The Ex

So I have been dumped on bashed about and discarded by my ex-wife.  We are divorced for quite some time and but have been forced to interact with each other because of the children.

Now though we are interacting on an social level having nothing to do with the kids.  I'm not that into her, but I can see that she is getting more into me than I am comfortable with.  Of course, any reader familiar with this blog will know that I have no friends.  So I am totally vulnerable to anyone acting like they like me.  I have gone out with her multiple times.  Every time I do I end up dropping 100 USD or more.

This last time, though, her other friend ended up paying.

I just don't like myself more and more again.  I can feel myself sinking into depression again.  The music I listen to is going back to the goth classics.  It is all just feeling really bad now.  I am fat my teeth are yellow, I can't see and I am just descending into this fetid and stinking mass of ration blocking thought waves that lead me capable of only the most basic of functions.  I can't move and the control over myself is slipping away.  I hate what I have turned into, and that thought is coming back as the dominant consideration.

Whenever I finish a task and go to another, or come home from another place, or finish watching a TV show or movie, I just go back to "I hate myself; I hate what I have turned into.  I can't stand me!"  Again and again, more and more.  I focus on what I want which is all the things I can't have and I feel so badly that it will never come.  The end will come, God will rightfully kill me because I haven't done his will, and all these things I spend my time on now will just end.  God is clear of his expectations.  I am his enemy.  I deserve to die.  I sometimes I wish I could just get this whole stinking mess of a life overwith.  It doesn't make sense though.  Even if there is just a tiny chance  I should just keep trying.

It just seems so futile.  Satan has me in his grip.  I never escaped even when I thought I did.  And now he is using this bitch again to keep me under his control.  How she blinds herself to her own missteps is so freaking amazing.  And now she wants to lead me down the path with her, and I am letting myself  go right along.  My Lord and God Almighty (or at least one who is God Almighty as I have not ever fully succeeded in making you my God,) how can I fix this?  I am consumed and afraid.  Caught and controlled, with no apparent way out.  I hate this.  But here I am, with no where to go.

I can feel the motivation leaking out through my fingertips.  It is not like there was that much there to begin with.  I can taste the hate.  Smell the essence of my crazed disgust in my teeth and my throat. I don't know how to deal with this.  Nothing in me is OK.  It is all for destruction. I am just another piece of refuse to be swept away at armageddon along with all the others who refuse to do what God wants.

The glimmer of love for my children will be swept away, unrecoverable as it is inextricable from the tentacles of disgust that breach every corner of my mind and heart.  Why did I let this happen.  Why didn't I believe God's warnings.  Why couldn't I keep doing his will when I had the chance.  It is clear that I have taken my stand against God, if full knowledge of how monumentally stupid this decision is.  And yet here I stand, covered in feces and making the same mistake again, the same path that lead to my demise.  And I am doing it again; yet again, knowing where this leads.  Mark! why are you so very insipidly foolish?

One would think that I am insane.  Maybe that is correct.