So my Disciplinary Board Chairman called yesterday. If the pattern is the same, this means the circuit manager will be in town shortly and he wants to be able to tell him: "we tried, he just won't do anything." It is games like this lead me to believe that there is no real concern about me; juvenile though it sounds, it hurts my feelings. They are more focused on crossing their "i's" and dotting their "t's". Even if that isn't true, it just hasn't helped.
I get all hopeful that this time will be different, and it isn't time after time. So will I keep doing the same thing expecting a different outcome? If not how else do create a velocity vector (in the correct direction?) I hate myself. There seems to be no way out of this.
Certainly almighty God can figure it out. But I've all but stopped talking to him. I am ashamed of who I am and the decisions I have made, and those I continue to make. So I feel I can't raise my eyes to him. It seems like I am just not JW material. But in my heart of hearts I know that it is because of defects in that heart (figuratively speaking of course.) It has to be my fault or God would not let me fall to my death. And the ground is coming up pretty fast. Sometimes I wish I could speed it up. I don't have the courage for that, so I just close my eyes like a little girl. No wonder no one likes me. God, I have truly come to hate myself.
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