The Ex

So I have been dumped on bashed about and discarded by my ex-wife.  We are divorced for quite some time and but have been forced to interact with each other because of the children.

Now though we are interacting on an social level having nothing to do with the kids.  I'm not that into her, but I can see that she is getting more into me than I am comfortable with.  Of course, any reader familiar with this blog will know that I have no friends.  So I am totally vulnerable to anyone acting like they like me.  I have gone out with her multiple times.  Every time I do I end up dropping 100 USD or more.

This last time, though, her other friend ended up paying.

I just don't like myself more and more again.  I can feel myself sinking into depression again.  The music I listen to is going back to the goth classics.  It is all just feeling really bad now.  I am fat my teeth are yellow, I can't see and I am just descending into this fetid and stinking mass of ration blocking thought waves that lead me capable of only the most basic of functions.  I can't move and the control over myself is slipping away.  I hate what I have turned into, and that thought is coming back as the dominant consideration.

Whenever I finish a task and go to another, or come home from another place, or finish watching a TV show or movie, I just go back to "I hate myself; I hate what I have turned into.  I can't stand me!"  Again and again, more and more.  I focus on what I want which is all the things I can't have and I feel so badly that it will never come.  The end will come, God will rightfully kill me because I haven't done his will, and all these things I spend my time on now will just end.  God is clear of his expectations.  I am his enemy.  I deserve to die.  I sometimes I wish I could just get this whole stinking mess of a life overwith.  It doesn't make sense though.  Even if there is just a tiny chance  I should just keep trying.

It just seems so futile.  Satan has me in his grip.  I never escaped even when I thought I did.  And now he is using this bitch again to keep me under his control.  How she blinds herself to her own missteps is so freaking amazing.  And now she wants to lead me down the path with her, and I am letting myself  go right along.  My Lord and God Almighty (or at least one who is God Almighty as I have not ever fully succeeded in making you my God,) how can I fix this?  I am consumed and afraid.  Caught and controlled, with no apparent way out.  I hate this.  But here I am, with no where to go.

I can feel the motivation leaking out through my fingertips.  It is not like there was that much there to begin with.  I can taste the hate.  Smell the essence of my crazed disgust in my teeth and my throat. I don't know how to deal with this.  Nothing in me is OK.  It is all for destruction. I am just another piece of refuse to be swept away at armageddon along with all the others who refuse to do what God wants.

The glimmer of love for my children will be swept away, unrecoverable as it is inextricable from the tentacles of disgust that breach every corner of my mind and heart.  Why did I let this happen.  Why didn't I believe God's warnings.  Why couldn't I keep doing his will when I had the chance.  It is clear that I have taken my stand against God, if full knowledge of how monumentally stupid this decision is.  And yet here I stand, covered in feces and making the same mistake again, the same path that lead to my demise.  And I am doing it again; yet again, knowing where this leads.  Mark! why are you so very insipidly foolish?

One would think that I am insane.  Maybe that is correct.

Absolutely None

I met with my escort, Grace yesterday.  It was a disappointment.  I know that  I am a low margin customer at 200/hour and she apparently does as well.   So for 4 hours I paid 940 USD (adding 100 USD for outcall fee and 40 for a tip.)  That doesn't include the 230 USD for her ticket ( and not including mine at the same price.  So for 1500 USD I got an afternoon with a pretty woman who was very nice to me.  But she wasn't all that excited to see me and wasn't as exciting to be with as I anticipated.  It was like an OK date.  If this was an actual date I would have been left ambivalent about seeing her again.  Not opposed to doing so, but not all that excited about it either.

Oh well, that's the last time for that activity.  I suppose if I could do all that for about 100 - 200 USD it might make sense but not at 1500.  I suppose, all in all it worked out really ideally.  I have had my moment(s) with escort(s) and I don't want to do it again.  Just no interest there.  None, zip, nada, goose egg, like zero man.  Just what the ministers in my church (and really I myself) would want.

Too Tired

And here I am again today.  Tired as can be.  I woke up at 2:40 this am and basically didn't get much sleep since then.  It is like I wake up just so I can be tired during the day.  I tried to get back to sleep around 4:14 PM but I just wanted to rest a bit.  'cause I knew I needed to get up in minutes.

I am discovering (again) that I can't keep going without medication.  I just must have it.  I can't function normally without it.  I have become dependent on drugs for survival.  I am bordering on dream typing as I did yesterday but I am really fighting that because I just don't have the time for it today.

And now its tomorrow.  I took a sleep aid yesterday and I am continuing to find that it makes me sleep too much.  Need to start cutting the pills in half.  I feel much better though.  I am not nearly as sleepy at work when I have taken something the night before.  I really hate this.

And now it's next week.  Today I was extremely sleepy again in the morning and then again in the afternoon after a light lunch.  I must just do something.  I want to go back to the dr but it is just so very costly.  I'll do it if I have to but for not I am trying to avoid it.

