I wish I could find something I cared about but that isn't bad for me. Of course that rules out porn, women, guns, computer games and listening to goth & symphonic metal music.
What else is there? If there was it might be something that I could immerse myself into that is better than reading SciFi books.
I wrote my doctor today and said that I am not doing well. I don't really think it will do any good. This is a slightly better than typical US doctor. There seems to be a genuine caring there, however it isn't manifest in any special way in terms of treatment. The doc doesn't seem all that much more excited to find a good solution for my ailments than I would have expected. Whatever, it is the world I live in along with billions of others.
I still dream of being rich and what I would do to my house if I had a lot of money. New Kitchen hood and fixtures, Garage, Pool, landscaping. Right now I am faced with more practical things: New roof, mold abatement, French drain, replacing sliding glass door, etc.
I just hate being caught up in this crap and having to manage something that I am not sure I even really want. I mean, what good is it going to do?
Suicidal thoughts are coming more frequently now. It is not like I am about to do anything. Any long term reader would understand that suicide is something I have been thinking about since high school. Logically it doesn't make sense so I don't feel I am particularly close to doing something like that. It just comes into mind when things get rougher than before.
I think a lot about the fact that there is so little for me to dream about. I have a lot of the crap I wanted in high school, but as predicted it is not satisfying. I have come to understand that this doesn't bring happiness, but it just brings a desire for bigger and better things. Right now I want a woman, but those are just totally out of reach, especially since I want a prime woman, not just any one.
It isn't about just sex but also about nurturing them and making them happy. Watching them grow to improve in their chosen endeavors. I want to have a hand in helping them along that way. But that is so far away right now. I keep thinking that I will survive Armageddon despite the evidence against it. I have lived on my own for over 40 years and haven't really served God well during that time. I keep thinking that his mercy will cover my shortages but that just doesn't seem likely giving how bad my sins are and how little I have done that he has asked of me. God I am so sorry I chose so very poorly. I wish I could do it all again. The only chance to start over is if I make it into the new system, but I don't think I deserve that, I have already proved what a failure I am.
I guess I am still spiraling down. Controlled Flight Into Terrain to use an aeronautic term. Have I hit the terrain yet? Well I am still writing so I have to say "no." Am I so close that impact is unavoidable? Well I just don't know the answer to that. I hope not, so I am still struggling with the controls. I pray some, but clearly not enough. There is so much more I should be doing but I just keep Failing.
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