Yawn, More of The Same -- Why I'm Spireitually Dead

 

I can't even tell if I am being lazy or if my depression is preventing work.  I just don't feel like doing anything.  

I realized that I have been booted around all my life and very few have even tried to befriend me.  And because I never had any real friend, I didn't know how to respond to those who tried to befriend me.  And no, I didn't know what a good Christian looked lie.  I saw some good Christians, but I resisted their behavior thinking that that was just one path they chose.  I didn't realize that that was literally the best path one could take and that anything else is at best sub optimum.  At worst dangerous and leading its follower to destruction.  So that is one explanation of how I am here in this spiritually dead state.  

I decided to stop watching TV.  I made it about 24 hours or so, so no, I have no idea if this will carry through.  

I am making a concerted effort not to watch porn now.  If I make it, I can submit letter to get back in at the end of march.  It is always rejected in the first try of course so then I could resubmit in June to be back in by Assembly time.

Cardiologist says I really have to get my BP under control.  Medication won't be able to keep it in check by itself.  He described the situation as "running out of options.  So, I gave up coffee as a constant drink.  I am trying to limit myself to 1 cup day, and 1 cup decaf daily.  I am on day 3.  It seems to be working out OK.  and it has had a good impact on BP already.

So, I am listening to a broadcast* and the speaker says that being DF is like God taking over our recovery.  I don't think that is a good analogy but what do I know?  Maybe that is true, but I see it more like them throwing up their hands and saying, you are so bad we don't want to be bothered anymore.  Honestly, I was asking for a bible st udy before I got kicked out.  But the deacons refused.  

It is not like they were helping me learn stuff that I needed to know, it was helpful because it was a good spiritual discussion with someone.  That regular contact helped me tremendously to get back on the horse.  It was a long process though.  I think it was taking too long for the level of patience the deacons had with me.

Break

So I quit drinking so much coffee.  That was helpful.  I started walking on the treadmill again.  I was surprised I could walk for an hour just starting out.  I'd like to add rowing to my daily regimen but we'll see how far that gets.

I still can't do anything for myself.  I started organizing over the xmas break.  For the first week I didn't do jack but I got a few things done on the last few days. So I am dead inside again.  I can still work, but anything having to do with the home is static.  I can't get anything done on that account.  

I have sort of decided that this is as good as it gets for now.  I am settling in for working out the remainder of my secular care

 

I guess I'm posting alot now.  It isn't that I really have that much to say, it is just that I have rediscoverd that writing things down can sometimes help with the pain of past events and current situations.  I know  that my musings are very redundant.  But then so are the feelings that motivate them.

*  Short Break * 

Superficial thought:  It is still very hard to get going in the morning.  I really despise the lethargic feelings.  I have long (very long) lists of things to do but I can find the motivation to do nothing.  I feel exhausted in my mind but my body is ready to go with any given project that I might want to engage.  It is exhausting.  I really want sleep to just come so I don't have to deal with the mental anguish of having so much to do but no motivation to do anything but eat, read fiction and watch TV.  It amps up the self loathing factor because it looks like laziness to me.  I think maybe the depression and the inability to do work has simply lead to laziness.  

Right now I am trying to convince myself to go out and  get cash and something to eat for breakfast.  It's not happening.  

*  Short Break *

The weekend is over and it is all just more of the same.  

I started up the convention recordings again.  Playing in the background while I work.  I think it helps some.  

I am starting to feel the intense sadness for my overall situation.  It is not as bad as it was before.  I think I should hold the line on the medication both in terms of type and dose.

I have t hat missing beats heart issue.  I keep looking it up and it seems to be not so much of a problem and can often go untreated.  However there is a note that says that if it is greater than 10% of the beats then maybe something should be done.  Mine seems to be around 80%.  So no wonder my Dr wanted me to see a cardiologist.  I internalize so many negative feelings, it seems no surprise to me that I am starting to have heart issues.  