Grace is coming this weekend.  I can do that  at well over a thousand, but then again that is a totally different motivation.  Immediate gratification is hard to I wish I hadn't set this up.  It is so damn costly.

Dream State

And here we go again,  Another work day starting and I am absolutely dead on my feet.  I am dropping into sleep unknowingly.  Just typing along and I drop into a dream state.

On this last time I was elevated (physically) and the put in the cockpit of a Japanese Zero fighter ready to attack something.  Then I realize that the fighter is on the side of the US.   Then I fall back into dream state and find myself in the war zone.  This time I am still away from the main camp.  Next I am a smallish boy wanting to eat breakfast.  My father, a great man, appears on horseback in a tent but the horse dies plunging forward.  Though my eyes there is no blood, just the front of the horse is has disappeared.  Then we have let. Now I am spectator watching someone (a dad).  Next I am in the army watching some hospital.  I am just all over the map, but I sense premeds basically they want to play doctor when they grow up.  So are they all perverts?  And someone is dead, with red eyes and a wife is very sad & afraid.   Then the man is an alien, and we are having to negotiate with him to leave you alone.  Then my father (unrecognized to me) appears in an extremely racially stereotypical environment playing baseball indoors with a frying pan for a bat.  Wow, that's weird.  But that's what you get when you are partially awake in the morning and your fingers are on the keyboard.

Then I am a late teenager going out to fix something.  I am leading the charge and my white sidekick will follow me.  I get close to my objective and a part of me is cast into a tree and tries to haul me up  by my long tail.  The tail breaks off.  I am just mildly irritated -- SNAFU.   Now the man goes back to his dead wife in repose in his house and imagines a huge explosion ending in a mushroom cloud.  A sound technician is asked to add the FX and grins and reaches for its store.  Then they come up to the next sorte and get ready to fire bomb it as well.  Yelling into the pig curing basement.  And a young early 20's girl is struggling to get out to add the strength of mind and resolve to win the fight.

The captain recons today the enemy has ridden marauding over the seas.  And his determination to heave it.  He escapes from the window realizing that the police want to lock him up and deny the call on which I ask forgiveness.  "Is that all?"  they reply who (apparently) is my mother.  My wife struggles to stay alive and wants to reach for and do something but she only manages a last silent look.  Unmemorable and blank.  Not how I would want to remember her.  There the movie ends.

Time for another coffee.

So a a few hours some light headedness and a serious hot flash later I realize that taking 225 mg of Wellbutrin isn't a good idea if you have been off it for a while.  I should take the remaining pills and break them into thirds (1/3) or smaller!

Turning the Boat

I am just a dingy in the waters of life but I handle like a freighter, that is to say it is difficult to turn myself away from the wrong course; really it is hard to turn toward goodness in any form, except maybe very short term good like cake, relaxation or sex.  I guess that is true for many people, but they are blessed (cursed?) by not knowing what the right course is.  They are still blinded by others who tell them how well they are doing in the course they have chosen.  Sometimes all they get is comradery of those of the same ilk.  But this is not about them, it's about me.

I know better; it is clear what I should be doing - serving God.   The reward is the best, the enjoyment of life is the best.  I just can't seem to cross the chasm between my current life and the life that I should be leading.

Thinking further, I know that my life apart from the depression management drugs doesn't work right.  I have to get back to the pill popping paradigm before I can return to normal.  I have to see my analyst; I have to see my shrink.  I am sick in the head and need the drugs to think and act rationally.  I just have to find a way to get that done.  I'll add it to the to-do list.

Oh, and serving God,  I have to do that too.  Let me add that to the list as well.  And I can't forget about personal development,  studying about management and technical topics, and scientific items.  Of course there is also social development, I must squeeze that in.  Oh and lest I forget there is also the studying needed to serve God - 10 hours a week minimum there.  Of course I can't do all this without some physical training.  So I need to sign up and start going to the gym again.  And so you see dear reader, I am hopeless.

So the obvious answer here is to pick the highest priority and start with that, then add the other things in descending priority order.  What's first?  That answer is easy:  Serving God in this order:

1. Study
2. Meetings
3. Prayer
4. Service.

This is a year long effort to get these things done.  Each one is a multi faceted effort.  To sustain this I must have the drugs so block B is:

1. Schedule Analyst
2. Schedule Shrink

Now block B is unsustainable without cash which is unsustainable without a job which won't continue without study so Block C is

1. Study HC'
2. Study Mgt
3. Study CS

Of course all this time commitment can't be sustained with the same old flabby self so block D has to focus around keeping my self in shape to be able to focus his higher mental effort.  This becomes:

1. Join a Gym
2. Establish and keep a week day exercise regimen
3. Get bikes in order - weekday ride to work
4. Weekend Exploring Rides.

The social skill training mentioned earlier, I just have to ignore that.  It should come with block A but it never has in a long term sustained manner.  Of course I have never done block A in a long term sustained manner.

