In a word, I guess, I'm tired.  I know it's all my fault but that doesn't make the tired feeling go away.  The only people who seem to want to talk to me are either disfellowshipped or they hold me up on a pedestal that I find extraordinarily uncomfortable.

So all 4 (count 'em 4) people that have any interest in talking to me are either "off limits" or take more energy than I am prepared to give.  And I don't want to go back to the congregation because they are so well versed in making me feel like crap.  Not unless I roll over and expose the vital organs.

Its party time!

I am just not quite there yet.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I hate what I am feeling.  To be specific, out of control, embarrassed and disappointed at the massive failure such as is my life.  It hurts like hell and the constant foreboding of worse to come is maddening.  To know that God is there willing to help and that I choose not to reach for that help is just so crazy insane.  Why do I not do this?

I know I can be stubborn, but this is truly absurd.  So every now and then (more then than now)  I find a way to get myself moving again.  I don't seem to be able to do this at will.  I want to make it happen, but it just seems out of my control, even thought I know it isn't.  I am just waiting to see how "motivated" I get when the GT starts.  Or I might just flip the other way and say "it's too late now! and party my way to hell.  Of course I doubt that will be an option.  I think I will be caught unable to do anything just waiting in he muck of the life and this system until my end comes.  What party?  there won't be anyone in a party mood at that point.  Least of all me.

And I know it's coming.  I know God is right,   I know the path to true happiness.  I just refuse to do God's will, ludicrous!  I am turning my back on God.  I am killing (have killed) my family and I am forced to watch it happen in slow motion powerless to turn the flow of events.  I am killing myself as well if there is enough time before God's judgment arrives and does it for me.  It's what I deserve for this immense collapse.  It doesn't take a grand master to see the checkmate's approach.  I've lost my nearly all my pieces and the most powerful piece I have, indeed the most powerful piece on the board, I ignore, choosing to scurry around the board trying to do the impossible, survive without God's help.

Showtime!

And so here I am again; "its showtime!"  This is the moment where I wrap myself in a persona of confidence and purpose.  Like doing this crap is of any importance in the grand scheme of things.  Yes, it's better than robbing banks for a living, but if I don't get my life in gear, I'll be just as dead as the bank robbers after armageddon.  We both have a sword of Damocles above our heads and while they differ in weight and hone, they both will kill.

These days I just want to get it over with.  I have been picked up and am on my way down again.  I don't even brace for impact anymore.  It all hurts just the same.  No point in protecting the vital organs, it's just a matter of time before everything is ruined beyond repair.  What an ending I have allowed myself to suffer.  If only I had  .  .  .

Maybe I could just .  .  . who the hell am I trying to kid.  Falling through 3000 feet, it won't be long now.

His Universe His Rules

So what do you do when you are buried so deep that the only sound is each new shovel full of crap hitting the pile.  I want to turn to God but I am so embarrassed I can't look up.  Not having the benefit of all that he would provide.  And, if Jesus, a perfect man spoke to him constantly, how much more so does this miserable sinner need  help, but I still ain't askin'.

I see the mistakes, current and past.  Yet when the next choice comes forward, I miss.  Again and again I miss.  I am falling deeper into my own grave.  Deeper from the level that brought on severe depression.  I don't see how to get out of this, not in a productive way.

It is like all the resistance is being steadily worn, blown, eroded, exploded away.  My resistance is down and just the raw nerves are exposed.  My mind is crying out to just stop the pain.  There is only one way that seems to be like something that I could do and follow through on.  I know the other way is possible but I have clearly demonstrated to myself and others that this is not something that I am willing to do.  Turning to God is possible until he makes it impossible.  He is approachable and hears prayers of the righteous.  However I am not righteous.  I am his enemy.  I hate that I have been unsuccessful in turning this around.

Why does He demand this humiliation.  I don't know but He gets to do that.  It's His universe and His rules apply, that is if we are going to stay alive.  Why would I be willing to take something of His.  People often claim "It's my life"  but in my case it isn't.  I dedicated my life to God.  I haven't followed through on this commitment.  Never in my life for more than a few months at a time.  I just can't get it together.  I hate what this has turned me into.  I know a very little something about God.  He doesn't tolerate partial devotion.  As far as I can determine, I am a dead man walking in his eyes.

What's Left?

Another bad weekend.  On a positive note I got the laundry done and straightened up a bit.  I even did a small amount of cleaning not that anyone would notice except in before and after photographs.