I remember these extra beats.  They feel like big heartbeats.  I woke up one time with regular extra beats.  It was like a regular heartbeat but just more massive.  I laid awake for about 30 seconds noting that this was weird.  Then I decided that if this is a major problem I would accept it and went back to sleep.

an old habit of saying "I Hate Myself"  (IHMS) has come back again.  And of course the logical extension, IHMFS and IFHMS.  Although not IHFMS which would make little sense.  I can feel it in my chest if I think about it for more than a few minutes.  Not on my heart though, just in the center of my chest about on the sternum.  I am just so ashamed of myself.

*Long Break*

Well contrary to my starting sentence I waited until Dec 24 to post this.  A lot happened in the interim.

I was having major issues with my boss.  The director I reported to was forced out by a jerk of a VP.  Then I started reporting to that jerk.  He tried to pin a failing project on me and I pushed back hard saying (truthfully) that he tied my hands for the whole time the project was in flight. So I could not manage the development as I wanted.  Hence the project failure.  

I spoke with HR and we ended up having a "false religious come to Jesus" meeting with HR, him and myself.  However, he started up with the same behavior later and I started pushing back again, at one point confiding to a colleague that it is going to be him or me.  I talked to HR again and they recommended talking to his boss, a Sr. VP.  So I ended up doing that.  The discussion went much better than I expected.  The VP I was reporting to ended up resigning.  I can't say it was because of this, he had a lot of other misfires during his tenure so I don't make a direct connection between my troubles and his resignation.

I feel much better about work now. 

The depression is still with me though.  I am on so many medications now.  3 separate ones for depression, two for high blood pressure, one for cholesterol along with a Viagra generic.  I am still celibate but it is there just in case.

I still want to get back into my religion.  It is really difficult though.  I started seeing my favorite escort again, but it is strictly social and platonic.  I scheduled an overnight with her in Jan 2022 but I still don't plan on anything more than a good platonic time.  

It is really hard for me to go to the meeting.  I hate studying.  It is still difficult to do the text every morning.  I hate myself.  

Pathetic

 

So I am on some new medication now.  This is the early part of the second week.  Surprisingly it actually seems to be working.  I started getting stuff done around the house and then yesterday, for the first time since the pandemic started, I was able to work until about 8:00 PM.  I went to bed at a normalish 9:00 PM or so and slept entirely through the night.  

Some wierd stuff is happening though.  I will get very tired and sleepy in mid afternoon like around 4:00.  The last time it happened I had to post an brb note on my calendar at work I took a horu long nap and revived.  It happened again today,  I just ate a whole lot of stuff and then it sort of went away.

** Break **

Well the medication continues to work.  I did go through a period of extremely down feeling for a couple of weeks.  I discussed this with my Dr. and she gave me some new pills.  I feel better now.  Not euphoric but just better.  

Work continues to be a drag.  I don't know how many times I decided to leave but I just can't seem to do so.  

I'm not going to church.  I am not studying the bible.  God will judge me and I believe I will be judged fairly but negatively from my perspective.  I just choose not to do his will.  I often pray fervently to change but it is just not happening.

I feel like I am nearly back to myself in productivity but I can't work past 5:00 PM.  After that I can't seem to do anything other than read or watch TV.  I am such a bum.  I hate what I have grown up to be.

So I made plans to see Ms dehavilland yesterday.  It is expensive but my goodness I have been so isolated recently.  I really need someone to talk to for a few houirs over dinner.  It is a social visit meaning that it is primarily in public space so no worries about getting in over my head.  I had cancelled a visit with her b/c I was worried about how it would look to the expulsion committee.  But I figure if they hand me over to Satan,  then that is the only place I can get the association I need to maintain my sanity.

