Waiting to Get Better

 I'm seeing Miss De Havilland again in December.  I worry about how God sees it.  I don't think he is happy.  But then again I was handed over to Satan and this is what he offers in the form of association.  Yes I have to pay for it.  I wonder if the payment includes only platonic engagement?  

Honestly what I am looking forward to is good and interesting conversation over a nice meal.  Followed by a fashion show for some of the silly things I bought for her, then a massage and snuggling with more conversation.

There is so much to do if she does come in December:

1. Fix Car

2. Get the cards for Metro loaded.

3. Make hotel reservations.

Break

Well OK it is about 6 months later and not only have I not seen Miss De Havilland I have also failed to see her again when she came by in March.  I was worried about what the elders would say when I met with them in early April.

But then since I fell off the !Porn wagon 

Break

so I didn't see miss De Havilland in April even though I had paid her for the visit.  I know that scripturally this was the right thing to do since she is "bad association"  however it was really hard for me to accept since I have virtually no other association with anyone else outside of work.  

Later I was chatting on email but this makes me feel guilty because I am still consuming her time.  I suspect that she doesn't really enjoy my email conversations because the responses are always short and are usually just a few sentences.  So I proposed that we do the paid response thing again but this time we pay by the email (and response)  50 USD per email.  Once that was all set up I lost motivation to write her.  I reasoned that it makes no sense to do so because the conversation would be contrived.  If she responded on a topic that doesn't mean she is interested in the topic, it just means she is interested in getting the 50 USD.  Of course that means she is not really my friend, she just responds to what I am saying.

Is that much different than a psychologist?  No, not really except that she has no training in that kind of thing (not that I put much value in psychological training.)  

I really have been trying hard to kick the porn habit but I continue to fail at it.  I am still firmly in the grip of depression so I sit around a lot trying to convince myself to work.  unfortunately sitting around is the worst thing for breaking a porn habit.  There is this process I go through of looking at more and more salacious material until I am on a porn site selecting videos catering to my lascivious fantasies.  

Bad news for going 3 months sober.  So now here i am at the first of May, 2021 saying well, OK reset the target for July 1 to write the reinstatement letter.  My catch phrase is "I can't do it man." because I don't think that I will ever be able to do this.  Of course it is possible with God's help bur I don't follow God's advice consistently enough to get the help I seem to need to twist out of the death spiral.  It isn't his fault, it's mine.  I'm the idiot here.  What a jerk I am.  A fool a piece of refuse, garbage and worthlessness, all minimally adequate sketches of my seedy worthless character.

I don't want to ask for help and then suffer another round of 3 dudes taking pot shots at me by telling me how bad I am.  I mean I am here in a barrel reserved for the poor and spiritually beggarly.  But I'm sure they thought that is what I needed to hear.  I should be thanking them, honestly.  

Suicide is coming up in my thoughts more frequently now.  It just seems so hard to carry on.

This is another one of those times where I wish I could cry because it might be good to have some kind of release, but I can't cry.  I truly don't remember the last time I did.  Crap!  What a chowder head I am.