going to meetings although now that I finally have some decent depression and sleep medication that should help a lot.  The barbs they throw at me from the stage won't hurt the medicated persona as much.  I still have to get started again though, somehow.

I was thinking that I need to maybe write them a letter.  I did that once to no avail.  However that one just said I am in trouble and need help.  It did spark a meeting (as in one such.)  I clearly need more than that.  However I honestly don't know what I need apart from social interaction.  The latter isn't something you ask for since it is unreasonable.  If I am invited somewhere I would want it to be because people are interested in and want to talk to me, not  because I asked.

However it would seem that they should have some ideas.  They consistently ask if I want someone to study the bible with them.  I honestly don't see how that would help and in at least 2 instances I can think of I responded accordingly.  Both times they immediately dropped the idea.  In either instance they might have explained how the study would benefit me.  The fact that they didn't leads me to believe that they didn't really think that was a good idea themselves.

Again in both instance, after that they (the Deacons) seemed out of their element.  It was clear that they didn't know what to do or suggest next.  It is like that was their only solution and, turning that down left them without any other assistance mechanism.  I suppose I am disappointed that there isn't any other alternative.  If they offer it again, I think I should accept the "one size fits all" solution they offer.  It can't hurt.

The letter idea, hell I don't know what I would say.  I have drafted a letter to the central organization, akin to going over their heads.  I suppose I should borrow heavily from that.  In that one, I just explained my situation and my frustrations with the Deacons' ineffective attempt to assist.  However in all fairness, and in fact by scripture, I should do so before complaining about them to someone else.

Dang, I don;t even have their address I could send it to.

Blog Birthday

So I recently looked back over the year or so of blogging I have done.  It paints the picture of a seriously depressed individual struggling against his internal corruptions to overcome gluttony, nrop, shyness, and fear of men.  These things have lowered self esteem to the point of considering suicide.  This individual knows what to do, but can't or won't bring himself to do it.  Externally it seems obvious that it is lack of will, internally it feels like I am being held back by some force.

The basic thing I know I want to do is serve God.  The problem is that I don't have the immediate will to do so.  I've known the formula for a long time:

1. The only way to serve God well is to love him.
2. The only way to love him is to get to know him,
3. The only way to get to know him is to study the bible that tells people about him,
4. Studying the bible is difficult and uninteresting so the only way to do that is to just commit yourself to the difficult process until it starts to get easier. As you continue in that office the difficulty will reduce to a maintainable level.
5. Add the other things not done yet among the list of::

• Study
• Meetings
• Prayer 
• Service

The issue for me is step #4, I haven't been successful studying about God long enough for it to become enjoyable enough to be self sustaining.  I either quit before that point or, on rare occasions, after getting to that point I quickly get tripped by something God finds unacceptable.

It seems more and more like there is just no way out.

And yet there must be.  The simple fact that God doesn't tempt us beyond our breaking point means that I have "broken" before the point at which I should have.  This whole situation is so very much my fault.  But again, I distract myself.  The focus on this, my blog birthday post, is to figure out, well I suppose write out, what to do now.  Now that I am in this hole, this dire situation.  Kicked to the curb in my own congregation and largely ignored by all the members therein.

Maybe I should write a letter  .  .  .