* Short Break *

So I am feeling guilty about seeing Ms de Havilland again.  I know God isn't happy about it but I figure that I need it to protect my mental health.  I am always alone and always isolated.  It wasn't so bad for the first several months.  But as the months and then a year passed, I recognized that it really hurts to be alone ALL the time.  I also recognize that I have no friends.  Now, it is really pathetic that the only pseudo friends I have are those to whom I pay money to compensate them for associating with me.  But here I am.  I have no friends and no one who wants to be friends with me.  So I pay people to pose as my friend. While they are good at it, and an outside observer might not be able to discern the difference (except for the money passing, and the age difference) I still recognize that this is a business transaction and that these people are not my real friends.  Yet it temporarily massages the deep need I have for some association with those who care, at least a little bit.

Pathetic, that's the word for my situation.  And it is primarily my fault.  If I had served God the way I should have my life would be so different.  I'd have a purpose and I'd feel good about myself.  I would be a very different person now.  But here I am.  That is one reason I get so depressed that suicide appears to be a good option.  Of course suicide makes no sense logically so I don't entertain it for long, but it does come to mind often.  

* Short Break * 

So I continue to suffer from severe distraction that makes it much harderfor me to focus on work that needs to be done.  I hate the fact that I cannot focus for long periods of time, particularly when required to do things with which I am uncomfortable.  I continue to feel guilty about seeing Ms deHavilland.  Nonetheless I know I need contact with other humans in order to maintain my balance.  So I will continue with the meeting.  

I'm feeling worse these days.  But there seems to be no relief in sight.  I'm still 3 months away from submitting my application for reinstatement (its just a letter requesting the same.)  I don't know what to do to change my situation.  I pray for a while but then I start forgetting to do so.  I read the text and Watchtower for a while and then I start forgetting to do so.  I am now playing the convention during the day.  I'm sure before long I'll start forgetting to do that again.  I can't seem to be consistent with anything.  

I keep reviewing the fact that I am at the end of my career and nearing the end of my life and there is nothing (except my son) that I am really proud of.  I just thoroughly hate where I am in my life.  There seems to be no prospect for improvement.

 

The days have just been rolling past.  More of the same.  interminable challenges to my sanity as things just happen.

Work has been really challenging as Senior management has targeted me recently for criticism.   I am attending a class now that may help stem that tide.  It is about how to communicate more effectively.  I like the class and the instructor is excellent.  So I have some ideas going forward.  

He suggested I communicate up using the language they understand.  Cost, ROI and impact on Goals.  Anything deep, the instructor recommended to present at about a 6th grade level.  If a smart 6th grader can understand it then it is ready for Sr. Management.  

I am on a new medication that is the first on that seems to be helping me to THINK about getting some work done.  It may be triggering my motivation center (an imaginary part of my brain which does what the title sounds like.)  

Spiritually I'm still a dud.  I'm really having trouble getting to the meetings.  I did find however that a large part of it is the chatter at the start and end of the meeting.  I realize that I find it extremely disturbing and irritating.  Muting the start and end of the meeting helps.  I still don't like to go.  I have been late several times and missed others entirely.  

I'm trying to read the text/wt each day with mild success.  I probably do it just over 50% of the time.  

I still don't enjoy life.  The notion that service to God brings joy is almost completely lost.  I do remember some instances where I felt what I suppose that joy is, but I don't think that has ever been a way of life for me for more than a few months and then only one time as a full grown adult.

It's not all bad though.  I have food, clothing and shelter.  I don't worry about getting shot or mugged excessively.  I wasn't sexually abused as a child (at least not to my knowledge).  Unfortunately I don't get respect from anyone.  I am nearly always treated as a pest.  

Generally speaking I Hate Myself.  But there is a whole episode on that.  (IHMS)

I Keep Failing . . . And Falling.

 

I wish I could find something I cared about but that isn't bad for me.  Of course that rules out porn, women, guns, computer games and listening to goth & symphonic metal music.  

What else is there?  If there was it might be something that I could immerse myself into that is better than reading SciFi books.  

I wrote my doctor today and said that I am not doing well.  I don't really think it will do any good.  This is a slightly better than typical US doctor.  There seems to be a genuine caring there, however it isn't manifest in any special way in terms of treatment.  The doc doesn't seem all that much more excited to find a good solution for my ailments than I would have expected.  Whatever, it is the world I live in along with billions of others.