Bottom line seems to be that I cannot make the needed changes.  I know that in real life I can make the changes.  I can get my life back on track, because while God does let us be tested, he doesn't allow test beyond our limits.  So the tests I have encountered were passable.  I just simply failed.  I don't love God enough to be the person he wants me to be. That takes coordinated effort.  It takes prioritization.  It takes commitment and sacrifice.  I fail by all these measures.  How to change?  With a project plan, priorities and objectives.  In other words planned and focused effort, bit by bit over a long time.

Tired & Still Descending

Aw hell, this is bad.  I am about to fall out of my chair I am so sleepy.  I am not sleeping right at home, I need medication to be able to get a good night sleep these days.  I am sure that if I got enough exercise, this would be a non issue.  But I don't get enough sleep and I am about to fall off my chair now.

I don't know why the insomnia hit last night.  I  woke up around midnight and could not (did not) get more than an hour of sleep after that.  I am doing that thing where if I sit too still and stare at a given item too long, then I will zone out behind my eyes.  It's awful.  I hate this.

Take the pills tonight you idiot.  For cryin' out loud.  Deal with this!

Anyway so I was looking at the situation a few weeks out.  I can get a room at a good hotel for around 150 per night.  That's a great rate for being in DC.  Grace will be in town and I could "make a weekend of it in DC like I did earlier.  It could be really fun, if we stay in another part of town, and spend Saturday and Sunday nights.  This would be interesting b/c Grace is bi and my ex-wife is bi-curious.  This could be the ménage à trois that I have been wanting for decades.  But then, do I want to be responsible for DC's further fall into sin -- no.  This isn't going to happen and I'm not gonna tell here that Grace is in town as I promised earlier.

That is the right decision.  In any case I'll end up spending about 4 hours with her which will cost me about 850 bucks (not including the 280 dollar ticket to the show I bought for her.  Oh well, it is all a part of buying experiences rather than more stuff.  I don't expect Grace to be much more than pleasant - fulfilling her stated objective.  I don't think she will try to coax me into more than that for which I had planned.  I am dead sure she won't.  I am rather sure I would not be able to resist if she really tried.  Right now I don't intend to bring enough cash for a longer than planned engagement.

Here I am thinking about this going foreword.  It is what I dream about.  Basically the only pleasant thing I will be thinking about in the next several weeks.  Maybe I can use the uplift to get some work done around the house.  I don't think that's possible..  I hate who I am and what I have become.  I am so thoroughly ashamed of what I have turned myself into.

Where am I going.  Right now, straight to hell.  I want to change the course (in a manner of speaking). but then again, we all do exactly what we want to in most situations, even if our doing so is mostly to belie our own feelings or inclinations for the purpose of the social advantage of others watching our selection.

Very few of us subjugate our own wants to those of a higher power for altruistic motives.  How would you ever know if this is what you were doing.  Given the propensity for people to fool themselves, thoroughly, I don't know how you could be sure unless you had a guide book that told you all the right answers.  Something like, dare I say it given how vehemently I have opposed its direction, the Bible.

You are a real piece of work dude.  You really have outdone yourself.

The Call

Friday I was feeling anxious, moist palms, occasional shudders; all of these I experienced.  I was planning to meet with Taylor - providing myself another instance where I would treat myself to a hugely positive thing for my ego.  I was going to do something rather than buying stuff.  I wasn't sure if this was such a good idea,  but I have lots of stuff and I'm not happy.

The moment was last night.  The weekend was basically a bust (as it usually is) with me laying around the house eating and watching TV.  Sunday I kept a close eye on the clock so as not to be late and jumped in the shower on time and was out the door with time to spare.  Enroute to my exciting rendezvous I got a note from the escort saying she had made other plans, because I didn't confirm in the morning.  

Then I thought, no, I have been in constant touch with her long before today and I figured maybe she meant to send this note to someone else.  I anticipated that, any minute now, she will realize her error and send a note apologizing and I would be able to say:  "No problem:  I'm here anyway!"  So I sent a note asking about the supposed confirmation I was suppose to provide.  She responded, there was no mistake, she just threw me over again.

Of course, had I known a same day confirmation was necessary, I would have.  But I didn't and she cancelled in favor of another (probably more generous) client.  After I received the note I thought of getting off the public transport at the next stop and heading back.OK, that's it for Taylor.  Cancelled on me a second time now.  No more.  I did send a nice note suggesting that if she is so in demand, she should raise her price.  It won't affect me.  I'll not see her again.  So again, my date is a bust.  This is getting old.

So, I am just now giving some serious thought to what someone looking at this blog must be thinking about its writer, moi.  Let's see, Depressed, really depressed, thinks that formication with a professional will improve the situation (idiot.)  Way into self hate, did I mention depressed, doesn't want to fornicate with his escort !!??  Cant get a date with an escort, what???  Oh, and depressed, into God, but hates his church congregation.  They treat him like he's invisible, and that's his own fault.  Wow!  OK, I am sick, really sick.  I should go back to the doctor again.  Can I make myself place that call?  Well, not so far.