I stopped multiple times to look at nrop; this and eating are the only fun things left to do.  It's so pathetic.  So I heave a big sigh and continue doing the things (and failing to do the good things) that result in this mess of a life I now lead.

I am deeply ashamed of myself.  I hate what happened and the fact that I am not fixing it.  In fact I am still headed for Tarshish having been swallowed and spit out at least once.  I cannot abide my disgust for what I have grown up to be.  I am afraid to seek the truth from God and I am addicted to the trappings of Satan's world, those few I have been able to taste.

Sweetness of intensity such that one could imagine is too intense to survive and followed by deathly sickness that cannot be survived.  Instant addiction that will swallow years if not all of your life.  This is the "benefits" Satan's world brings.  And here I am, fully warned, and fully addicted.  Covered in refuse and lit aflame.  I want to point the phaser at myself, I don't have the strength to continue to withstand the pain.  Alone and ashamed

Well let me turn my attention to work.  Maybe I can forget about this for a while.  There is just nothing left, is there?

Inside Out

Wow, I'm slipping precipitously now.  That call from the Cheese may have sparked something.  Maybe it is the only chance I have got to keep me from hitting the bottom hard.

I can see myself falling into despair.  I want to be brave and stoic - holding myself up so that I die in one last act of defiance against my captor and ruler, but that is crumbling now.  I guess it has been crumbling for a long time and now I see yet another manifestation of the rottenness within making its way to the surface.

I guess I have pretty much decided that this will end badly.  I need to gather the materials. I'll grab my hoodie and head over to Party City.

The Cheese Is Coming to Town

So my  Disciplinary Board Chairman called yesterday.  If the pattern is the same, this means the circuit manager will be in town shortly and he wants to be able to tell him: "we tried, he just won't do anything."  It is games like this lead me to believe that there is no real concern about me; juvenile though it sounds, it hurts my feelings.  They are more focused on crossing their "i's" and dotting their "t's".  Even if that isn't true, it just hasn't helped.

I get all hopeful that this time will be different, and it isn't time after time.  So will I keep doing the same thing expecting a different outcome?  If not how else do create a velocity vector (in the correct direction?)  I hate myself.  There seems to be no way out of this.

Certainly almighty God can figure it out.  But I've all but stopped talking to him.  I am ashamed of who I am and the decisions I have made, and those I continue to make.  So I feel I can't raise my eyes to him.  It seems like I am just not JW material.  But in my heart of hearts I know that it is because of defects in that heart (figuratively speaking of course.)  It has to be my fault or God would not let me fall to my death.  And the ground is coming up pretty fast.  Sometimes I wish I could speed it up.  I don't have the courage for that, so I just close my eyes like a little girl.  No wonder no one likes me.  God, I have truly come to hate myself.

Signs Are Here Again

So here we are:  I have been listening to Goth all morning.  It has been a rater productive morning as the Goth seems to engage the screwed up part of my brain allowing the resto to focus on the work I really need to do.

I know it is a negative overall thing.  Certainly the tenor of the emails I have been sending is malafected.  I won't even see it until I get the blow-back from the recipients; either immediately if the content is  patently offensive or other.  Most likely a form I won't understand will appear because these emails cause a circumvolution about a slight which turns to a tempest.  All this to say here I go again.  How can I fix this?  The answer is always the same: study, meetings, prayer and service.  And then the question is always the same:  How am I going to make myself do that?

And I remain so totally damned.

I Need to Get Organized!

OK, its getting bad again.  I can't focus.  I can't accomplish anything.  I need to put my head down and focus.  I just need to get things done.

But what, there are so many things and I can't do them all

Let me just get organized, then I'll know what to do.

Argh! it is going to take me 45 days of hard work just to get organized!

OK so, I need a project plan to get organized to get on the long road to organization.

Wow, that's expensive software, as I recall.  I'll have to travel to my other place to get it.  Maybe I can find it on-line.  That will take some time to research, I'll add it to my list.

Yikes, My list is 200 items long! I'll never get this done.  I need to get organized!

And the downward spiral has started.

The Ex

So I have been dumped on bashed about and discarded by my ex-wife.  We are divorced for quite some time and but have been forced to interact with each other because of the children.

Now though we are interacting on an social level having nothing to do with the kids.  I'm not that into her, but I can see that she is getting more into me than I am comfortable with.  Of course, any reader familiar with this blog will know that I have no friends.  So I am totally vulnerable to anyone acting like they like me.  I have gone out with her multiple times.  Every time I do I end up dropping 100 USD or more.

This last time, though, her other friend ended up paying.