I still dream of being rich and what I would do to my house if I had a lot of money. New Kitchen hood and fixtures, Garage, Pool, landscaping.  Right now I am faced with more practical things:  New roof, mold abatement, French drain, replacing sliding glass door, etc.  

I just hate being caught up in this crap and having to manage something that I am not sure I even really want.  I mean, what good is it going to do? 

Suicidal thoughts are coming more frequently now.  It is not like I am about to do anything.  Any long term reader would understand that suicide is something I have been thinking about since high school.  Logically it doesn't make sense so I don't feel I am particularly close to doing something like that.  It just comes into mind when things get rougher than before.  

I think a lot about the fact that there is so little for me to dream about.  I have a lot of the crap I wanted in high school, but as predicted it is not satisfying.  I have come to understand that this doesn't bring happiness, but it just brings a desire for bigger and better things.  Right now I want a woman, but those are just totally out of reach, especially since I want a prime woman, not just any one.  

It isn't about just sex but also about nurturing them and making them happy.  Watching them grow to improve in their chosen endeavors.  I want to have a hand in helping them along that way.  But that is so far away right now.  I keep thinking that I will survive Armageddon despite the evidence against it.  I have lived on my own for over 40 years and haven't really served God well during that time.  I keep thinking that his mercy will cover my shortages but that just doesn't seem likely giving how bad my sins are and how little I have done that he has asked of me.  God I am so sorry I chose so very poorly.  I wish I could do it all again.  The only chance to start over is if I make it into the new system, but I don't think I deserve that, I have already proved what a failure I am.

I guess I am still spiraling down.  Controlled Flight Into Terrain to use an aeronautic term.  Have I hit the terrain yet?  Well I am still writing so I have to say "no."  Am I so close that impact is unavoidable?  Well I just don't know the answer to that.  I hope not, so I am still struggling with the controls.  I pray some, but clearly not enough.  There is so much more I should be doing but I just keep Failing.

Waiting to Get Better

 I'm seeing Miss De Havilland again in December.  I worry about how God sees it.  I don't think he is happy.  But then again I was handed over to Satan and this is what he offers in the form of association.  Yes I have to pay for it.  I wonder if the payment includes only platonic engagement?  

Honestly what I am looking forward to is good and interesting conversation over a nice meal.  Followed by a fashion show for some of the silly things I bought for her, then a massage and snuggling with more conversation.

There is so much to do if she does come in December:

1. Fix Car

2. Get the cards for Metro loaded.

3. Make hotel reservations.

Break

Well OK it is about 6 months later and not only have I not seen Miss De Havilland I have also failed to see her again when she came by in March.  I was worried about what the elders would say when I met with them in early April.

But then since I fell off the !Porn wagon 

Break

so I didn't see miss De Havilland in April even though I had paid her for the visit.  I know that scripturally this was the right thing to do since she is "bad association"  however it was really hard for me to accept since I have virtually no other association with anyone else outside of work.  

Later I was chatting on email but this makes me feel guilty because I am still consuming her time.  I suspect that she doesn't really enjoy my email conversations because the responses are always short and are usually just a few sentences.  So I proposed that we do the paid response thing again but this time we pay by the email (and response)  50 USD per email.  Once that was all set up I lost motivation to write her.  I reasoned that it makes no sense to do so because the conversation would be contrived.  If she responded on a topic that doesn't mean she is interested in the topic, it just means she is interested in getting the 50 USD.  Of course that means she is not really my friend, she just responds to what I am saying.

Is that much different than a psychologist?  No, not really except that she has no training in that kind of thing (not that I put much value in psychological training.)  

I really have been trying hard to kick the porn habit but I continue to fail at it.  I am still firmly in the grip of depression so I sit around a lot trying to convince myself to work.  unfortunately sitting around is the worst thing for breaking a porn habit.  There is this process I go through of looking at more and more salacious material until I am on a porn site selecting videos catering to my lascivious fantasies.  

