So what do you do when you are buried so deep that the only sound is each new shovel full of crap hitting the pile. I want to turn to God but I am so embarrassed I can't look up. Not having the benefit of all that he would provide. And, if Jesus, a perfect man spoke to him constantly, how much more so does this miserable sinner need help, but I still ain't askin'.
I see the mistakes, current and past. Yet when the next choice comes forward, I miss. Again and again I miss. I am falling deeper into my own grave. Deeper from the level that brought on severe depression. I don't see how to get out of this, not in a productive way.
It is like all the resistance is being steadily worn, blown, eroded, exploded away. My resistance is down and just the raw nerves are exposed. My mind is crying out to just stop the pain. There is only one way that seems to be like something that I could do and follow through on. I know the other way is possible but I have clearly demonstrated to myself and others that this is not something that I am willing to do. Turning to God is possible until he makes it impossible. He is approachable and hears prayers of the righteous. However I am not righteous. I am his enemy. I hate that I have been unsuccessful in turning this around.
Why does He demand this humiliation. I don't know but He gets to do that. It's His universe and His rules apply, that is if we are going to stay alive. Why would I be willing to take something of His. People often claim "It's my life" but in my case it isn't. I dedicated my life to God. I haven't followed through on this commitment. Never in my life for more than a few months at a time. I just can't get it together. I hate what this has turned me into. I know a very little something about God. He doesn't tolerate partial devotion. As far as I can determine, I am a dead man walking in his eyes.
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