I guess I'm posting alot now.  It isn't that I really have that much to say, it is just that I have rediscoverd that writing things down can sometimes help with the pain of past events and current situations.  I know  that my musings are very redundant.  But then so are the feelings that motivate them.

*  Short Break * 

Superficial thought:  It is still very hard to get going in the morning.  I really despise the lethargic feelings.  I have long (very long) lists of things to do but I can find the motivation to do nothing.  I feel exhausted in my mind but my body is ready to go with any given project that I might want to engage.  It is exhausting.  I really want sleep to just come so I don't have to deal with the mental anguish of having so much to do but no motivation to do anything but eat, read fiction and watch TV.  It amps up the self loathing factor because it looks like laziness to me.  I think maybe the depression and the inability to do work has simply lead to laziness.  

Right now I am trying to convince myself to go out and  get cash and something to eat for breakfast.  It's not happening.  

*  Short Break *

The weekend is over and it is all just more of the same.  

I started up the convention recordings again.  Playing in the background while I work.  I think it helps some.  

I am starting to feel the intense sadness for my overall situation.  It is not as bad as it was before.  I think I should hold the line on the medication both in terms of type and dose.

I have t hat missing beats heart issue.  I keep looking it up and it seems to be not so much of a problem and can often go untreated.  However there is a note that says that if it is greater than 10% of the beats then maybe something should be done.  Mine seems to be around 80%.  So no wonder my Dr wanted me to see a cardiologist.  I internalize so many negative feelings, it seems no surprise to me that I am starting to have heart issues.  

I remember these extra beats.  They feel like big heartbeats.  I woke up one time with regular extra beats.  It was like a regular heartbeat but just more massive.  I laid awake for about 30 seconds noting that this was weird.  Then I decided that if this is a major problem I would accept it and went back to sleep.

an old habit of saying "I Hate Myself"  (IHMS) has come back again.  And of course the logical extension, IHMFS and IFHMS.  Although not IHFMS which would make little sense.  I can feel it in my chest if I think about it for more than a few minutes.  Not on my heart though, just in the center of my chest about on the sternum.  I am just so ashamed of myself.

*Long Break*

Well contrary to my starting sentence I waited until Dec 24 to post this.  A lot happened in the interim.

I was having major issues with my boss.  The director I reported to was forced out by a jerk of a VP.  Then I started reporting to that jerk.  He tried to pin a failing project on me and I pushed back hard saying (truthfully) that he tied my hands for the whole time the project was in flight. So I could not manage the development as I wanted.  Hence the project failure.  

I spoke with HR and we ended up having a "false religious come to Jesus" meeting with HR, him and myself.  However, he started up with the same behavior later and I started pushing back again, at one point confiding to a colleague that it is going to be him or me.  I talked to HR again and they recommended talking to his boss, a Sr. VP.  So I ended up doing that.  The discussion went much better than I expected.  The VP I was reporting to ended up resigning.  I can't say it was because of this, he had a lot of other misfires during his tenure so I don't make a direct connection between my troubles and his resignation.

I feel much better about work now. 

The depression is still with me though.  I am on so many medications now.  3 separate ones for depression, two for high blood pressure, one for cholesterol along with a Viagra generic.  I am still celibate but it is there just in case.

I still want to get back into my religion.  It is really difficult though.  I started seeing my favorite escort again, but it is strictly social and platonic.  I scheduled an overnight with her in Jan 2022 but I still don't plan on anything more than a good platonic time.  

It is really hard for me to go to the meeting.  I hate studying.  It is still difficult to do the text every morning.  I hate myself.