It has been a little while since the last post. It's Nov now. I still hate myself. COVID has me trapped in my condo for the last several months. Not good at all. Depression is a killer now. No energy, no motivation.
It's like I want it all to be over but I know that doing myself in is not the solution. It is nonsensical.
So I just hurt over and over. I see my life is a huge failure. Not a single thing I've done is lasting or enduringly good. So I've lost motivation to do anything else. I am just waiting around for death to swallow me up. And I am quite sure it is on its way.
I do pray. I do try to read the text and do some bible reading. But I've been doing that for so long without making the substantive changes needed I have limited hope of success. Of course if I quit this (and other similar stuff) my chances of success drop to zero. (Not Good) So I try (apparently half-heartedly) and continue to fail. I am praying more, but then how many times have I made that claim. And look where I am right now.
These days I am really trying to read the text and the Wt. article from which it was taken. I am not entirely successful especially on the weekends. I am also trying to add reading a chapter from the bible at the same time. At some point I want to add in studying the watchtower. I had this routine several years ago of copying the scriptures into the margin of the watchtower and then highlighting the portion in the paragraph that relates to each scripture and drawing a line to the scripture. (Actually I may have highlighted the scripture in the same color, it was a while ago so I really don't remember.) But anyway it would take a few hours to study a single article that way. yet when I was done, I had a really good understanding of the material and could retain the main points (at least for a few days.)
I'd like to get back to doing that again, but I am not trying to do that right now. It would just collapse everything I am doing including the text and bible reading. I have learned I can only do just so much. If I try to do it all I fail to do anything.
Being df'd is like being under a thunderhead. It is dark and you may see light off in the distance, what you get in your immediate vicinity is rain and darkness. It feels similar to when I was in the truth before, I rarely talked with anyone and left right after the meetings. People didn't talk to me generally speaking. Now that they are barred from talking to me it is easier for me to accept. They don't talk because they aren't supposed to. I think a real moment of truth will come if I ever get reinstated. Then I will have to deal with people reacting to me again. I anticipate a few will say "Welcome back brother" and then proceed to ignore me from that point forward. I guess we'll see.
So I'm 3 weeks sober as respects porn & wank. I think the depression medication is helping tremendously. Also reading the text daily seems to be pushing me over the fence. We'll see how long I can hold out this time. It has to be for a while since I doubt they will let me back in if I haven't been clean for at least 3 or 4 months. I plan to ask to get back in in March 2021 so I am barely on track. "Well I guess we'll see" said the blind man. Honestly if you can get kicked out for polluting your lungs with tobacco smoke, I don't understand why they let you stay in if you are watching porn. That doesn't make sense to me but then, I'm df'd. What do I know?
No comments:
Post a Comment