Bad news for going 3 months sober.  So now here i am at the first of May, 2021 saying well, OK reset the target for July 1 to write the reinstatement letter.  My catch phrase is "I can't do it man." because I don't think that I will ever be able to do this.  Of course it is possible with God's help bur I don't follow God's advice consistently enough to get the help I seem to need to twist out of the death spiral.  It isn't his fault, it's mine.  I'm the idiot here.  What a jerk I am.  A fool a piece of refuse, garbage and worthlessness, all minimally adequate sketches of my seedy worthless character.

I don't want to ask for help and then suffer another round of 3 dudes taking pot shots at me by telling me how bad I am.  I mean I am here in a barrel reserved for the poor and spiritually beggarly.  But I'm sure they thought that is what I needed to hear.  I should be thanking them, honestly.  

Suicide is coming up in my thoughts more frequently now.  It just seems so hard to carry on.

This is another one of those times where I wish I could cry because it might be good to have some kind of release, but I can't cry.  I truly don't remember the last time I did.  Crap!  What a chowder head I am.

Rain Clouds

 It has been a little while since the last post.  It's Nov now.  I still hate myself.  COVID has me trapped in my condo for the last several months.  Not good at all.  Depression is a killer now.  No energy, no motivation.  

It's like I want it all to be over but I know that doing myself in is not the solution.  It is nonsensical.  

So I just hurt over and over.  I see my life is a huge failure.  Not a single thing I've done is lasting or enduringly good.  So I've lost motivation to do anything else.  I am just waiting around for death to swallow me up.  And I am quite sure it is on its way.

I do pray.  I do try to read the text and do some bible reading.  But I've been doing that for so long without making the substantive changes needed I have limited hope of success.  Of course if I quit this (and other similar stuff) my chances of success drop to zero.  (Not Good)  So I try (apparently half-heartedly) and continue to fail.  I am praying more, but then how many times have I made that claim.  And look where I am right now.

These days I am really trying to read the text and the Wt. article from which it was taken.  I am not entirely successful especially on the weekends.  I am also trying to add reading a chapter from the bible at the same time.  At some point I want to add in studying the watchtower.  I had this routine several years ago of copying the scriptures into the margin of the watchtower and then highlighting the portion in the paragraph that relates to each scripture and drawing a line to the scripture.  (Actually I may have highlighted the scripture in the same color, it was a while ago so I really don't remember.)  But anyway it would take a few hours to study a single article that way.  yet when I was done, I had a really good understanding of the material and could retain the main points (at least for a few days.)

I'd like to get back to doing that again, but I am not trying to do that right now.  It would just collapse everything I am doing including the text and bible reading.  I have learned I can only do just so much.  If I try to do it all I fail to do anything.

Being df'd is like being under a thunderhead.  It is dark and you may see light off in the distance, what you get in your immediate vicinity is rain and darkness.  It feels similar to when I was in the truth before, I rarely talked with anyone and left right after the meetings.  People didn't talk to me generally speaking.  Now that they are barred from talking to me it is easier for me to accept.  They don't talk because they aren't supposed to.  I think a real moment of truth will come if I ever get reinstated.  Then I will have to deal with people reacting to me again.  I anticipate a few will say "Welcome back brother" and then proceed to ignore me from that point forward.  I guess we'll see.

So I'm 3 weeks sober as respects porn & wank.  I think the depression medication is helping tremendously.  Also reading the text daily seems to be pushing me over the fence.  We'll see how long I can hold out this time.  It has to be for a while since I doubt they will let me back in if I haven't been clean for at least 3 or 4 months.  I plan to ask to get back in in March 2021 so I am barely on track.  "Well I guess we'll see" said the blind man.  Honestly if you can get kicked out for polluting your lungs with tobacco smoke, I don't understand why they let you stay in if you are watching porn.  That doesn't make sense to me but then, I'm df'd.  What do I know?