I just don't like myself more and more again.  I can feel myself sinking into depression again.  The music I listen to is going back to the goth classics.  It is all just feeling really bad now.  I am fat my teeth are yellow, I can't see and I am just descending into this fetid and stinking mass of ration blocking thought waves that lead me capable of only the most basic of functions.  I can't move and the control over myself is slipping away.  I hate what I have turned into, and that thought is coming back as the dominant consideration.

Whenever I finish a task and go to another, or come home from another place, or finish watching a TV show or movie, I just go back to "I hate myself; I hate what I have turned into.  I can't stand me!"  Again and again, more and more.  I focus on what I want which is all the things I can't have and I feel so badly that it will never come.  The end will come, God will rightfully kill me because I haven't done his will, and all these things I spend my time on now will just end.  God is clear of his expectations.  I am his enemy.  I deserve to die.  I sometimes I wish I could just get this whole stinking mess of a life overwith.  It doesn't make sense though.  Even if there is just a tiny chance  I should just keep trying.

It just seems so futile.  Satan has me in his grip.  I never escaped even when I thought I did.  And now he is using this bitch again to keep me under his control.  How she blinds herself to her own missteps is so freaking amazing.  And now she wants to lead me down the path with her, and I am letting myself  go right along.  My Lord and God Almighty (or at least one who is God Almighty as I have not ever fully succeeded in making you my God,) how can I fix this?  I am consumed and afraid.  Caught and controlled, with no apparent way out.  I hate this.  But here I am, with no where to go.

I can feel the motivation leaking out through my fingertips.  It is not like there was that much there to begin with.  I can taste the hate.  Smell the essence of my crazed disgust in my teeth and my throat. I don't know how to deal with this.  Nothing in me is OK.  It is all for destruction. I am just another piece of refuse to be swept away at armageddon along with all the others who refuse to do what God wants.

The glimmer of love for my children will be swept away, unrecoverable as it is inextricable from the tentacles of disgust that breach every corner of my mind and heart.  Why did I let this happen.  Why didn't I believe God's warnings.  Why couldn't I keep doing his will when I had the chance.  It is clear that I have taken my stand against God, if full knowledge of how monumentally stupid this decision is.  And yet here I stand, covered in feces and making the same mistake again, the same path that lead to my demise.  And I am doing it again; yet again, knowing where this leads.  Mark! why are you so very insipidly foolish?

One would think that I am insane.  Maybe that is correct.

Absolutely None

I met with my escort, Grace yesterday.  It was a disappointment.  I know that  I am a low margin customer at 200/hour and she apparently does as well.   So for 4 hours I paid 940 USD (adding 100 USD for outcall fee and 40 for a tip.)  That doesn't include the 230 USD for her ticket ( and not including mine at the same price.  So for 1500 USD I got an afternoon with a pretty woman who was very nice to me.  But she wasn't all that excited to see me and wasn't as exciting to be with as I anticipated.  It was like an OK date.  If this was an actual date I would have been left ambivalent about seeing her again.  Not opposed to doing so, but not all that excited about it either.

Oh well, that's the last time for that activity.  I suppose if I could do all that for about 100 - 200 USD it might make sense but not at 1500.  I suppose, all in all it worked out really ideally.  I have had my moment(s) with escort(s) and I don't want to do it again.  Just no interest there.  None, zip, nada, goose egg, like zero man.  Just what the ministers in my church (and really I myself) would want.

Too Tired

And here I am again today.  Tired as can be.  I woke up at 2:40 this am and basically didn't get much sleep since then.  It is like I wake up just so I can be tired during the day.  I tried to get back to sleep around 4:14 PM but I just wanted to rest a bit.  'cause I knew I needed to get up in minutes.

I am discovering (again) that I can't keep going without medication.  I just must have it.  I can't function normally without it.  I have become dependent on drugs for survival.  I am bordering on dream typing as I did yesterday but I am really fighting that because I just don't have the time for it today.

And now its tomorrow.  I took a sleep aid yesterday and I am continuing to find that it makes me sleep too much.  Need to start cutting the pills in half.  I feel much better though.  I am not nearly as sleepy at work when I have taken something the night before.  I really hate this.

And now it's next week.  Today I was extremely sleepy again in the morning and then again in the afternoon after a light lunch.  I must just do something.  I want to go back to the dr but it is just so very costly.  I'll do it if I have to but for not I am trying to avoid it.

Grace is coming this weekend.  I can do that  at well over a thousand, but then again that is a totally different motivation.  Immediate gratification is hard to I wish I hadn't set this up.  It is so damn costly.